Feed on Fear
by xDreamerx
Summary: Meet Lily Evans-dark, sadistic, cynical-a person who questions her placement in Gryffindor and believes she should never be left alone with her thoughts. With bad self-esteem and an even worse reputation she finds herself randomly falling for James Potter
1. Hogwarts, My Home Away From Home

**Feed On Fear**

**Chapter 1- Hogwarts, My Home Away From Home **

I stand anxiously at the train station between platforms nine and ten. In my grasp reside newly bought school supplies: books, quills, parchment, and my snowy white owl, Aurora. I'm finally going home!

You see, Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been my school for the past four years and has become more of a home to me than my house in Surrey.

My life isn't horrible, but I have a rocky past and it's behind me. Give me someone who hasn't been through shit in their life and I'll show you that that person hasn't really lived.

Now, I have a fairly enjoyable life compared to most people's. It's just that I'm a witch and because of that, my older sister, Petunia, finds a sick pleasure in tormenting me endlessly. Just because I'm a witch too!

Petunia and I are always in a competition with one another for as long as I can remember. I guess she feels like I was suddenly pushed into the spotlight when I received my Hogwarts acceptance letter four years ago. I don't understand why Petunia has always detested me; I'm her only sister and we're blood! I suppose I'll never be able to see the real reason my only sibling and I have never been close. It doesn't bother me often, because I've accepted that's just the way Petunia is, but every so often, I wonder what it would have been like, had Petunia not had been my sister; or, what if I were the older sibling? Can you imagine the power I'd have over her!

I am now fifteen and ready to start my fifth year at my favourite place, Hogwarts, and I'm very proud to call it my favourite place, thank you very much.

The place has nurtured and allowed me to grow in every way possible to become the person that I am today. I can't help but love Hogwarts in every way.

As I stand at the platform, I try to open my mind to the new possibilities the coming year can hold for me. I hope it will be an exciting and eventful year-- one that I'm able to pull fun stories out of to tell to my children in the future. I could say "Oh, I remember that time in fifth year when… Insert fun time here" I can only hope it would be one of _those_ years. I don't want it to be a year that the Slytherins drive us all insane and or a year where we all become obsessively focused on boys. That would be the worst.

Beginning at a run, I proceed straight to the wall, my unusually flaming red hair flowing behind me. Honestly, who has red hair? I hate it. The thing is, I don't generally like to stand out, and there's a big reason for my standing out, planted on top of my head for my entire life. Brilliant. Thanks, nature. Thanks, parents. Thanks, genes.

Instead of hitting the solid brick wall, I disappear through it, appearing on platform Nine and Three Quarters, my eyes transfixed on the scarlet train in front of me—my beloved Hogwarts Express.

I survey the familiar surroundings, searching for someone I knew. Upon seeing my best friends, I run over to them and greet them all with warm hugs, just like we always had done. I didn't realize how much I missed them.

To understand me, you have to understand my friends. First, there's Christine Chase. She's pureblood and we all like to give her a hard time about it, since we're all in Gryffindor.

I remember the first time I met Christine; I hated her immediately. But I only hated her because she was beautiful. She has medium length, light brown hair that's shiny, soft, and it never gets tangled; basically, it's perfect. She has startlingly crystal clear blue eyes to match, and she is absolutely stunning. If I hadn't hated Christine, I would have been in love with her. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not into girls or anything, but she is so abnormally beautiful that it's amazing. She's almost hard to look at; that's how pretty she is.

Christine loves to stand out in a crowd. She has to be the center of attention and loves all the attention everyone gives her. The students want her, or they want to be her and she's in love with every minute of it.

Christine dates around a lot; it's safe to say that she's been with a third of the boys in our year. She doesn't generally appear sluttish, but she has those days where she likes to wear skirts where her ass practically shows and tops where her large breasts hang out of. Though, she can be seen as sort of a whore, she isn't. She only seems to dress like one; whatever that meant. She would never become one of the Slytherin whores we all know and hate.

Christine is proud about her past relationships. She's completely open about them; we all knew she isn't a virgin. Details are not needed, believe me.

Though Christine's fairly out there, she somehow fits into our group. She _acts_ like us. She's as obsessed about grades as I have come to become. She's pretty nasty most of the time to people she doesn't like. She's incredibly sweet to Lexi, Karly, and I, (so much that it almost makes us sick) but is vicious and nasty to everyone else in the school. It doesn't make sense, though it's hard to hate her for being so sweet to us, so I choose to be her best friend instead.

Yeah, Christine has her days, but who doesn't? She just seems to handle her "off days" better than say, I do.

Next is Karly Zarbogio. Karly has experimented several times with her hair, but this year, she decided to wear her golden blonde hair long, hanging to her lower back. Her hair's amazing, I swear. Karly has always had a tan complexion without even working at it. Me? My ivory skin never tans. I can't even get a decent burn with my stupid skin!

It's hard to say exactly what colour Karly's eyes are. They seem to be a mixture of emotions at an attempt to come out literally. To name her eyes, they are hazel with a gold tinge to them. They suite her in every way and she's amazingly beautiful.

Like Christine, I hated Karly when I first met her. When I got to know her, I found out that it's easier to hate her than to hate Christine, because she isn't as nice as Christine was. Karly _is_ incredibly nice; it just doesn't make us sick.

Karly has only been with, as a rough estimate, nine guys; she isn't as open as Christine is about her relationships. She keep most things about them to herself, not that there's much to tell. As far as any of us know, she has been kissed.

Karly's as stubborn as I am and that's the reason we seem to be constantly fighting. That, and because neither of us are very good at controlling our tempers. That seems to be the only thing she and I have in common, besides one other thing. Karly has one love and its name is Quidditch; she and I share that. Though she's not on the team, she's absolutely obsessed with it. I've never seen her play, but judging by what I've seen of her on a broomstick, I'm sure she'd be brilliant on the team.

Lastly was Lexisse Taylor. We call her Lexi or Lex sometimes, but she doesn't mind.

Lexi has worn her hair the same way since the day I met her--medium length with deep layers. Her hair is a mysteriously shiny black that I have fallen in love with. She's also stunningly beautiful, again with the hate when I first met her. I'm just so jealous of all my friends and it sucks. If you simply glanced at Lexi, her eyes are a plain brown. But, if you look her in the eye, you can tell her eyes aren't a plain brown; they're a deep violet. I love this about her eyes because it reminds me that the simplest things in life are the hardest to see.

Lexi has always been the quietest. I swear that days go by where she doesn't utter a word, but she's insanely shy and I suppose that has something to do with it. There are a few things she shares with everyone, but I was an exception; Lexi tells me almost everything. I know that Christine and Karly respect her for that, though.

Lexi is completely private about her relationships and has only been with about three guys in her entire life. I know she has been kissed, but I'm never sure how much Christine and Karly know.

I swear Lex is the nicest person in the world and it's easy to hate her for it, but at the same time, you can't hate her. She is hurt so easily and it worries me. I always protect her and keep an eye on her. She's just so fragile and gentle that I'm scared someone will break her one day.

My last best friend, Lex, Christine, and Karly hate. It's obvious why they hate her. She's a Slytherin, has a reputation for being a bad ass rebel bitch, drinks often, and does other things that don't look too good written down. But, I love her to death. No, I'm still not into girls.

How do I describe Elizabeth Stone? I suppose you're wondering what she looks like. Liz is a different kind of beautiful than my other friends, but there's no denying that she's gorgeous. She has worn her shiny black hair long, reaching the end of her back, since I met her in third year. Her eyes are remarkable. Normally, they're a clear grey, but when she's showing a true care and compassion for someone or something, they're a crystal blue. When she's angry, they're deep silver; they fit her in every way.

Liz has always worn heavy make-up. She wears jet black mascara and I swear a pound of black eyeliner all around her eyes, deep and dark. It makes her pale skin even paler, making her look less alive and more like she's been dead for weeks. I think she likes that.

Liz doesn't take any crap from anyone and gets into a lot of fights as a result of this. I find it amusing and so does she. If someone says something about her, she beats the shit out of them. Any questions?

She never cares about consequences and proves that through the record-breaking detentions she receives. She gives the Marauders quite a run for their money!

The thing about Liz is that she has this mysterious, dangerous, foreboding feeling about her. The guys seem to be drawn to her, but she's pretty picky and likes to play with their minds most of the time. She's dated quite a bit, and isn't a virgin, but you would never be able to tell. She isn't innocent, but she seems so pure and original and that's what she goes for, I think.

It's easy to say that Liz is a bad influence on me, but she isn't. I didn't do any of the things I do now before I met her, but that's only because I met her in third year. She wasn't doing half the things she does now back then.

Now, I have a horrible swearing problem and I drink on occasion, when I need to forget my issues and troubles. My goody-goody friends don't know I do the things I do, and it's because I want to protect them from those things.

I'm not the role model people see me as. I've gotten into a few fights, but nothing terrible. Liz likes to call them 'sissy fights.' "They're a good start, but we'll keep working at it," she says.

I love her and being friends with her. She's so much like the me that I want to be; so much like the me that's dying to be released. She's so much the me that I really am.

Now I've gotten off topic. Where was I? Oh, the platform with Christine, Karly, and Lexi.

"How was your summer, Lily?" Christine asks me as soon as I reach them.

"Pretty boring. I mean, how would _you _like an entire summer of Petunia's insults? It just became annoying after a while. How about you guys?" I reply as the four of us walk aboard the train. We quickly find an empty compartment after stowing our trunks away and we plop down onto the comfortable seats.

"Well…" Lexi begins. "This summer I sort of had a… _thing_ with a muggle guy."

It strikes me as odd that Lexi would be open about this _thing_ she had with a guy over the summer. Usually she only told me those things because she and I were the closest of us all. I shrug it off as being that this boy doesn't mean anything to her, or that she is excited at finally having something to tell about her interactions with the opposite sex.

"Really? That's cool. Who was he? What did he look like?" Christine interrupts loudly. That's Christine for you.

"His name was Nick. I met him at the pool." Lexi's eyes look distant. She's traveled back in time to when she met this Nick kid. Earth to Lexi! We're all here on the Hogwarts Express. "There I was, soaking wet in my bikini, and I went to go ask for a towel; he was working there. I kept going back for little things, like sun tan lotion, sunglasses, and such. After a while, he asked me out. He was sixteen, and drove a car! He has blonde hair, and blue eyes. He is such a cutie-"

"So, what happened?" Christine interrupts, once again. I laugh lightly at her interruption and pick up a magazine, flipping through it.

However, Lexi doesn't seem to mind Christine's interruptions. Her eyes are still lost in that far away look and I can tell she was wishing for a split second that school doesn't have to start so soon. I know from speaking to Lexi on the phone that she had wanted to see where the relationship would go, but school had to start up again. Too bad, so sad.

"We hung out all summer. I don't really think that what we had could be called dating, but we were kind of together… Anyway, we had to end it a few days ago… I told him I went to boarding school and he went to public school so we both decided to end it. It was really too bad because he was really cute, but, oh well. There'll be other guys, I guess." Lexi shrugs. "Any other interesting summers?" She asks the rest of us.

Lexi is a one hundred percent muggleborn just like me. We are the closest because of this factor and used to do everything together, but this slowly started to fade last year. I don't mind much, though.

"Well, I guess you could say my summer was…interesting!" Christine starts. "You'll never guess who I dated!" Christine leaves a moment of silence for the rest of us to wonder before she starts in again. I roll my eyes. She really always has to be the center of everything. It's annoying.

"Sirius Black!" She says a minute later. Karly and Lexi gape. I yawn. I've never talked to him, but I've never seen what's so special about him. He's hot, but I don't know him at all. "It's true. I know he comes off to be such a player, but I couldn't resist. He's so hot! I sort of just ran into him at the beginning of summer and all throughout summer we just kind of kept bumping into each other and scheduled times to bump into each other. We ended things a few weeks ago, though. I guess it really can't be called dating. I mean, there was no commitment. He was probably with a few other girls at the same time… I don't know. He's a good kisser though, I'll give him that, but we threw a few parties at my-"

"-Mansion." The three of us finish lazily.

"It's just a normal house." Christine insists.

"Yeah, with indoor gardens, and house elves," I respond. Christine rolls her eyes.

Christine is the only pureblood out of our clique and because of this fact, she just happens to be extremely wealthy.

"Well, my summer wasn't nearly as eventful as all of yours," Karly says, seemingly put out. "My family went on a trip to Hawaii; my mom picked it out. My dad was so upset he couldn't use magic over the summer," she says. "I guess that was pretty much the highlight of my summer. Fun, right?"

Karly is the only half-blood out of our group, and proud of it. Her mom is a muggle and her dad is a wizard. It was a bit of a surprise when her mother found out on the night of their wedding!

The four of us spend the rest of the trip to Hogwarts flipping through teen magazines and casually talking here or there. We are all sort of nervous about the upcoming year, specifically about the O.W.L. exams, but excited about other things the upcoming year will bring.

"We're almost there," Karly says looking out the window and seeing the familiar surroundings that indicate that we're near the Hogwarts castle. After making the same trip for four years, it isn't difficult to speculate when we would be arriving at Hogwarts.

As all of us pull on our school robes we looked upon the gold lion crest with pride. We are honoured to be in the house of Gryffindor and wouldn't have wanted to be in any other house, given the choice. Except, I'd also love to be in Slytherin. That's just my little not-so secret secret. I'm in good with the Slytherins. I'm accepted by them. I'm one of their own, almost.

I admire the shiny prefect badge hanging self-importantly from my robes. As soon as I received my Hogwarts envelope I told all my friends. I owled Liz and she laughed, wishing me a sarcastic good luck.

I look around to make sure all the other girls are watching me before I breathe on the badge and wipe it with the sleeve of my robe in a mock humor.

"You know, if you keep shining that thing, you'll rub the 'prefect' right off it," Christine tells me, smiling.

"That's the idea," I say.

Soon the train stopped and all the passengers pile out of the train. It's extremely comforting to hear the familiar voice of Hagrid, the gamekeeper, shouting, "Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" I can't help but smile at the sight of Hagrid and I greet him with a wave and a bright smile.

"Hey, bitch!" I hear. My friends gape at the vulgar language, but I laugh as I recognize the voice. I turn, still laughing.

"Liz!" I yell, throwing my arms around her in a comforting hug. I hadn't realized how much I missed her. "How was your summer?" I ask when we both pull away from the embrace.

"Same old, same old. I'll have to tell you the details of the guys I _hooked up_ with some other time." Hooked up. She means slept with on more than one occasion. It's easy to pick up Liz's lingo. "Right now, your friends look like they're going to murder me." I laugh, but know how true it must be since my friends hate her.

"OK, I'll see you," I tell her, giving her a final hug. When I turn back to my other friends, they give me dirty looks, but I only push past them, heading towards a carriage. They follow me a little reluctantly.

As the first years are carried in boats across the lake, the rest of the students step carelessly into the carriages. There's non-stop chatter erupting everywhere I turn and it's the most amazing feeling to hear it all, to finally be back home. The knot of homesickness fades from my stomach as I lean back in the carriage and closed my eyes, listening to the conversations clashing together to become a variation of strange noises that don't make sense.

As the students entered the school, thunder cackles above and it starts to pour droplets of chilly water. This makes us all push and shove to get inside the building before we're all soaked from head to toe.

After being seated at the house tables, everyone directs their attention to the front, where the petrified first year students are sorted. Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Gryffindor are the houses of choice. I laugh, remembering how scared I was. It's quite amusing to watch them shake and tremble with fear.

After the sorting hat had sung its song, the students are called forward one by one to the chair to be sorted.

I'm losing the war with boredom. I've seen it all before. I do clap when students sit down at the Gryffindor table, but I yawn and allow my mind to drift most of the time.

I survey the Gryffindor table. I see Sirius Black whispering to another boy… I think it's Remus Lupin, but I'm not entirely sure. I mentally mark Sirius as untouchable, because Christine had had a 'something' with him; I can't have something with him. That's perfectly fine with me, though. He doesn't seem my type anyway.

The thing is, I've never really liked labels or the official title of 'dating.' I've always had a problem with relationships and commitment. It's funny, really, considering how picky I am when it comes to fancying guys.

As I continue to look down the table, I notice James Potter, who's completely focused on the sorting. I honestly don't know why girls fall all over themselves in his presence. I suppose he's decent looking, but not excessively. He's really nothing special, as far as looks go. At least in my book he isn't.

Potter whispers something to Sirius and then his eyes meet mine for a brief second. I turn around quickly, but not quick enough, for Potter has already seen me looking at him.

That's just great. Now he's going to think I'm another one of those girls who's completely obsessed with him. Just perfect.

I mentally curse the timing and kept my gaze forward for the entire evening. I refuse to give Potter a reason to believe I like him.

Finally, the headmaster stands and everyone in the room focuses on him and the speech we know he's about to give.

"I would like to extend a welcome to those who are coming back for another year. Welcome back! To our first years, I would like say welcome! I hope that you enjoy Hogwarts as much as I feel the rest of them have. I would also like to notify and remind our students, that the Forbidden Forest is, in fact, forbidden. Those who do not wish to die will please refrain from going near it. There is also a list of magical items that will not be permitted, put up on our caretaker, Mr. Filch's office door. Anyone interested is welcome to look, and I encourage that greatly. Mr. Filch has made it very evident that he will not put up with any of that nonsense this year." Dumbledore winks at the Great Hall and it's obvious that second that Dumbledore finds this humorous and was asked by the caretaker to tell the students what he just had. "Now, without further delay, let the feast begin!"

Food magically appears on the tables' golden plates, and the famished students begin to fill their plates with an assortment of food from all around the table. The First years are intrigued and fascinated and I just roll my eyes at them because I'm far past used to the ways of Hogwarts.

When the feast is over the plates are wiped clean and everyone heads to their house dormitories led by the prefects. The Gryffindors are led by me. I see Liz smirking at me before I leave the Great Hall. Yeah, _I'm_ prefect. If Dumbledore knew half the things I do with Liz, I wouldn't have made prefect, that's for sure.

Exhausted, I fall asleep in the bed I'm not used to yet and I dream of the events that will take place in the year ahead at Hogwarts.

* * *

I wake the next morning to Christine shaking me awake.

"Lily! Time for breakfast!"

I groan.

"Sod off! It's too early!" I yell. Christine pulls the covers off me. I have no choice. I stand, shoot Christine a dirty look for waking me, and proceed to the showers.

Everyone in the dormitory laughs at me; it's always a struggle getting me up everyday of the year. Yeah, things are definitely back to normal.

* * *

I walk into the Great Hall with Christine, Karly, and Lexi. I see Remus Lupin yawn and I smile at him. He and I had prefect duties last night and we went about our duties together, talking the whole time. I really enjoy his company and hope to get closer with him this year at Hogwarts.

As we sit down at the Gryffindor table, I hear laughing and looked to see Sirius already staring at me. James is red beside him and I wonder what's going on. I meet Sirius's gaze for a moment. Why is he looking at me? I can't stand people starring at me. Especially because he's laughing while he's looking at me. Are they talking about me? I have no problem giving Sirius dirty look and turning away from him.

Is he laughing at me? Why? I haven't done anything funny. Maybe it's my appearance. I've always been unconfident and have low self esteem. Is he honestly laughing at _me?_

Pushing the thought from my head, I tell myself he isn't worth it. But, suddenly, I don't want to eat. I can feel the rumble of the hunger in my stomach, but I don't care. James and Sirius have made me feel below ugly and I don't know why. Maybe if I don't eat I'll look better. I push my plate away from me, bid my friends farewell, making up some sort of excuse, and go off to find Liz, not waiting to receive my schedule.

Just as I thought, I find Liz on the roof, smoking one of her expensive cigarettes that no one outside me and the Slytherins know she smokes. I smile and sit next to her.

"Why aren't you at breakfast?" She asks me. I shrug.

"Not hungry," I reply, not meeting her eyes.

"Are you lying to me?" How does she always know?

"Why aren't _you_ at breakfast?" I ask her, not answering her question. I pray she'd forget.

"I don't eat breakfast," she replies, looking straight ahead to the beautiful Hogwarts grounds.

I love her answer. It's so her. She never does the strangest things like she never eats breakfast. She doesn't eat breakfast. It makes me smile.

We're silent for a long time while she finishes off her cigarette. Me, I've never tried smoking. Sure, I'm gradually becoming an alcoholic, but smoking? I'm not into that and she knows it. I love her because she's never once offered me a cigarette, except once when we were drunk in fourth year. She automatically knows I'm not into it, no questions asked. She doesn't make fun of me for not smoking, she respects it. It's something she'd only respect about me because I'm her best friend and she's mine.

"Ready to go back in?" She asks me, standing.

"What about your breath? What if someone finds out you've been smoking?"

"Let them find out. Like I give a shit."

I smile again. You really can't help loving her for who she was. At least, I can't help it. Most people hate her and I love it. She doesn't care that they hate her, she loves it. She loves that they're all scared of her and know not to mess with her. The same goes for me because I'm friends with Liz, though I hate that people don't generally mess with me _because _I'm friends with Liz. I'd rather fight my own battles and stand up for myself. I can't stand being weak.

We go back inside together and I see my three goody-goody friends making their way towards us, my schedule in hand.

"Oh look who it is," Liz mutters.

"Stop it," I tell her forcefully. No matter how 'good' they are, they're still my friends and I love them.

"Oh," Christine says, disgustedly when they notice I'm with Liz. "_Hi_."

"Want a cigarette?" Liz asks mockingly.

"Stop," I tell her. She only laughs.

I can already feel the tension rising in my two groups of friends and I'm stuck in the middle.

"No, thanks," Christine replies. "They kill. Good thing you smoke them."

"_Stop_!" I yell, holding Liz back. She may be tough, but she's as tall as me, if not shorter.

"Christine, I'll see you in class," I say, dismissing them. Christine rolls her eyes and turns to leave, but not before Liz flicks her off. Christine gasps and attempts to lunge at Liz, (I would have laughed, had this been anyone but Christine. She would get murdered) but I grab her and turned her around, pushing her in the opposite direction. "_Goodbye_!" I yell, annoyed. Karly and Lexi follow Christine and I sigh in relief. Liz laughs.

"Stop," I tell her.

"That bitch would have gotten the shit knocked out of her," she says.

"Yeah, well she's my friend, whether you like it or not. And if you don't like it and can't accept it, you might as well not be my friend. They're as much my friends as you are and I love them to death. I would never trade them for anything. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's the way things are. Deal with it," I say, feeling both brave and proud for finally having said something.

I then leave Liz in the hallway and walk to the library—the one thing I know can sooth me no matter what. When I read, everything else seemed to disappear. I love my problems dissolving and the only other thing I know that does that for me is either overdoses on pain medicine and alcohol. I figure that it's too early to be drinking, Liz has all the pain medicine I overdose on, and that reading is a much healthier approach. Yeah, me. Healthy. Ha.

When I arrive at the library, I breathe a sigh of relief as the soothing scent of books reaches me. I walk between rows of books, looking for something that catches my interest.

Finally, I find a book that meets all of my high standards. It's on the history of famous witches and wizards and I immediately look for a place to sit, but there aren't any empty tables available.

Potter just happens to be sitting at a table by himself reading a Quidditch magazine. I roll my eyes. Is that honestly the only available seat? I look around again. Yup, it is. Sighing, I decide that I'd rather stand and I lean against the bookcase. Madam Pince won't allow me to borrow another book seeing as I've already borrowed more than I'm allowed. Really. There's a limit to how many books you can borrow!

"You know, there's a seat right here. The only seat in the room," James says, not looking up from his magazine.

"And, why would I want to sit next to you?" I ask.

"Because it's better than standing. I don't bite, really. I promise."

I roll my eyes, seriously doubting that he doesn't bite. I can't help hating him for talking about me this morning. It doesn't even matter what he said about me. He shouldn't have been talking about me. It's just that he had been talking about me and then laughing. If he has something to say about me, he can say it to my face, or not at all. It's weak to talk behind other's backs.

"No thanks. I wouldn't want to be infected with conceit," I reply, smirking.

Lily: 1—Potter: 0

"Don't worry, you'd have no need to be conceited." I gape at him. Did he honestly just tell me I'm ugly? Bastard.

Lily: 1—Potter: 1

"Like you have a need to be conceited?" Lily: 2. "With your stupid hair" Lily: 3. "and ugly glasses," Lily: 4. "you think you're so cool. It's ridiculous, really." Lily: 5. "Because you're not all that. I don't see why anyone would want you anyway." Lily: 5 million!

"Hi, are you new? Have you seen the girls who worship the ground I walk on? And, you think someone would want someone like you?"

Lily: 0.

I don't have anything to say. All I can do was gape at him until it looks absolutely ridiculous. For the first time, I don't have a comeback. I always have a comeback!

The thing that annoys me the most is that he never even looked at me that entire time he insulted me. I hate his stupid smirk and his stupid Quidditch and how he has just ran his stupid hand through his stupid hair! So, I do the only thing that comes to mind at that moment. I slap him and walked out of the library, head held high and feeling pretty good about myself.

Lily: 1 million. I win!

* * *

That day is our first day of classes. I somehow locate my friends by searching the main corridors, and receive my schedule from them. Christine is pissed with me, but I can't care less. Karly and Lexi don't speak to me during each class. They aren't mad, just kind of scared to talk to me. It makes me feel like a horrible person and doesn't do much for my self esteem. I can't concentrate on my classes much today and can't take any decent notes.

My first class of the day is Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Ravenclaws. Not one word from my three friends. Christine is cross at me, Lexi is focused on the class, and Karly keeps sending me hopeful, sad gazes. Why, I do not know. Whatever. I don't need sympathy. I hate it.

Defense Against the Dark Arts is followed by Charms with the Hufflepuffs and Transfiguration with the Slytherins. Liz sends me depressed gazes throughout the entire Transfiguration class and I feel bad for yelling at her, but she really doesn't need to be a bitch to my friends like that. Maybe I'll track her down later and tell her just that. She has a tendency to pile all her problems on me when we're in a fight to, I guess, guilt me into forgiving her. I hate when she does that.

Then I have Ancient Runes with the Slytherins and finally Double Arithmancy with the Ravenclaws.

As I walk into the Arithmancy classroom, I'm glad none of my friends take Arithmancy. It's like a break from them and it's just what I need.

I look for a place to sit, but I've come into class late and all the seats are filled. Well, all except one. I roll my eyes at who I'm forced to sit with. Why does this happen to me? Life really doesn't like to be nice to me. "Life's a bitch and then you die," Liz says.

Yup, you guessed it. I have to sit next to Potter. I don't know how this always happens. I swear it's all a conspiracy. The world is out to get me and I don't know why.

The one thing I'm trying to prevent--Potter thinking I fancy him-- and I can't seem to distance myself from him because of these mysteriously strange coincidences. It isn't even that I don't want him to think I fancy him. I hate the boy by this point in the day and I just want him to die. I'd gladly do it myself, given the chance. It'll be more satisfying that way. That's just me I guess. You'll come to find out that I hate just about everyone for the littlest and stupidest reasons. I have a lot of anger problems. What can I say? I'm a very heated girl!

Nevertheless, our lovely professor comes in and tells me to sit, pointing to the seat by James. I roll my eyes and sigh, having no choice but to sit down. I can almost hear that stupid Potter smirking at me and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I open my eyes and speak.

"I was late to class and there are no other seats, as you can see. I don't want to hear a word about it. Don't speak to me, don't touch me, don't even look at me and we will get along perfectly this year," I tell him, not looking at him. I can't see his expression, but I see him turn his head from me from the corner of my eye as I look straight ahead, and I can tell somehow that he isn't smiling. At least it's worked and he isn't going to bother me. I can have one of my classes be pleasant because I won't be forced to think of comebacks to someone who doesn't deserve my comebacks in the first place.

Suddenly, our teacher begins the speech we've been getting at the beginning of every class we go to.

"As you all know, you will be having your O.W.L. exams at the end of this year. It is essential to do well on the Arithmancy O.W.L. in order to pass on to sixth year. It will be vital that you all pay close attention to every class period because I can certainly guarantee that it will be on your O.W.L. If you desire to fail, by all means, shut me out. But do not prevent the other students who wish to pass from learning the valuable information. On that note, today we will be learning…" Professor Vector continues lecturing the class.

I take out some parchment and a quill to begin taking notes on the new information we're receiving. I sigh. Even if James leaves me alone during Arithmancy and doesn't bother me the entire year, which I'm not entirely sure he will, I still have a very bad feeling, and I don't know why or where the feeling is coming from (that's what pisses me off the most about it!) that it is certainly and definitely going to be a dreadfully _long_ year.

Thanks, school.

Thanks, life.

**A/N-** uh, review! And now read TTT! It's the companion, so you've got to read it now! Thanks!

xDreamerx


	2. I Never Stop Talking

**Chapter 2- I Never Stop Talking**

"_I've been driving for an hour, just talking to the rain. You say I've been driving you crazy and it's keeping you away. So, just give me one good reason, tell my why I should stay. Cuz, I don't want to waste another moment saying things we never meant to say."_

_-----The song for this chapter is **Breathe** by Michelle Branch_.

The chilly days of September quickly fade into an even colder October. Much to my dismay, it's that time of the year again: we all have to wear heavy cloaks. I hate winter. Or fall, whatever season this is. I despise it.

Just as I had suspected, Potter refuses to leave me alone in Arithmancy. Luckily for me, the seats we sat in on the first day became our assigned seats. I'm forced to sit next to Potter. A conspiracy, I'm telling you.

Potter doesn't talk to me; he doesn't talk to me much, anyway. He'll shoot out insults every so often when we aren't in class and I'm only too happy to return them. I've thought of a few comebacks that I'm especially proud of and I'm nothing but pleased to test them out on Potter.

In Arithmancy, he does little things he knows will annoy me. For example, he'll tap his quill, and his favourite way to vex me is to hit my arm with his elbow when I'm taking notes, so that I scribble all over my notes.

I have a lot of fun with him, too. I pretend to stretch my arms, only to hit him in the head 'accidentally' with my arm. "Whoops. Maybe if your head wasn't so big…" I say. When I'm with Liz, I love to bash James while in his presence. Also, my favourite and my specialty is when I 'accidentally' knock over the ink for my quill all over his notes. It really brings a tear to my eye to see my amazing and annoying tactics at work.

Though things are icy where Potter and I are concerned, Sirius seems to be taking it as an open invitation and is purposefully warming up to me. I don't really remember how he and I had started talking. In History of Magic, my assigned seat is next to him and he's constantly doing things to make me laugh such as imitating old Professor Binns.

I'm a sucker for guys who make me laugh.

Because he makes me laugh, I guess, I've decided that there are worse creatures on the planet and we should start talking more often.

I don't think I fancy Sirius. I hardly know him! I love laughing and I live to make people laugh, just as Sirius does. I'm surprised to find that he and I have so much in common and I really enjoy the deep talks we have together. Who would have thought pretty-boy Sirius Black knew how to have a deep conversation? Definitely not me. It was a wake up call, really, and I seem to have looked past his reputation. It's the first time I have ever (or have been given a reason to) look past anyone's reputation. It's odd, and I'm not sure I like it.

I know that it looks bad—Sirius and I being found almost all the time in each other's company, talking incessantly. I suppose to the watchful eyes of Hogwarts, Sirius Black and Lily Evans have some kind of relationship that left friendship way behind. But, that's just Hogwarts: always jumping to conclusions. He's a good person to talk to, and not to mention incredibly good-looking. If that means I'm in love with him, way to go, Hogwarts. You figured it out before I did!

I'm not even sure if I fancy him. Plus, he's Potter's best friend and right hand man and I could never forgive him for that.

But, he _is_ hot.

It was two weeks before Halloween and the Halloween Ball. Sirius and I were taking a stroll around the castle, walking back to the Gryffindor common room, having another one of our conversations.

"So, Lily," he says. Oh, what now? His tone is… serious. I'm scared to find out what he wants to talk to me about. I can't help thinking he's about to say something about how James and I are getting along simply wonderfully. I guess sarcasm only works when you're actually talking. "We've been hanging around a lot lately and I've really had a lot of fun with you," Sirius says casually.

"It's been a lot of fun," I reply, waiting for him to drop the J-bomb. Please, don't talk about that stupid prat! "You're a really cool person, Sirius. I'm glad I've been getting to know you better."

"Well, I've been getting to know you better too in these past few weeks and so, I was wondering if you would mind going to the Halloween Ball with me," Sirius responds, smooth as silk.

It's an annual Hogwarts tradition to hold balls at each holiday following the feast. The students had grown to love and look forward to these special occasions and made quite a big deal out of it. In the future, these balls were to be cancelled due to inappropriate behaviour concerning younger students. You can only imagine what these inappropriate actions were.

"Umm..." I whisper. Did he actually just ask me that? Where did that come from? I'm not even sure we're friends! I don't know what we are and now he wants to go to the Halloween Ball with me? I have to bite back a laugh. This is obviously a joke. Why would he want to go with me, of all people? I still remember him and James talking about me and laughing. I can't help holding grudges. It's just who I am. I can't seem to let this one go.

"Why?" I ask. "Why would you want to go with _me?_"

"I thought I just told you. We've been spending a lot of time to together and I like hanging out with you."

Way to make me feel stupid. I hate feeling stupid. Thanks, asshole.

I thought back to all the time I spent with Sirius. He's a great guy, better than I played him out to be. But do I really like him enough to go to the ball with him? He seems to be such a player. Do I really want that?  
But, I still can't let go of him talking about me. It's one of the only things I can't stand. I hate when people talk about me. They can say it to my face, or not at all. And I just refuse to let this one go. I don't care what they had said about me; it doesn't matter to me.

Smiling wickedly, I decide to beat Sirius at his own game. I'll show a little Liz, if you will; play with his head a bit. It'll be so much fun. My smile grows as I think of my plan to play with Sirius's mind; I open my mouth to accept Sirius's invitation to the ball.

"Thank you. I would love to go to the ball with you."

Man, I'm good. He bought it! The prat actually bought it! I smile evilly, thinking of my plan. This is going to be too good. I mentally make a note to tell Liz about this later. Maybe the ball won't be so bad, as long as I'm having fun teasing Sirius.

Sirius smiles in return, tells the portrait the password, and holds open the portrait for me, responding with an, "After you!"

God, he's so lame. I force a smile and step into the common room.

He really is such a loser. But, a nice, cute loser. Kind of.

And I'm going to the Halloween Ball with him.

It almost makes me laugh.

The following week at school is an exceptionally good one for me. I spend most of it working as hard as I always have, but a lot more time than usual is consumed with Sirius. I figure if I have to pretend that I actually want to go to the ball with him, I have to be a damn good actress. I spend twice as much time with him than I usually spend and he is completely consumed by it all.

I hang around him and am seen in his company more often than not. I intend to get to know him better because if I'm really going to pull off the whole "playing with his mind" scheme, I learned from Liz that you have to research entirely and find out everything there is so that you can pull off teasing and messing around with boys' poor little minds.

I've been taught well.

After seven days of this, it's the day of the ball--Friday. Lexi shakes me gently to wake me that morning.  
"Come on Lils, you've got to wake up," Lexi whispers.

I swear under my breath and groan. I could hear Lexi frowning upon the language I use to express exactly what I think about the time of day. I find it funny. She finds it offensive. It annoys me to the point that I'm ready to pull my hair out, but, luckily, I don't.

It's way too early for anyone to be up, but I know that I have to wake up since we have classes. I open my eyes, smile weakly at Lexi, and stumble across the room with my eyes closed, blindly making my way to the shower.

I meet my three friends in the common room once I'm ready. We head to the Great Hall for breakfast, all the while I either complain about the time, or snap at either of them when they speak to me, for I'm far too grouchy. I hadn't had enough sleep the previous night. Damn prefect duties. I didn't even want the stupid badge.

They choose a spot at the Gryffindor table, not noticing that it's directly next to where the Marauders are sitting. I'm beyond pissed, but I can't complain about it, since the object of my compliant is right beside me, staring at me. Coincidentally, I end up sitting next to Sirius. Fucking thanks a lot. I smile weakly at him and lay my head on the table.

"Lily hasn't gotten enough sleep, so beware of her," Christine explains. I shoot her a death glare and Christine's eyes flick down to her plate, smiling shyly. Sirius laughs and I set my head back down. It's way too early!

Damn mornings.

As a conversation flows between Sirius and my three friends, I tune them out, listening in on a conversation Remus and Potter are having. It catches my interest and I listen, using all the skill Liz had taught me to make it look as if I weren't listening at all.

"Jealous?" Remus asks Potter.

"What are you talking about?" Potter responds. His voice is mildly surprised, but he's also trying to act like he has no clue what was going on. He's bad at acting and I can tell exactly how he's feeling in his voice. I have gotten so good at doing that.

"You just seem a little bothered by Sirius sitting next to Lily," Remus explains. "Are you?"

"I don't know. I know that I don't fancy Lily--it's only a crush, but I guess I am a little jealous. Sirius and I have always been equally liked in terms of girls, and I've had a crush on her since the beginning of first, and now…"

"Sirius is taking her," Remus finishes.

"Well… yeah. I don't want to sound selfish or anything because I know he likes Lily and he fancies her. I don't mind that they're going to the ball together and will probably date after that because that's the way Sirius is, but still…"

"Yeah," Remus says, turning back to his plate. "I know."

I decide then that I should excuse myself from the table and head to the library.

"You haven't eaten anything!" Sirius tells me.

"I know. I'm not hungry," I reply over my shoulder.

As I settle into a table at the library, hiding behind a book in the back of the library, I finally let myself think about what I've just overheard.

James has a crush on me? He has since first year? That can't be right. He's always making fun of me and tripping me in the hallway and all that. It can't be right. It just can't.

But, it was James's voice who admitted. The same voice that taunts and insults me. I'd know his voice anywhere.

I smirk as I think of the fun I can have with this new found knowledge. I think I've just found a new person to play with. I can't wait to tease James. It makes me tingly, just thinking about it.

But wait. What did Remus mean 'Sirius is taking me'? Sirius definitely _isn't_ 'taking' me. And how James had said that Sirius and I would probably date after the ball? Who said that? Had Sirius implied that? That asshole.

I had never said anything about dating him and I don't intend to. I just want to fool around with his mind for fun.

Then again, it might be just as fun to date him as a joke. I can definitely tease him and play with him more that way.

The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a good idea. I smile thinking about the two boys I'll have fun teasing this year. I love the information I've just received, mostly because I can use it to my advantage.

Maybe, just maybe, this won't be such a bad year after all.

On the night of the Halloween Ball, everyone seems to be taking their time to get ready and look their best for this special night. It's quite an enormous occasion and everyone seems to be making an effort to make the night perfect.

I glance at my final appearance in the full-length mirror. It's the result of an hour and a half of work and I have to say that I'm fairly impressed by the final outcome. I had purposely taken a long time to get ready so that Sirius would be in shock--the perfect topping to my night of fun with him.

I'm wearing green dress robes that perfectly match my emerald eyes. The robe hugs my curves slightly, but isn't scandalous. I'm glad that I haven't been eating the past week. It has definitely improved my body. I can still see places that need work, like my hips, but I figure that there's plenty of time to work on it. For now, I'm just glad I look good in these robes.

My hair was tied up in a messy bun, which added a casual twist to my formal robes. I look good and it will be fun to see who agrees. Boys are so easy it wasn't even funny.

Except for the part that it is.

I smile at my appearance. My reflection winks at me, which makes my smile brighten as I straighten out my robes one last time before walking down the stairs to meet Sirius, as we had previously planned.

This is going to be too good.

Karly is going to the ball with Remus, who had asked her to go a week prior to the ball, but only as 'friends.' I remember what Karly had told me Remus had said when asking her to go with him.

_"Hey, Karly," he had said. "I don't have a date and I know you don't, so how about it? It'll only be as friends so you don't have to worry about that, but I think we'd have fun together. So, what do you think?" Remus had said, so informally._

Of course, Karly agreed to go because she really _didn't _have another date. I had generously agreed to stay the night in, just her and I hanging out in the dormitory, but she wants to go to the ball for some strange reason.

"Whatever," I had said. "It's your funeral."

She is wearing cream-colored robes that somehow appeals to her tan complexion and has her golden hair half up in a ponytail. She's fairly satisfied with the ending result because of the amount of time it took her to get ready.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Her reflection asks her before I go to meet Sirius.

"Remus Lupin," she responded, a smile growing on her face when her reflection nods in approval.

I smile. She is so happy to be going with Remus. He's a great guy and I wink at Karly before heading down the stairs.

I can't be happier for her.Lexi is wearing deep purple robes causing her raven hair to shine, which hangs beautifully to her shoulders. I'm jealous of her beauty; she looks way too pretty for Potter.

She's going to the ball with James. Why, I don't know. She seems happy to be going with him and it's not like I can't see why. He and Sirius are the most popular guys in the school—anyone would be lucky to go with them.

But, Potter? Gross.

She knows I hate James and she asked me if I was okay with her going with him. Yeah, I said. I don't care.

I don't care. It's just that I don't like him and he's going with my best friend. It's weird.

Christine is going with Lucius Malfoy. She has taken a liking to the Slytherins and hangs out with them more and more often. Lucius asked Christine two weeks earlier and they had been dating ever since. It's odd. Since first year, Malfoy has been absolutely in love with Liz and, in turn, she likes to play with his mind. I guess he finally became sick of it, but I have no doubt that Liz is still fooling around with him, especially because he's dating Christine. They _hate_ each other.

Christine is wearing blue robes that matched her eyes exactly and her light brown hair is up in messy knots. She looks way too good for Malfoy. Well, she is too good for Malfoy, but I suppose I won't get into that. It's just, why would she even want him?

Liz… I knew from helping her pick out her robes that they are black. She loves black. They almost scandalously fit her curves and I know it's because she likes playing with guy's heads. I can only guess that she's keeping her hair down. She has worn all her heavy make-up, and is going with some hot, popular Slytherin. He just happens to be Christine's older brother, Charley.

When I come down the stairs, Sirius is already waiting for me. I find out immediately that all the time I spent getting ready hasn't been wasted. I notice that both Sirius _and_ Potter are gazing at me in amazement. I smirk at Potter and he blushes lightly for having been caught staring at me. I walk to Sirius and he takes my hand, kissing it lightly.

Sirius is wearing black robes that match his shiny black hair, while James is wearing smoky gray robes made of a comfortable fuzzy material and Remus sports dark maroon coloured robes.

I walk into the Great Hall, arm in arm with Sirius. I smile, hoping that I will have fun--my kind of fun.

The Great Hall is draped in orange and black and has pumpkins floating in mid-air, glowing fiercely. There are streamers hanging along the walls and the sky is dark and starry; there is no moon.

The ball was pretty uneventful. We danced, ate, and Sirius walked me back to the common room.

Therefore, I didn't have much opportunity to play with Sirius. I had danced almost dangerously close to him, kissed him on the cheek, kissed him on the place right next to his lips, but I never kissed his waiting lips. That was part of teasing and playing with his head. You kept them wanting more, but you barely gave them any at all. It was amusing, but I wish I would have had more opportunity to have a little more fun. The poor dope bought it all. That was the best part.

"Did you have a good time?" Sirius asks me on the walk back to the Gryffindor tower. I nod and smile, looking at the ground.

Yeah, I had fun alright.

"Good. I did too. So, um, you know next weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend? Well, I was wondering if you'd consider going with me."

I smile, but it's a fake one. Did he really just ask me that? Well, I have gotten a heads up from Potter that Sirius wants to date me, but go on a date with him? It will be a way to get into dating him and maybe dating him for real won't be that bad. I mean, I don't fancy him or anything. But, Sirius is popular, fun to be with, and terribly hot. I guess I have to think this one over.

Sirius is a great guy and not the person I thought he was; he isn't the person he's played out to be. But, there is his reputation to take into consideration. I don't want to get hurt, if I actually date him for real, but now that I'm getting to know him better, he doesn't seem like the kind of person that will hurt me, intentionally or not. I just really don't know what to do. He's friends with the enemy—James Potter. That has to mean something, doesn't it?

Any girl would be lucky to go out with Sirius, I know that. But I don't fancy him. I don't want to date him for that specific reason. Yeah, me, the bitch, not wanting to hurt someone. Surprise, surprise.

Maybe I have a tiny crush on him, but who wouldn't? He's hot, popular and rich. I'm pretty sure that even that pathetic Pettigrew boy has a crush on Sirius!

I have a crush on him, but I don't fancy him. Do I really want to date him? I suppose this is the kind of thing that you just have to take a chance on and trust your instinct. So, taking a deep breath, I do.

"Sure, Sirius. I'd love to."

Who said that? Did I just say that?

Sirius smiles at me and his hand finds mine.

Hand-holding. It's cute, I guess. I'd only done it with a few lame boyfriends in the past. Personally, I find cuddling with a boy more appealing than making out with him.

When we arrive and enter the common room, it's deserted. Sirius walks me to the stairs of the girls' dormitory.

I'm not nervous. I've been kissed before. It's pretty obvious, by the way Sirius is looking at me, that he's going to kiss me. I think it's always a little nerve wracking, kissing someone for the first time, even if it's not your first kiss, because, in a way, it is a first kiss. It's your first kiss with that particular person and I like to think about it as if you were jumping off a cliff, blindfolded. You're not really sure what to expect, or when it's coming.

See, you're not sure how good a kisser this person is, or how fast they move in relationships. You're not sure if it's going to work, or if you hit the rock bottom, breaking into little pieces.

I try not to think about jumping off a cliff as I stare into Sirius's eyes, waiting for him to kiss me.

"Well, goodnight and sweet dreams," Sirius tells me, giving my hand a squeeze before letting go.

"Yeah, goodnight," I reply. I prepare myself and take a deep breath, still waiting for him to kiss me.

As I stare into Sirius's eyes, it's now that I see it in his orbs: he really, really liked me. It isn't a joke and he isn't pretending. I can see it in his eyes that he isn't.

All of the sudden, I feel beautiful.

Then, Sirius leans down and my eyes flutter shut. And he kisses me.

Sirius was an amazing kisser. That is evident as soon as his lips touch mine. It is such a small, simple kiss, and yet, so much emotion and passion comes through it. There's no other word for it. It's just wonderful.

Sirius brakes away from my lips a few seconds later and I smile at him. He smiles a cute, shy smile that doesn't suit him in the slightest. I know he knows that that smile makes him cute and I can tell that that is the only reason he ever smiles like that. It almost makes me roll my eyes at his arrogance, but then I realize I will look like I'm insane, rolling my eyes after he kisses me. I decide to just bid him goodnight again and make my way back upstairs to change out of my dress robe. Liz and I had made plans to hang out after the ball, she's bringing the alcohol. I make sure Sirius isn't in the common room before I exit, heading for the roof—the secret meeting place that belongs to me and Liz.

I smile, remembering the kiss.

Once again, I feel beautiful.

I jerk awake the next morning, remembering the previous night. I smile and relax in my bed.

Luckily, Liz had taught me what to do to make sure I won't have a hangover. You are supposed to wait until you were fully sober before going to sleep. It works every time.

There's a faint throbbing in my head, but it's easy to ignore. I've had worse hangovers.

I vaguely remember telling Liz about Sirius and me.

"_Do you remember Sirius Black? The guy I'm playing with?" _I had asked her, taking a sip of my first firewhiskey of the night.

"_Yeah. He's so hot."_

"_Well, I'm kind of dating him."_

I had dropped it, just like that. After telling her, I most certainly needed to get drunk. She hadn't given me hell about it though. She had just laughed and reminded me that you always had to separate your work and your play. They could never be mixed. That was never okay.

I know, I said.

I don't intend to date him for real, I lied.

I don't really like him. He's hot, rich and popular. He'll just be fun to fool around with, I told her, pretending I meant it.

Now let's get drunk.

I look over to the clock hanging on the wall and groan when I discover the time. It's only 3:07 am. Great. Just great.

Finding I can't fall back asleep now that I'm awake and my mind is working this hard, I get up and pull on my robe and slippers. Silently creeping out of my bed, careful not to wake anyone, I snatch the book I'm currently reading and head to the common room.

No one would be awake yet. It's perfect. I will have the whole room to myself, just Lily and the quiet. The thought is so appealing that I almost run to the common room, but I then realize that everyone else was sleeping and I can't make noise to wake them.

Oh, duh.

The castle is strangely quiet as I walk to the dormitory door. It scares me half to death and I don't know why.

Oh, I know why. I hate the quiet.

I think I might be scared of the silence for some odd reason, but I can't seem to figure out why. All know is that I've always hated the quiet. Case closed.

Wanting to scream to fill the silence, I turn the knob of the door silently, my head throbbing more than ever from trying to keep from screaming in the darkness. I begin down the stairs, hoping that when I get to the common room, the cackling fire will fill the silence I know waits for me down there.

Luckily, I don't have to rely on the fire at all.

Clutching my book, I made my way down the stairs, but hear voices in the common room. I stop; both of the voices sound familiar. I turn to walk back up the stairs because I don't want to eavesdrop, but I change my mind when I hear my name and decided that if these people are talking about me, I might as well know what they are saying about me. I sit on the stairs and listen quietly, feeling as if they can hear my every breath.

"I wanted to talk to you about Lily," one of the voices says.

"What about her?"

"Well, I know you have a crush on her, and I like her too, and I don't want this to ruin anything between us."

"I told you it was fine. I'm OK with it all, In fact, I'm happy for you."

"Are you sure?" The first voice asks.

"Yes. Positive. It is only a crush, after all. It's not like I fancy her. You do, don't you?"

There is a long silence in which I wish I can see what is going on between the two boys. I immediately notice that I'm breathing heavily, but only because I'm nervous of being heard. I hold my breath and wait for them to continue their conversation.

"Do you fancy her, Padfoot?" The second voice asks again.

"Well, I mean… _Yeah_, I really do."

"Then you should go for it. I'm happy for you."

I can almost hear both boys smile. I hear the slapping of hands and know they must be giving each other a secret handshake. I smile. Boys are so stupid. I almost laugh out loud, but remember that I'm not supposed to be listening to this conversation in the first place.

"Alright, I'm going back to bed."

"OK. I can't sleep. I'll see you later."

I hold my breath and hide as I hear one of the guys make his way up the stairs. After hearing no movement in the common room for a good ten minutes, I figure both boys have left and I proceed to the common room with my book.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't think anyone was in here," I say as soon as I enter the common room, for it isn't empty. One of the guys is still in the room with his back to me. He turns around and I know immediately why I thought I recognized the voices. It is Sirius.

"Hey, Lily," he says, moving over on the couch so that I can sit next to him. "I didn't think anyone else would be awake."

It's Sirius. So that means the other voice has to be either James or Remus… Bloody Hell, why do they have to sound so much alike? I wonder who it is… It's probably James, since I found out the other day that it's James who's had a crush on me since first year.

"Yeah me either," I reply, distractedly.

"What are you doing awake? Are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I promise. I just couldn't sleep and thought I'd read for a bit. What are you doing awake?"

"Just doing some thinking," he says.

He doesn't mention who he was talking to… I wonder why… I know it was James, but I wonder why Sirius won't say anything about it. He probably just doesn't know I know that James has a crush on me and, of course, being James's friend, can't say anything about it, especially to me.

I sigh, sit down by Sirius, and open my book. Sirius puts his arm around my shoulders and stares off into the fire wrapped in his own thoughts.

His arm is around my shoulders. I don't think anyone has ever put their arm around my shoulders. It's usually my waist. Even the one time I was shivering and my boyfriend at that time wanted to keep me warm, he only tightened his arm around my waist. He didn't even put an arm around my shoulders to warm me. It's odd. But, now Sirius has his arm around my shoulder and it isn't that I'm uncomfortable with it. I just don't know what to do.

When a guy holds your hand, you hold his back. You don't just leave your hand limp while he holds it.

When a guy French kisses you, you involve your tongue as well. You don't let him do all the work.

When a guy smiles at you, you smile back. You don't just walk away, leaving him grinning like an idiot.

All of these things have happened to me already in the past and so I know what to do about them.

But, a guy has never put his arm around my shoulders.

So, I do the only thing I feel that's right. I draw nearer to him, relax myself in his arms, and let him hold me.

And that's how it stays for a while, until I fall asleep. I suppose Sirius draped a blanket over while I fell asleep because by the time I wake, there is a blanket covering my shivering form. I didn't realized I had been cold while I was asleep.

Only, Sirius draping a blanket over me isn't the cutest part.

The cutest part is Sirius holding me while I slept and just enjoying the warmth of my company.

It is the kind of mushy stuff that usually makes me want to gag or something, but for some reason, the thought of him holding me in my slumber doesn't make me gag. It only makes me smile.

**Author's Note-** No critical diseases are causing me to die, I didn't drown in some freak accident, and I haven't decided to run away to Vegas and get married. Just the same old thing—laziness, school, work, family, friends, grounded, sick, other stories, etc. However, I've finally put in the edits for this chapter and I promise the next one's not going to take this long. I'm trying to write five stories at a time so I'm working out a rotation schedule for writing. New chapter of TTT isn't up yet seeing as I haven't even written it yet, but I'll try to get it written and edited this week, maybe? At the most it will be posted sometime next week. And MD… I'm going to work on that one next week. I haven't written chapter 9 yet, so I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Anyway, as always thank you for reading, I hope you liked it, posts will not be this long apart, and I'm terribly sorry about this! I punish myself! No more homework for a month! Sounds good to me!

Please, review! I love to hear what you think and it'll improve my writing and my story. Reviews make me post faster, so don't be lazy like me! Get those fingers exercising and write me long, beautiful reviews!

xDreamerx


	3. I Have No Friends So I'm My Own Best

**Chapter 3—I Have No Friends So I'm My Own Best Friend**

Apparently, Sirius and I are now in a relationship. What we are, I have no clue, but my crush on Sirius seems to be growing and I hate it. It's just a joke; I'm just trying to beat Sirius, the pro at playing with girls, at his own game. It isn't in the plan for me to have a crush on him. Mixing work with play is what I'm doing; I'm mixing business with pleasure and I know that can't happen. I know I have to stop mixing the too. That's what Liz would tell me.

She doesn't tell me what to do, or anything. She just reminds me of what I'm doing. Liz didn't force me to fool around with Sirius; that's entirely my idea. She's just helping me out, is all. I need the help.

Rumors fly around the school because Sirius and I are… whatever we are. I have been "with" him longer than any girl and I love that they're jealous of me. That's the only reason they make up rumors anyway. It's pretty obvious that they're just jealous.

As far as my newfound feelings for Sirius go, I choose not acknowledge them. If I ignore them, maybe they'll go away. I hate that I'm developing feelings for him. I hate that I was getting attached. If I have no feelings for him, I can't get hurt. If I'm not emotionally involved, I can't get damaged. But, somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I'm falling harder for him, and I somehow know, in the midst of it all, that I'm going to get hurt.

Rumors always fly at Hogwarts because the students have nothing better to talk about. It annoys me out of my mind when I hear rumors passing through the corridor, but Sirius just tells me to ignore them. Easy for him to say. He doesn't have a million girls wanting to stab him between the eyes.

I can't stand how I walk into a room and everyone falls silent. That's the biggest sign that they have been talking about me.

Or, worse, is when I walk into a room, they don't even bother to stop talking. They just keep saying shit about me, not even bothering to lower their voice when I'm around.

As I walk into the library, whispers erupt all around me. It's like on cue, all the conversations start when I enter, just to annoy the crap out of me. Well, it works.

A scrawny girl, a pathetic excuse for a second year, is talking to a group of Hufflepuff girls sitting next to her, not bothering to lower her voice. Who is she to talk? She's twelve!

"I heard that the only reason Lily and Sirius are still together is because Sirius is sleeping with her and using her for a good lay. Like she'd be a good lay!"

"Yeah? Well, I heard that Sirius is sleeping with another girl as well, but Lily won't believe it because she's _so_ in love with Sirius," another girl replies.

This was the rumor that made me angrier than all the others. First of all, _I_ am the one using Sirius! He isn't using me. Secondly, the things they're saying about Sirius were exactly the kind of person I thought he was. I hate his reputation and it causes a strange emotion in me, which I refuse to believe is hurt. I'm probably annoyed. Yeah, that's it.

Also, it's not true! Nothing they're saying is true! I don't even fancy Sirius, let alone _love_ him!

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's lies.

Then, again, I'm the master of all lies. How ironic. I'm a contradiction.

Don't forget a hypocrite.

I turn and give the younger girl the dirtiest look I can muster and walk out of the library, head held high. I would have said something mean to the girl, but she's only twelve and her _poor, innocent _heart might not be able to take it. Poor darling. Having never had a proper insult thrown her way? I really can fix that, if she wants. No? I didn't think she could handle it anyway.

I can be so mean sometimes.

Hey, who said_ sometimes_?

I planned on skipping breakfast to go to the library, but apparently the library sucks as much as the Great Hall does. I hear my stomach growl, and I can't remember the last time I ate. Oh yeah, I had an apple for breakfast yesterday. I'm good.

But I decide to head to breakfast after all. Maybe I can sit with Liz and complain about how life likes to treat me like shit.

Upon entering the Great Hall, all conversations halt. Most eyes are directed at me. I smirk at the Great Hall and shoot some dirty looks, causing some people to look away. I try to ignore the looks I'm getting as I search the Slytherin table for Liz. She isn't there. I sigh in defeat and give up, walking reluctantly to the Gryffindor table. When I sit down, on cue, all the conversations start again. What the hell is that?

"This really needs to stop," I say to Lexi and Karly. Christine is sitting with Lucuis at the Slytherin table and Sirius isn't at breakfast. I smile as I notice that. I don't need to deal with him right now. It doesn't really matter where he is. He's probably just sleeping in. Maybe, if I feel like being nice, I'll go wake him up later. Maybe.

"Something bigger will happen and it'll all blow over. They'll eventually get sick of making up their own ideas, and it'll end," Karly responded, reassuringly.

Hearing the post come in, I put my hand in the air, catching my newspaper. I slip a silver coin into the owl's carrying pouch and the owl flies away. I watch the owl a minute until it's out of sight. Owls have always sort of interested me. I'm kind of a dorky animal person.

Suddenly, the Great Hall breaks out in gasps and tears and I soon find out why. Glancing at the cover of the _Daily Prophet_, my mouth drops in shock. I look over the cover a few times before really comprehending what is on it. This can't be happening. It really can't.

On the front cover is the family portrait of three muggle families, their faces smiling happily. It almost makes me cry to seem them so happy, knowing before I read the article what had happened to them.

_Three muggle families were murdered last night under the same spell; the killing curse, better known as "Avada Kedravra." They are said to be killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his new band of recruited followers known as rich purebloods, or "Death Eaters" to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself._

_The townspeople have reportedly said that they were unaware how the Death Eaters arrived, but swarmed everywhere, shooting curses every which way. It has been said that they broke open the doors of the three muggle homes and killed the families residing there. It does not say who is behind these attacks, but the theory is that it is You-Know-Who. _

_The young Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, who has been elected only a year ago, was questioned on his thoughts upon this matter and the fact that You-Know-Who is believed to be behind it all. He answered with no comment._

_However, are we about to feel the wrath of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Are the streets becoming unsafe for your children? Are more of these attacks going to appear in the future? _

_One thing is for sure—things are almost certainly never going to be the same again._

If the article had been about anything but what it is actually about, I would have laughed at the added drama the writer put in to make it more interesting. As if it's boring by itself!

I had been reading the article to myself. When I finish, I look up to Karly and Lexi who had finished the article at the exact moment I did. I can only guess the grim expression is evident on my face as well as theirs. This really can not be happening. I still don't believe it.

I look around the Great Hall to concern, worry, and fear. There's devastation written across the walls of the Great Hall. Except where the Slytherins are concerned. They're kicked back like nothing happened at all. I hang out with a few of the Slytherins and I know that if Liz had been at breakfast, she would have been devastated inside, but would have laughed it off. Liz never lets it show what she thought of what she's feeling. She always says that it's weak and it makes you readable, which she's firmly against being, as am I. Aside from wanting to be predictable, Liz hates people reading her like a book. She hates people knowing how she feels or what she's thinking. I'm almost the same exact way, although I haven't mastered the art of masking my eyes and hiding my emotions just yet. I'm still working on it.

I suppose I should have known that the Slytherins would act this way, however, I like to think the best of someone, despite their influence and their actions. Deep down, there must be good in everyone, mustn't there be? I suppose that all of the Slytherins taking enjoyment in this horrendous behavior of the Dark Lord have parents who are Death Eaters. On the other hand, this is not something I'm fond of thinking about. It really is a terrifying thought that the future Death Eaters are here, in my school, in Hogwarts, the safest place in the world, and there's nothing I can do about the future of them.

The person that makes me the angriest is Malfoy, who I've always despised, by the way, and who had just finished reading the article and simply laughs about it and high-fives his friends.

The Dark Lord strikes again and they express amusement at the muddle and disarray he's made.

Next to Malfoy, Christine looks uncomfortable as she forces a smile, trying desperately, (a little too desperately if you ask me) to conform to the others. It almost made me laugh. _She _chose Malfoy and now she had to face the consequences of being chums with wickedness. I would have laughed at her conformity too if it hadn't been for what I had just read.

I turned my attention back to my friends in disgust at what I had just witnessed from across the room. Lexi has tears galloping down her tanned cheeks. Her hands shake the newspaper in her tight grasp. I take her hand in mine and feel ridiculously idiotic at what I was missing that was literally right in front of my face.

"What's wrong, Lex?" I asked in the most pleasant voice I have ever used in my entire life. Who said I can't be nice?

"My—My My…" Sobs shake her entire body and she can't seem to speak because of the steady stream of tears leaking from her heartbreaking dark eyes. Her body moves in violent motions and the hiccups of sobbing have begun to overtake her, Karly steps in for Lexi and points to one of the pictures on the newspaper. Now I know and I couldn't feel any thicker. Tears finally start to well up in my eyes and I hate it. I hate crying; it's weak. So much for my mastering my emotions.

Lexi suddenly detaches herself from the table and my hand and sprints out of the Great Hall, tears still running down her already damp cheeks. I look at Karly whose eyes are damp also and I rub my misty eyes.

"Let me go after her," I say and Karly nods.

I follow Lexi out of the room and find her collapsed on some stairs. She couldn't have looked more pathetic and it breaks my heart to see her like this. I've tried so hard to protect her. Big surprise there, I've failed, again.

I sit beside Lexi and she leans into me, weeping. Lexi cries until she loses her breath, until she loses her voice. And all this time, I hold her, not knowing what to say, but feeling that I'd make the world, or just her world, come crashing down all at once if I say a word. But, really, what could someone say in this situation?

'It's going to be okay'? It most definitely is not going to be okay! Her family has just died!

'Are you okay'? Of course she's not okay! For one thing, she's crying like a two-year-old who scraped her knee and her parents were just murdered for no reason at all.

Nothing I can think of is the right thing to say and it makes me feel like crying because I can't help her. I've kept her sheltered and have protected her well for the longest time and now I've no clue what to do to protect her now. So, all I do is hold her, ruffle her hair, and wait for her to compose herself.

When Lexi stops crying, I can feel the weight of her leaning on me, meaning that Lexi had cried herself to sleep.

I try to figure out how to get Lexi back to our dormitory; I can't carry her because I'm a small girl. I'm only five feet tall at age fifteen. I've always liked being small until now.

As if a silent message has been sent out, James Potter rounds the corner and sees us immediately. Is he everywhere I go? I roll my eyes at him. He's going to be the savior and hold this over my head forever. Great.

"Do you need help Evans?" He asks.

"Not from you," I reply coldly. He laughs at me.

"I'm just trying to be nice. It's not only my charming looks that the girls swoon over."

"Well, why would you be nice to me?"

"I don't want to be nice to you. I just saw you struggling and being the gentleman that I am, I know it's my duty to help."

"I don't need any help from you."

"Fine, suit yourself," he says beginning to walk away. I try to pick up Lexi once again, but she falls on me, crushing me so that I couldn't breathe. I'm amazed she's still asleep at this point.

I lay there, Lexi on top of me, my breath starting to slow and I begin to get dizzy from lack of oxygen and loss of food.

"Potter!" I gasp out, but I can't see him and I know that he can't have heard me. "Potter!" I try louder. "James!" I struggle. I'm sure he hasn't heard me and I'm beginning to feel lightheaded and as if the world were spinning—the feelings before you pass out.

Just as my eyes close, I feel the weight being pulled off of me and I wonder if I've fainted. I hear faint talking and footsteps walking away. Then I feel someone's hand on mine and someone's breath on my face. I attempt to open my eyes, but they shut. I open them again, more determinedly this time and I succeed. Everything is blurry and distorted.

"Lily?" The creature sitting next to me says. My eyes close and I feel as if I'm slipping off again.

"No, Lily!" I feel two hands on my cheeks and I can tell the person has come nearer to me. He smells good.

My eyes flutter open and a blurry James Potter's face is inches away from mine. He smiles at me.

"You scared me," he says. It's the first nice thing he has ever said to me. I smile, but it comes out as a grimace.

"Thanks," I mutter, but it comes out like a few odd noises.

"Anytime," he says, still smiling. "I was really worried, you know. I thought you had fainted or something."

"Yeah… Where's Lex?" I asked.

"I woke her up and she went back to the common room."

"Thanks."

"Okay, you ready to stand up," he asks me. He doesn't make it sound like he's talking to a two-year-old either and I love it. He doesn't make me feel stupid or anything. It's nice.

Grabbing my hands with his, James lifts me to my feet. Almost immediately, my legs collapse underneath me and I start to fall. James slips his arms around my waist and pulls me into his arms. As soon as he is sure I can stand, he lets go of me. I'm somewhat disappointed that he does this and I don't know why. I guess I'm just not sure I can stand by myself.

"Do you need me to carry you?" James asks, smirking.

"You couldn't lift me."

"Wanna bet? It's not only my kindness and looks that girls swoon over." James puts his arms around me and lifts me into his arms easily. I look into his eyes. His eyes area deep hazel and they're beautiful. I can't seem to look away from his amazing eyes and I don't really want to. I didn't know he had such beautiful eyes. I want to stare into them forever.

Wait. What am I saying?

We stare at each other for a long time and I'm almost sure he wants to kiss me. However, he sets me back on the ground and I pretend that I don't care, straightening out my robes.

We then walk back to the common room, James keeping an eye on me. It made me feel good—knowing someone cared if I'm okay. I don't get that a lot, believe it or not.

"Is she okay?" James asks, breaking the silence. He steals a glance at me as if I won't notice. "What happened?"

"Well, I don't know if she wants you to know…" _But there's something so comfortable and trusting about you,_ my mind says, but I don't dare utter the words. "Her family was one of the ones killed in the attacks." I feel tears welling up… those damn emotions! I had been getting so good at controlling them and then something like this happens and messes my emotions up.

"Oh," James says quietly. "I'm sorry."

"It's just not fair. Why did her world have to come crumbling at her feet for her to feel guilty about a stupid fight they had before she left?" A tear crawled down my cheek.

We walk into the common room and all the girls really do "swoon" at the sight of James. I glared at them. They're all so stupid. James could do so much better.

_Like you?_

"Shut up," I mutter darkly.

"Thanks for all this," I say to him. I hate being on civil terms with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for his help, but now I feel like I owe him something.

"No problem," he replies, a smile forming on his handsome face. I did not just say that he's handsome.

_Yes you did!_

James appears to be racking his brain for something to say, just as I am, with his hands in his trouser pockets. However, Sirius calls him and James smiles and walks away. I walk up to find Lexi, giving no sign that I heard when Sirius called out to me.

Even though Hogwarts is the safest place anywhere, a lot of parents are concerned about the attacks. The fact that the writer to the_ Daily_ _Prophet_ implied that the streets are no longer safe, with the possibility of Voldemort sneaking stingingly around, many parents have sent letters to Dumbledore, complaining about the well-being of their children. As a result, children are being pulled out of school for a while to get thing sorted out. I think that's simply ludicrous, but it isn't my choice. I know they're just trying to protect their kids the best way they know how.

Of those leaving are James and Remus. Christine said she's going home, but I have a suspicion that she's really going home with Malfoy. I don't know why I'm mistrustful and I can't explain it at all. I guess I just think Malfoy wants to have sex with here where he knows he'll have her all to himself. I don't really know and I don't really want to.

Lexi has no where to go, so she's staying here and I have decided to stay to keep her company. Why go home if I'm not even wanted there?

Karly, as well, will be returning home for her parents are terribly concerned. I swear they worry about everything. Overprotective much?

Liz's parents want her to come home, but she refuses. She decides to stay without her parent's approval, and she doesn't care what anyone thinks about it.

I try to spend time with Sirius, but I feel that I should spend the time with Lexi because of her loss. I don't want Lexi to go through this alone. I've protected her for so long and now I don't know what to do to make this all better. I hate that I can't do anything to control the situation.

It seems as though the more time I spend away from Sirius, the harder I fall for him. I have a hinting suspicion that I fancy him, however, I detest the very thought. I know we're dating by the trips to Hogsmeade we spend together, but I don't want to mix business with pleasure. It's never serious with Sirius, and if things do get serious, I'll have to break it off. Hey, I'm only human and I don't want to get hurt. I don't need to get hurt. It would only kill my reputation and my self-esteem. I'm not really doing too well in either of those categories.

A few days into the break, I come up with a great idea of how I can spend the time with both Lexi and Sirius. Lexi and I decide to have a double date with Sirius and Lexi's current boyfriend, Brian. I'm nervous about the whole stupid idea, but at least I can spend time with Sirius and keep an eye on Lexi at the same time.

"Heeeeeyyyyy, Sirius," I say, coming into the armchair Sirius is sitting on. He's knee deep in an essay that I finished a week ago. I smirked at his slacker-ish ways.

"Mmmhmm," Sirius responds, not looking up from his work.

"How would you like to spend more time with lovely old me?"

"Hmm."

"Well, I was thinking that you, me, Lexi, and Brian should go to Hogsmeade tonight and…"

Sirius looks up at me.

"You mean like a double date?"

"Well, not really a double date, per say, just four people, two couples going on a date with each other and…" I paused, taking a breath after speaking so quickly. "Yeah, a double date. What do you think? I want to help Lexi as much as I can. She's not doing too well and I'm really worried about her. I just don't know what I can do for her." I sigh, and sit on a couch. Sirius sits next to me. I don't think Sirius would go for it. He's not really a date person; he's more of a shag-yourself-senseless kind of person.

"I know you're worried about her, but there's not much you can do but let her know you're there for her."

I nod and close my eyes. Sirius sighs.

"Fine, I'll go."

"You will? Yes! Just wait until I tell Lexi!" I smile and kiss him on the cheek. I start to get up, but Sirius pulls me back down.

"Wait," he says. I knew there had to be a catch. There's always a catch.

However, Sirius only tilted my chin up and kisses me. It was just soft and simple, and nice.

When Sirius pulls away, I smile and bite my bottom lip.

If this was the catch, I wouldn't mind being caught in it the entire day.

"I can tell her later," I say, Sirius pulling me back into a kiss. And I melted.

It seems as though Lexi and I have the entire dormitory to ourselves as we get ready for our date.

After Lexi forced me into unbearably tight pants, we walked down to the common room and each of us grabbed one of Sirius's arms and walked to meet Brian at the Great Hall.

"Hey, what are you doing with my girlfriend?" Brian asks jokingly. Lexi smiles and unhooks her arm from Sirius's to re-hook it to Brian's. I roll my eyes. Brian was nice, just kind of a dork. It's hilarious. Sirius nudges me as he sees me hiding a smile behind my hand.

"Ready to go?" I ask, coughing out a laugh.

Somehow along the way to Hogsmeade, Sirius ends up holding my hand, not that I mind. The two of us walk a little ahead of Lexi and her date for Sirius wants to talk to me about something. It seems that something has been bothering him for a while and I figure he's ready to talk to me about it. I hadn't come right out and asked him about it before because I knew he would tell me when he was ready. That's the way Sirius works. You kind of have to work with him or not at all. It's complicated.

"Um, Lily? I know you've heard the rumors about us and I'm sorry about them. I don't know who started them, and I hope you don't believe that I'm only with you 'until I can get a good lay out of you' or whatever crap you've been hearing."

"I haven't actually heard that one, but it's a good one to know." Sirius looks nervous when I say this. It makes me laugh. "I'm only kidding. You should know I don't believe them."

"I do, but… I'm glad you don't believe them. I really am sorry about them. It really gets on my nerve, hearing the weekly rumours about us. I can tell it makes you mad too."

Who are you, Sirius, to think you know what's going on with me or what I think? Yeah, the rumours do make me mad, but he doesn't have to read me as if I'm so predictable. I hate people reading me as if my life is an open book. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and he shouldn't assume so. I guess he doesn't know me well enough to know that about me.

There is a moment of silence before I speak about something that has been weighing on my mind recently.

"Um, Sirius? What do you consider us?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we do a lot of things that friends don't do. Like, we spend a lot of time together and go on dated, but if you don't consider them dates, then I don't either, and we--"

Sirius cuts me off by kissing me mid-sentence. This kiss was longer that the other ones we have shared and it's definitely more passionate. Only, this time I kiss Sirius back. He's taken by surprise and it amuses me. This is truly how you tease a boy. When he really gets into the kiss, I pull away, acting as if I think the kiss is over. Poor Sirius. He looks so disappointed. I leave him wanting more and I don't give it to him. This is beginning to be fun. Now I know why Liz always says it gives her a rush, because I can feel is coursing through my veins.

And I like it.

"And we do that," I say taking Sirius's hand again and continuing to walk. I can't help smiling as Sirius keeps staring at my lips. I know he wants to kiss me again. It's amusing to watch.

Sure, I love kissing him, but it's fun to tease him. Also, I really need to know what he considers us. I've been dying to know since he asked me on our first trip to Hogsmeade. Granted, I don't want my emotions to get in the way and that's why I know I have to tease him. I have to pretend to be his girlfriend, even though part of me likes it. I can't fall for him. I will only get hurt and I know it all too well.

Who am I kidding? I've already fallen hard for Sirius. I've fallen so hard that I'm sure I've been thrown down there. I've fallen so hard that I'm not sure if I'll be able to get up again.

Sirius takes both my hands in his and he kisses me quickly. I kiss him back, teasing him again. Only, now that I realize that Sirius has gotten me good, realize that Sirius has made me fall for him, it isn't so fun to tease him. I only want him to kiss me back.

"I consider us anything you want us to be," he says.

Yeah, it's corny, but it's cute in a kind of cliché way. It's far too 'nice boy' for me though. Girls like who I am around Liz, girls like who I really am don't go for nice guys. We don't like nice guys. "It's the nice ones you have to worry about," Liz says. "They'll always break your heart," she says, waving her alcohol at me. I'd take a swig of Firewhiskey and say, "I know. I won't fall for one. They're so not my type. I don't like nice goods." And here I am, falling heels over head for a nice guy. What is this fucked up world coming to when even a person like me can't keep their vows to not fancy a nice guy? When have I decided that I would go against my own word? When was I when I decided this?

Probably getting drunk.

That's what my mind tells me. I drink to get drunk; I get drunk to make all the shit fade, and it works. Most of the time.

Nonetheless, I smile, give Sirius's hand a squeeze, and keep on walking.

I've fallen hard; damn, rock bottom hurts like hell.

"Lexi, what's up?" I ask when she sits down.

Both boys have excused themselves to the restroom and Lexi takes Sirius's seat next to me with a worried expression on her face.

"Well, you may not want to hear this, but I saw Sirius and Chasity Muidoon together when I was walking back from the bathroom." Lexi looks up to see a scowl on my face. I don't know I'm scowling, but by the look on Lexi's face, I'm sure of it. "Lily, I'm sorr--"

"Yeah, well you should be," I say, cutting her off. "Why would you say something like that? You don't have to lie to me. I like Sirius and I know he would never do anything like that to me!" I don't realize that I'm shouting and everyone in the restaurant is staring at me. Tears form in Lexi's eyes, but I ignore them, running to the bathroom to calm myself down. I wipe away furious tears and want nothing but to hurt myself for being weak and vulnerable. It's sad and pathetic and I've tried so hard not to be.

Okay, so I overreacted. I didn't mean to. Can you blame me for being the biggest drama queen in the world?

Upon hearing voices up ahead where the restrooms are, I decide to listen in, because one of the voices is vaguely familiar. Peering around the corner, I see Sirius and Chasity.

Lexi has been telling the truth. Fuck, I'm such a little shit. And the award for the biggest dumb ass goes to…

"Sirius, why did you come here with that mudblood? I missed you," Chasity says, anger filling her voice.

She missed him? What the hell is going on? What does Chasity have to do with Sirius? She's a scrawny bitch that Liz has beat up on occasion and has pleasure doing so. What the hell does she want with Sirius?

"Muidoon, get it through your hair sprayed, bimbo head: I fancy Lily. I was drunk and you took advantage of me, and I don't like anything about you. I should have never gone to that party." His back is to me and Muidoon looks over his shoulder to see me looking around the corner. Her face lights up evilly.

"But, Sirius," she says walking towards Sirius, a pout on her face. "Wasn't it fun? Wasn't it a rush to cheat on her? You don't really want her or else you would have never done this to her. Remember all we had?"

"We had nothing! I don't want you! I hate everything about you!" Sirius says, raising his voice.

"You know you've wanted me all year. Just give in to that little voice in the back of your head that's begging you to fuck me."

With that, Muidoon lunges at Sirius, knocking him to the floor and they land, her on top of him. She smiles as Sirius glances over her shoulder and sees me standing there, tears in my eyes. I just can't believe this is happening. It's shock more than hurt. I thought something like this was going to happen, and that's why I didn't let myself get close to Sirius, but I fell for his anyway, knowing this would happen. And here it is happening right in front of my face.

"Lily, this isn't what it looks like! I can explain--" Sirius says, but I gladly cut him off, sick of hearing his bullshit.

"Explain how you went behind my back with this… this whore? Explain how I trusted you and you went behind my back with this slut? Or explain how the rumors were true and because I wouldn't give you sex, you slept around? Take your pick." My voice is strong despite the tears that were clouding my vision. I refuse to let him know that he had made me cry, even though the lump in my throat was getting bigger and my head was throbbing from trying to prevent myself from crying. I would _not_ be weak in front of him.

Chasity smirks at me. She's such a bitch. From what I heard, Sirius doesn't want her either, so what does she have to be happy about? That Sirius is treating her like shit? Oh, yeah, she's probably used to it by now, being the Slytherin whore she is. I hope she likes who she is, I really do.

"Aww, poor little mudblood." I wince at the name. "Too bad you weren't good enough for Sirius. Take my advice, dear, aim lower."

She pushes past me to walk away, but I put my foot out and trip her.

"That low enough for you?" I ask, smiling at how awesome this is. "By the way," I continue. "I think I've owed you this for a long time."

I grab her by the hair and punch her in the face.

"Fuck you," I say, spiting on her cowering body that is lying on the floor.

"And you," I say turning to Sirius. He looks into my eyes and I know he could see right down into my heart and I hate it. I try to make myself unreadable, but my head hurts too much. The thing is, I'm not mad, just hurt, and I know Sirius can see that. I'm just so hurt and tired of being hurt. It hurt me physically. The throbbing in my head made me want to puke my guts out and I needed to. "Don't you ever fucking touch me again. You were exactly who I thought you were, and that's really sad," I say coldly, looking Sirius in the eyes, wanting so desperately to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I walk away, head held high, but finally allowing tears to fall freely because Sirius can't see my face anymore.

I run.

I run until I'm breathless and bawling and dying. I want to breathe, but I need to die. I collapse by the lake. I try to reassure myself. Nothing works.

I can't believe this has happened to me. Almost bad-ass, not quite alcoholic, not one bit prefect (although my badge tends to differ) Lily Evans falling for handsome, rich, popular, good-guy Sirius Black. It's like a bad fairy tale. I'd pay to see my life on screen.

I finally stand and walk into the castle. I collapse against a wall. Trying not to cry is making me dizzy, exhausted, and feeling as if I'm about to throw up.

I stand a little later and stumble into a room, glad to see that it's the bathroom. I quickly stagger into a stall and threw up everything I had eaten in the past two days, which isn't much, mind you.

After flushing, I sit on the ground, curled into a ball, holding myself and I'm left with my thoughts. It's never a good idea for me to be left with them because I always do something bad. I feel an unusual discomfort and notice that my sleeves somehow became rolled up. I run my hands against the scars that run down my wrists. This is the result of me being left with my thoughts, but I'm not about to tell my life story.

I'm so stupid, is the only thing I could think at the time. I breathe in deeply and it comes as a shaky, unstable breath.

I may have even loved him…

How can I have not believed Lexi? She has always been so honest to me. God, I'm so stupid. This is all she needs, too, for me to yell at her when she's just trying to be a good friend. What have I done? She could do something horrible and now it's all my fault. Her parents are killed and I yell at her for being my friend. Great job, Lily. You're the best friend ever.

I wobble out of the bathroom and look around. I know where I am. I'm by the prefect bathroom. Knowing this is one of the many places Liz goes to either think or fuck. I know that she'll be there tonight. She has her nightly thinking sessions where she'll smoke and occasionally drink as little.

I wipe my eyes and tell the portrait the password. I step in and half smile at the scene I witness.

"Oh my fucking God," Liz yells, smiling. She just happens to be wearing only a skirt and a bra, on top of a boy who was only wearing boxers. She blushes and laughs as she stands up. I recognize the boy as Christine's brother. Congrats, Liz. You finally fucked him.

"Oh my god, honey. What's the matter?" She asks me. She can be a sweetheart when she wants to. I shake my head, looking at Charley, who is looking at the ground, embarrassed.

"You're too busy," I mutter, tears still rolling down my cheeks.

"I'm never too busy for you, love," she says and I try to smile for her.

"Charley," She calls, walking to the boy.

I have to admit, he's breathtaking. He has Christine's amazing eyes, but has long shaggy blonde hair and dimples on the sides of his cheeks when he talks and smiles. I'm taken aback and the only thing I can think is, God, he's fucking beautiful.

"Charley, I'm really sorry. This is my best friend, Lily, and well, she's kind of in a crisis. I'm sure you can understand about friends. I promise that I'll see you some other time. Say, next Friday, same time?" Liz says, pouting with her eyes. Charley is enchanted by her. He is under her spell and will do anything to get anything from her, even if it's just a kiss on the cheek. Liz draws her finger down Char's chest and then back up again, stroking his chin gently. It's as if I'm taking a class as I learn from her.

Charley licks his lips, staring at hers. I know he wants nothing more that to do anything with her. It has taken Liz longer to sleep with Charley than is has any other guy and I know she likes a challenge. But, I also know she likes Charley as more than just someone to fuck with. She likes him as a person and I wonder is she's going to date him. It's very rare that she finds someone worthy of her dating standards, because she doesn't waste time with guys she can't feel anything with.

"S-sure," he replies, wishing he could have sex with her sooner. He probably viewed it as making love. Me, it was always just fucking, not love. I smile watching Liz at work.

"Good. Until then, this should tide you over," she replies, whispering. She looks him in the eyes before kissing him softly. She lets him kiss her back, but pulls away quickly. It looks as if she's going to kiss him again, but she kisses his cheek instead and waves to him as he collects his clothes and tries to put them on before someone sees him.

As the portrait closes, Liz sits on the couch she almost fucked Char on and lights a cigarette. After smoking half of it, she pats the place beside her and finally speaks to me.

"Now, what's up?"

I almost immediately blurt out the whole story and by the end of it, my head is in Liz's lap, she is stroking my hair, and hot tears stream down my cheeks, exploding once they hit the ground.

"I can't believe it! Sirius seemed the complete opposite of what I thought he was, but I was wrong. He was exactly the opposite of who he made me believe he was and I know it's sad that I've fallen for his act. I didn't mean to. I had just meant to play with him and I didn't realize I was falling for him along the way. I knew I would get hurt if I fell for him, but I fell for him anyway. I hate myself. I'm such a shit. I think I might have loved him, Liz!"

"Shh, I know. I know if hurts. I don't blame you. It's not your fault you fell for him. You can't control who you fall for, I know that too well. But hating yourself doesn't do anything. Remember last year? Remember cutting? You don't want that again, I know. I know better than anyone. I know it hurts and I know it's going to hurt for a long time, but you'll get over it. I know you will. You're strong. Sirius is an asshole if he doesn't realize how amazing you are. I told you Gryffindors are bad news. Listen, I know how hard it is to mix business with pleasure. I couldn't help mixing the two either."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she replies, smiling. "Second year. His name was Aaron Anderson and I was in love with him. Of course, he transferred schools, but that's a different story.

"I know it hurts and it feels like all you want to do is hurt yourself because you think you're stupid, but you weren't. Even I, an expert, have faults when it comes to playing this game. This guy Charley? I think I really fancy him and it scares me, but I think he and I may have something so I'm willing to go for it. Of course, he's a Slytherin, which pretty much guarantees I'm going to get hurt, but I'm willing to risk that.

"Lils, it wasn't bad that you fell for him. It was human. If we didn't fall for people like this, well, we wouldn't be human. You're absolutely beautiful, breathtaking, and amazing and if this bastard can't see that you're better off without him. _I_ love you, even if you make mistakes."

"Thanks, Liz," I mutter out, still crying. "God! I can't stop crying! This is so fucking weak!"

Liz pulls me towards her, squeezing me in one of her signature hugs. I smile at feel warm all over. Hugs do that to you.

"Fuck, Lily! When the hell is the last time you've eaten?" Liz asks. She shows her concern in an odd way, but you know she cares. "What the fuck are you, anorexic? Don't starve yourself, babe. You don't need it, believe me. You have always been the skinniest thing in the world. Just eat, okay? Don't starve yourself please."

"I don't," I tell her, honestly. "I eat. I usually have an apple for breakfast."

"An apple? That's all you eat?"

"No, I sometimes have something small for dinner too. It's this new diet I made up and it really works."

I close my eyes and can't help going over the details of the night.

I know I'm all alone now. And to be completely honest, I know that it flat out sucks.

Liz goes back to stroking my hair, but I can tell by the way she's stroking it that she doesn't believe me about the eating thing. I can actually care less. I know I'm eating and that's all that matters to me.

The last thought that goes through my mind before the tiredness knocks me out is: all I have is myself and I don't trust me in my own hands.

God, I'm overdramatic.

**Author's Note-I'm sorry that this took so long to update! I've been really busy and everything. I just bought a car, (yes, I'm only 16) and I've been working like crazy to pay for it, but recently I broke my foot so I have a lot of time to write now! Next chapter that I will be posting, hopefully this week, will be of Masked Denial, so everyone look for updates on that one at the end of the week! Thank you so much for reviewing and keep reading and reviewing. I'm out for 6 weeks with my foot, so if MD isn't posted this week, definately next week, I promise.**

**xDreamerx**


	4. Be You Everyone Good is Taken

**Chapter 4-Be you; Everyone Good is Already Taken**

_"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, it'll up the ride. Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright. Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."_

_-----The song for this chapter is __**The Middle**__ by Jimmy Eat World._

It's a strange feeling to wake of one's own accord. So, when I awake the next morning, I blink at the ceiling, wondering what the hell is going on.

Then, all the events of last night come flooding back to me. I feel nothing less than dreadful, but I'll live; I've felt worse.

I push off my blankets, but stay in bed.

Perfect. I had fallen asleep in my clothes. This is really all I need right now. Great morning! I'm having the time of my life, really. I'm stupid, a jerk to my best friend, and things can't get any worse.

Then it hits me.

I didn't go to bed last night.

I look around, and sure enough, I'm in the prefect bathroom. Liz must have draped a blanket over me before heading off to her own bed.

I look at my carefully picked out clothes from last night. My sweater is strangling me in some odd fashion and my pants are digging into my hips, causing very red, very painful marks there. I don't look so beautiful anymore. With a sigh, I stand.

It's 11:30 and I know no one is in the dormitory, even though it's Saturday. That's just the way it is. People have better things to do on a Saturday. Except me. I never have anything better to do, especially now that I've treated my best friends like something I've run over.

Groaning, I head to the dormitory to take a much needed shower.

* * *

I can't eat. I'm so depressed that I'm not really hungry. I threw up last night; I remember that much, and I know that my stomach is completely empty, but it doesn't really matter. I can't feel the gnawing hunger that usually stabs at my stomach, and if I could feel it, I know that I wouldn't care. Bitches like me don't deserve to eat.

Looking in the mirror after getting ready, I know I look as horrible as I feel. I don't even have the strength to make a face at my current state. I se the faint glimmer of a sneer, but it's gone in an instant.

My pale face looks even paler and lifeless, my red mass of hair has lost its bounce, and the spark that's usually found in my emerald eyes is gone, leaving me dull and listless.

I can't really see the point in doing anything. I just don't _feel _like doing anything. I wrap my fragile body in a thick coat and walk outside into the brisk November day.

A light breeze drifts by me and I pull my coat tighter around my steadily thinning frame. I slowly walk over to my favorite tree by the glimmering lake, but I know that I don't deserve to look at something as beautiful as this day. I don't deserve anything except maybe to die. It's not like anyone will notice. The thought seems so tempting and so right.

I sit down on the cold earth and wipe away the tear that starts to run down my cheek. Merlin, how weak am I? Honestly! I feel ridiculous for crying about anything. It makes me feel so weak and I know that crying doesn't solve anything; shedding tears won't fix my problems. I just need to cry. The tears seemed to comfort me as much as a knife usually does.

"Lily?"

The sound of my name being called makes me jump. I turn to see James standing there. Merlin, I thought he hated me. This is just what I need—pity. Especially from James Potter.

"Didn't you go home?" I ask James as he sits down next to me. I quickly wipe my eyes, refusing to cry, especially in front of someone, namely James.

"Well my family finally came to their senses and realized that the safest place for me was the place I just left. Right here with my friends."

I smile sadly, looking at the ground and I know that this has made James feel like he's said the wrong thing. I can see it plainly in his eyes. He has to be one of the easiest people to read.

"So, what happened while I was gone?" He asks.

For some unknown reason, the sincerity in James's voice makes me blurt out the entire failure of last night, without meaning to—everything with the date, Lexi, Chasity, and Sirius. I don't happen to mention Liz or Charlie, but I figure it's okay to leave that out. It isn't vital to the plot line of my story.

"…And I don't know what to do!" I conclude. Tears were now cascading down my irregularly pale cheeks. I wipe them away angrily and try to prevent them from sliding down any further. He must think I'm retarded. Though, it isn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be—talking to James about the shit currently in my life. "I don't even know why I'm crying right now!"

James doesn't say anything, but he does put his arm around me in a soothing manner. It's weird, sitting here, pouring my heart out to James Potter while he holds me. It's almost so ironic that I want to laugh, but it only makes me cry harder. This fucking sucks!

"Lily, sometimes it's okay to cry. I even cry sometimes," he tells me.

"Yeah, I'm sure James Potter sits around the fireplace with a pint of _Ben and Jerry's_ and bawls his eyes out."

"Ben and who?"

* * *

I absolutely refuse to go to dinner tonight. I haven't eaten all day, and I know James is concerned about me. It's weird. Someone is worried about _me_ for the first time. It's an odd feeling and I'm not sure I like it.

When I was telling my story of the pervious night, I had mentioned throwing up, but James isn't for certain how much I had thrown up and I can tell that it concerns him. I don't know why. I haven't been eating much and considering what I used to be like… Then again he doesn't know I was that way.

"You have to eat!" James tells me.

"No, I'm not hungry!" I argue. Everyone tells me I'd argue with a brick wall. I really would too.

"Fine, come on," he says, dragging me in the direction he is heading towards.

"Where are we going?"

"To the kitchens for food. Where else?" I roll my eyes, but can't really free my arm from James's, so I have no choice but to allow myself to be yanked to the kitchens.

Somewhere along the way to the kitchens, James lets go of me and I walk beside him, bringing up the subject of Quidditch. We're still talking about the famous sport by the time we reach the portrait.

James tickles the pear and he laughs quietly, watching it squirm. The pear becomes a handle and James opens it, revealing the Hogwarts kitchen.

"James Potter, sir," many house elves say as James walks in.

"Popular amongst the elves?" I say, smirking at James.

"Yeah, well, I get hungry a lot," James replies.

The two of us find stools to sit on and six house elves bring platters of food. I laugh, but refuse any food.

"Lily!"

"What?"

"You have to eat!"

"I'm not hungry! I told you before!"

The house elves look back and forth between our faces as we argue.

"Lily, you're starving yourself! This isn't healthy! I won't let you do this." I just laugh at James. James glares back at me. "This isn't funny." Personally, I think it's hilarious. James Potter, my formal enemy is concerned about my well being. It's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. Of course, I can't tell him that's why I'm laughing, so I lie.

"No! I'm sorry. It wasn't that. You just looked so funny!" I fall off my stool, collapsing in a fit of laughter.

"Yeah, real funny," James says, rolling his eyes at me.

* * *

After we eat, actually James eats, we decided to walk outside.

The pitch black sky is dotted with millions of stars, as we walk to my favorite tree and sit down under it.

"James?" James looks up from the pond he has been gazing at, deep in thought. I feel like being sappy and corny, and though I'll frown upon this later, I know I have to say what I'm about to say out loud. There's a cliché side of me that's dying to get out, even for just a minute. I need to say this, because I know I can't really hold it in any longer.

"Do you ever wonder what it's like to, I don't know, not be you? Have you ever wished for one minute, you could be someone, anyone else?" James doesn't say anything, only listens to me contently. "I do. All the time. I mean, with everything… my family problems… friends… I just wish I could be anyone else for a minute and get this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I could leave behind all my problems and not be me. I could have things easy, not that things are terribly difficult for me, but, it's just that sometimes things are… I just wish I could leave; and leave behind everything I've been through. I wish I could go away and never have to deal with any of the problems I deal with now. I wish it could be easy…" I know my eyes are shining with tears and even though it's weak, I don't care for this one moment in time. "I wish I could fly away."

* * *

I awake the next morning with every intention to make everything right with Lexi and me.

I got ready quicker than I ever have and rush down to the Great Hall. I spot my friends and sit with them; Christine is at the Slytherin table again. No surprise there. I laugh at it, but then stop myself immediately because no one knows why I'm laughing and Lexi probably thinks I'm laughing at her or something. I don't really want her to think that.

"Hey guys," I say hesitantly.

Karly looks up at me and then at Lexi who's eating slowly, staring at the table, not even looking as if she's there physically and mentally. Karly looks back at me.

"Hi, Lily," she says quietly, not knowing what's going on between her two best friends.

"Lexi, I'm so sorry. I should have believed you. I was so _stupid_. I guess I was just so deep into my little world with Sirius that I couldn't realize it myself. I saw them together that night… I'm just so sorry, and I hope you can forgive my stupidity. I feel worse that in this hard time, I should be helping you and looking out for you and being a good friend, and I wasn't doing any of those. I'm really sorry."

Lexi looks up as if snapped out of a dream and there's the faint outline of a smile on her unusually lifeless face. She's been this way ever since her parents had been murdered and it's a relief to see the closest thing to a smile of her face. I feel horrible that for the first time, I can't make it okay; I can't make it all go away; I can't protect her and I know that I probably won't be able to anymore. I just have to live with it and let her take care of herself. I know she's a big girl, but I can't bear to see her hurt.

I smile back full force and Lexi looks back down at her breakfast, eating slowly, off in her own world once again.

* * *

"Wait, guys. I have to put my bag away," I tell my fellow Gryffindors after breakfast. There's a Gryffindor verses Slytherin game in a few minutes and they're _not_ going to miss it.

"Lily!" Karly says exasperatedly. She's obsessed with Quidditch; more obsessed than I am!

"Okay, fine. I'll just meet you out there, okay? Save me a seat."

"See you out there!" Karly and Lexi walk out the door as I walk in the opposite direction, rushing so that I won't miss the game. I'll hate myself if I miss the beginning.

As I walk back to the Gryffindor tower, someone unexpected corners me and it scares the crap out of me.

"Lily?" I turn around and the smile melts off my face when I see that it's Sirius that has called my name. He's wearing his Red Gryffindor Quidditch robes as he's one of the Gryffindor beaters.

"Yes?" I reply, an annoyed expression upon my face. I hate him, but I can still be civil to him.

"Look, I know you hate me for what I did and I don't blame you. I was a total asshole. I would do anything, _anything_ to go back and change what I did, but we both know I don't have a time-turner. Merlin, I'm such an idiot." He sits down on the floor at this moment and I look at him a minute before sitting down next to him. "Lily, I really hate myself. I never meant for you to find out about Chasity."

"Of course you wouldn't. Hence the phrase 'sneaking around behind my back'," I reply coldly.

"I know. I never had anything with that slut. Here's my side of the story: I was at this party and I got drunk. The next thing I know, I'm lying in bed with a major hangover and an owl from that Slytherin whore saying how she had 'really enjoyed last night.' I didn't even know what happened. I'm so sorry and I'm willing to do anything to get your trust back," Sirius finishes and looks up, trying to read my expression. I'm glad to see that he can't. I can finally mask my eyes!

It's not that I'm mad; I'm not even hurt anymore. I'm nothing. My eyes are dull and lifeless, emotionally dead, and so heartbroken that I'm numb. I feel a sudden pain in my forearm and rub it, feeling the coarse, fresh scabs, and almost smiling at the soft pain that shoots up my entire arm.

"You hurt me, Sirius. I fell so hard for you and you hurt me." I look straight ahead, showing no emotion. "You know, I didn't want to start anything with you. I didn't want to get involved with you because of your reputation. It sounds so bad, putting it that way, but it's the honest truth. You were known as such a player and I'm not into that. I didn't want to get hurt.

"But then we hung out and talked and you totally didn't seem who I thought you were, who your reputation said you were. Then I was more cautious than ever because I thought it was all an act. I still didn't want to get hurt. When you asked me out the first time, I had to really think about it before I agreed. I really liked you, and promised myself that if I did have something with you, I'd take it slow. I thought I was being so careful to not get hurt, but I guess I was wrong again. You really weren't who I thought you were."

I fell for you, Sirius, I want to say.

I fell for you and you killed me. You broke my heart… there's nothing you can do to fix this now.

"I guess there's nothing you can do," I say, still not looking at him. "Nothing will be able to fix this."

"I'm sorry," Sirius says with such a serious look on his face that I almost laugh. Then I remember that this is the same look he wore when I caught him and Chasity. I wince and close my eyes.

"Me too."

"Lily, I don't want things to be like this. I lo-like you, Lily. More than you'll ever know. I know nothing I can ever do or say can change what I did or take any pain away. I need you to know that I'm sorry for going to that party and getting drunk. I didn't mean to get drunk and I definitely don't want anything with that slut. I just didn't know what I was doing. If I did, I swear to you that I wouldn't have done anything with her. I was never with her and you have to believe me. I tried so desperately for you not to find out, but there was nothing really to find out. I'm so, so sorry, Lily. I know that nothing can change what I did, but you've got to believe me that I didn't mean to." There is a moment of silence and I look at the floor.

"I really don't think we work out as a couple," Sirius continues. I close my eyes again, stinging at his words. "I can't bear to hurt you anymore, and I know I will. I can't handle it if I let you down again and I think I will. I… I want to be your friend, Lily. Can we be friends? I know it'll take a while, but can we try?" I nod reluctantly. I hate being friends with my exes. It's always too awkward and I really loathe it. "Great. I've got a match in a second. You still want to cheer for us, right?"

"Of course," I say, forcing a smile. I'm getting so good at lying. Sirius smiles and he heads towards the doors.

"Are you going to be okay?" He asks. I roll my eyes.

"Of course," I reply, almost giving him a dirty look. It isn't as if my world has ended. He can be such an asshole sometimes.

"Just making sure. I don't have to be a jerk all of the time. I'll see you," he says and I nod.

"I love you, Sirius…" I whisper as soon as Sirius steps outside. "But I don't want to." I close my eyes again, and this time tears escape my eyes, but I brush them away hastily and head to the Gryffindor Tower, hating everything about Sirius from his smile to the way his hair falls beautifully in his eyes.

* * *

I arrive at the game, putting on a false cheery smile. I don't want to appear that something's wrong. I've never been good with emotions and know I'm not. I spot Karly and Lexi and sit down between them.

"What took you so long?" Lexi asks me as soon as I sit down.

"I had a _serious_ talk," I whisper so only Karly and Lexi can hear.

They both know most of the details of my relationship with Sirius. There are some things I choose to keep to myself, but for the most part Lexi and Karly know the facts. I sigh and decide that I won't discuss what just happened until Karly, Lexi and I were alone.

"What's the score?" I ask.

"We're down by fifty," Karly says.

"WHAT?" I shout so loud that other people turn to see what it's all about. I laugh, but don't blush. I _don't_ blush; I just don't.

"I know. We're not doing too well," Lexi says.

Playing with the Slytherins is always risky. They'll always find some way to scrape past or even break the rules, and this game is no exception. It's almost funny. I think the meanest things are funny and the fact alone is hilarious. At least, I think it is.

"Gryffindor in possession," the announcer, Grant Shultz, shouts above all the screams of the audience. "Abbot passes to Potter. Potter scores! Ten points to Gryffindor!"

I cheer along with the many other Gryffindor fans.

"Slytherin with the Quaffle," I hear. "Ferson passes to Malfoy. Malfoy misses! But keeps the Quaffle. Chase flies past the other players with the Quaffle. Hey! Penalty to Harley!"

It's safe to say that Rose Harley is one of the Slytherin whores. She's gorgeous and uses her body for people like Lucius Malfoy to get what they want, only to be tossed aside the next day. Except for the fact that Lucius Malfoy is dating Christine and in love with Liz. He's been in love with Liz since the fist time he saw her.

Harley had just hit a Bulger purposely and smirked as it hit Wesley Daniels, the Gryffindor keeper, in the back of his head. Madam Hooch didn't even notice the foul though. She's too busy telling off some other students for sending green sparks from their wands, celebration Slytherin fouls.

And it is so like Slytherins to celebrate the breaking of rules.

We're losing horribly and I'm starting to get frustrated.

"Anyway, Gryffindor needs to catch the snitch in order to win this game. And I think, yes, Jane Carlson sees the snitch. I've asked Jane, but she refuses to go out with me. I can't even see why. Come on, Jane. There's a Hogsmeade coming up!"

Jane rolls her eyes quite exaggeratedly, shouting something foul towards the announcer, but the wind carries the sound away.

"Okay, sorry professor, just trying to lighten up the game!" Professor McGonagall begins to tell off Grant. "Back to the game. My goodness, Professor. Always getting off topic. As I was _trying_ to say, Jane, who won't go out with me, Carlson is diving for the snitch, Jake Gerlman neck to neck with her. I see the snitch! Only a few feet in front of them. They both reach and—whoa!" Grant, who is a fifth year Ravenclaw has fallen backwards on his chair. He curses loudly, his magically magnified voice echoing through the stadium. I almost fall over in laughter.

"Sorry, professor. And, Carlson catches the snitch! And would you look at that! She still looks beautiful with her hair all messed up! Gryffindor wins!" Applause erupts through the field and the Slytherins boo, identical scowls on each of their faces as they shout offensive things to the members of the Gryffindor team.

There was a party held that night in the Gryffindor Tower for our victory. Everyone in school seems to be invited to this secret party; everyone except the Slytherins. Of course, James had the idea to invite them in mock humor, but decided against it in the end.

I enter the common room for the party that night and James beckons me over to him immediately.

"Great game out there," I say. James looks at me and smiles.

"Thanks."

There's the _Witches Wireless Network_ being broadcasted over the sound of the students shouting to each other in attempt to make conversation. Of course, the tower has a silencing charm around it so that we won't be caught throwing this party. It's brilliant, really; the first real party to be thrown at Hogwarts. Granted, there have been attempts, but the Marauders have actually pulled it off and have pretty big heads about it. They're such prats.

"Thirsty?" James asks, shouting over the music. I just nod, not believing I have the voice to shout over the private loudness of the Gryffindor Tower.

James hands me a clear colored drink.

"Firewhiskey," he told me. I look at him somewhat shocked at the fact that James would be a drinker. He had never seemed the type. James drags me off to the corner where it's quieter, thinking I've never drunken before. I'm practically an alcoholic! Come on, James! Keep up! "Lily, I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to. You don't have to drink this. I can get you a butterbeer if you want."

I guess that because James and I are getting so close, he might as well know the real me.

"Oh, I've had drinks before," I told him. "A lot, actually. I'm just surprised that you, of all people, would drink. I would have never thought you were the type and I'm shocked, really."

James looks embarrassed at not knowing that I'm a drinker and the way he's seen around the school. He really isn't the type to drink and I think it's funny that he does.

I grab the drink from his hand, smirking at him and chugging it down. Ever since the last time I got drunk, I've needed to drink. And I drink to get drunk, so that's exactly what I'll do tonight.

By one in the morning, I know I'm the life of the party. I'm dancing with everyone and drinking more than anyone here. A slow song comes on and I grab James, pulling him into a messed up sort of slow dance. My arms around James's neck seem to be the only thing holding me up, with the exception of James's hand on my waist, which balances me and keeps me standing.

"Lily, I'm glad you came. You could have said this was against the rules and shut it all down, but you didn't and that was really… really cool of you," James tells me, smiling.

"You don't know the real me then! I hate my prefect badge! I'm practically an alcoholic! I like painkillers… and fire… and knives…"

What the hell was I doing? The thing about when you get drunk is that it's like a truth potion—you tell the truth about pretty much everything, especially the things you don't want people to know.

I laugh and James looks at me, shocked at the new information he's just received. I know that he probably doesn't believe it, but it's just the fact that I said it that's shocking me.

I can't stop laughing. Then, suddenly, I stop for a minute, stare at James with a weird expression on my face and faint in his arms.

I'm black out drunk.

And the funny thing is that I've never been black out drunk, even as much as I drink.

The even funnier thing? The next morning I wake up in James's bed, thinking we've fucked.

**Author's Note:** So, I posted this week like I promised! I'm a woman of my word! Anyways, thanks for reading, as always, and I hope you enjoy how messed up Lily's life is. She's a good girl at heart, but bad on the outside. A girl after my own heart! So, thanks to those who reviewed:

xX-Ashi-Xx--Thanks! You were my only reviewer for last chapter, so I thank you from the bottom

of my heart! Um, keep reading and I hope you won't boycott Lily when she needs you the most!

Thanks to other loyal reviewers and keep reading! Next week Two Twisted Teens. I promise.

I'm going to start writing it right now. (I have nothing better to do on a friday night, being confined

to my room!) Keep reading and reviewing!


	5. Black Is My Favorite Color

**Chapter 5—Black Is My Favorite Color**

I awake the next morning in fairly familiar surroundings. I lay in a bed that, I can tell by the way it feels, is not my own. The blankets are crimson and the curtains around this bed are gold. In the Gryffindor girls' dormitory, the blankets are gold and the curtains are crimson. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to put two and two together.

So, I quickly realize that I'm in Gryffindor territory and figure out almost instantly that I'm in the boys' dormitory.

I sit up quickly, immediately wishing I hadn't. My head aches something awful and my stomach churns under blankets that aren't mine. This has to be the worst hangover I've ever had. No, there was that one time I had gone to the fair with some friends and the guy I was trying to hook up with, the summer after fourth year… that one was funny. I had the worst hangover and that had to be one of the worst days. It's funny remembering it now.

The curtains open with a rustle to reveal James Potter. He is holding a glass of water and what looks like muggle pills. James sits down on the bed next to me and performs a silencing charm around the bed. Oh my god. If James is coming to this bed, if he knows I had fallen asleep in this bed… No, it can't be, I had been drunk, but James wouldn't have…

I practically hyperventilate.

"Everyone else is still sleeping." James hands me the water. "How are you feeling?" I groan, but not because of what he says. Because… James can't have… he wouldn't have… But, he looks so happy…

"Uh, yeah, J-James?" It's weird, calling him by his first name. "Did we, um, you know, last night?"

"What are you talking about?" James asks innocently. Damn it. Aren't Marauders supposed to be perverted? He should pick up on what I'm trying to say!

"Did we or did we not fuck last night?" I ask, getting pissed off. James smiles, looking astonished. He laughs.

What the hell? I'm curious! From where I stand, it looks like he took advantage of me the previous night.

"What?!" I snap. He stops smiling.

"Nothing. It was funny." He laughs again.

"Answer the damn question!"

"No, we did not 'fuck,' as you put it," James replies, no longer smiling. I wish he would. His seriousness makes me uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," I say, a confused expression on my face. "I didn't mean… It just seemed like…"

"It's okay. So, do you have a hangover, Miss Excellent Drinker?"

"Hey, I never said I was a good drinker. I can't hold my drinks, I know that. I get drunk after, like, two drinks. So sue me." James gives me a weird expression. "Never mind. Anyway, my throat, head, and stomach hurt. And I'm going to throw up. Are those pills for me?"

I laugh at myself.

James looks at me as if I just admitted my undying love for Filch, and then hands me the pills. I smile. I like pills.

"Here," he says. "This'll help. It's muggle medicine. I always carry some with me for hangovers. No magic I know can heal them, and I'm not about to go visit Madame Pomfrey for some help." I laugh. As soon as I gulp down the pills and water I lie back down.

"Thanks," I say, with my eyes closed. "God, I hate hangovers. Liz taught me how to avoid a hangover in the morning. You see, what you've got to do is…" I know I trail off and before I finish the sentence, I have fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

The long month of November slips by into the chilly one of December. Snow is constantly falling and frosting the magnificent castle of Hogwarts. It is like being in a snow globe and I love every minute of it.

I wake up towards lunch Saturday the fifteenth. Like every day, I was the last to awake and the last in the dormitory. I stand up watch as my bed magically makes itself, as it does every morning. I smile slightly and can't help appreciating the simple things that magic does.

Hearing footsteps coming upstairs, I turn around.

"Oh, good, you're up," Karly walks up, snowflakes visible in her pale hair. "There's a bloody brilliant snowball fight going on between the houses. You _have_ to come! We _need_ you!"

"Okay, I'll be down in a few minutes," I reply, giggling.

* * *

When I finally arrive outside, an hour later, the fight is over.

"Lily! You missed the fight! We lost!" Lexi is running over to me.

"Sorry, I had to get ready."

"It's okay. No big deal." Lexi's current boyfriend, Brian, approaches us. "Hey!" She says to him. He kisses her cheek.

"Hey, Lily," Brian says to me.

"How's it going Brian?"

"Pretty good, can't complain." He turns back to Lexi. "Ready to go?"

"Go? Go where?" I ask, a panicked look evident on my face. Who am I going to spend the day with if Lexi is going to be with Brian?

"Oh, Lily, I'm sorry. I promised Brian I'd go to Hogsmeade with him today. But I can cancel if you want to hang out…"

"No, it's okay. Go with him. Have a wonderful time." I try to put on a fake smile, but I know my word choice comes off nasty and rude. I swallow and manage a real smile.

"Are you sure? You can come with us if you want." I shake my head. As much as I love both Lexi and Brian, I will not be a third wheel on their date. I won't tag along like a lost little puppy. That is low and ridiculous.

"Okay, if you're sure? Well, I'll see you when we get back?" Lexi asks, looking worried.

"Of course." Lexi and Brian walk away.

"Is she going to be okay?" I hear Brian ask Lexi.

"I hope so," Lexi replies, looking over her shoulder at me.

I hope so, too.

* * *

I walk around the Hogwarts grounds looking for someone to spend the day with. I can't stand being by myself. It's a problem I've developed fairly recently. I like to be either completely alone, or surrounded by a lot of people. I have always loved to be surrounded by people, and I have some sort of problem being by myself. I'm sick of being alone now. Being alone with my thoughts is never safe. _Never_.

Unsurprisingly, Christine is spending the day with Malfoy. They're still dating, which it very odd because Malfoy never dates anyone longer than a month and it's obvious that he is still in love with Liz. I'm suspicious, but I know that I don't know anything about what goes on between Christine and Malfoy, so I really shouldn't be saying anything about which I knew nothing of. However, that has never stopped me in the past. This time… I just feel like I should leave it alone, unless it becomes a real problem.

Karly is spending the day with the boy she is currently seeing. She never usually likes to talk about that sort of thing, so she didn't tell me they were seeing each other—I just saw them together and figured it out. I don't want to say that she's a prude, because that would be mean, but she kind of is—at least, compared to me. I bet to her, I'm a slut, though. I hope she doesn't see me that way. Anyway, my point is, she likes to take things slow, which is perfectly fine, and I really respect her for that. She has her own way of taking things and I think it's because she doesn't want to get hurt. If you don't kiss someone, you can't miss the feeling of their lips on yours; if you don't put those feelings out there, you can't get hurt, and I think she's really smart for doing things her own way. Anyway, his name is Adam Patil and he's a Hufflepuff. I first noticed them starting to spend time together about a week ago, although I'm not entirely sure when their relationship started. I don't know about this Adam kid, but he seems alright, I suppose. Karly is way too good for him, though. I usually think she's way too good for the boys she dates, but I think it's because I love her so much.

As for the Marauders, I don't like Peter. I never have, and I really don't think I ever will. There's just something about that boy that I find terribly disturbing. Also, I can't stand to be around him; he annoys me to the point where I'd rather jump off a bridge that speak to him. I think mostly it's that he trails Sirius and James, praising them as if they are gods when they do something stupid, like 'bedding' a girl for the first time. It's ridiculous how he seems to worship them. I suppose it's because he wants to be liked and James, Sirius, and Remus are far more than _liked_. I swear I've seen shrines dedicated to all three of those idiots! Peter… he is just not cool. People don't like him regardless of who he hangs out with. I feel sorry for him, really.

Remus is suspiciously in the Hospital Wing again. I first began to notice his mysterious illness occur every full moon at the beginning of this year. So sure me; I had the biggest crush on him since. It isn't a big thing… kind of a school girl thing that I know would never turn into anything. I mean, how could anyone not like him? He is extremely intelligent, practically beautiful, funny, and the nicest person in the world. It's just a crush, that's all. Nothing is going to happen.

Anyway, I had a theory about his sickness, but it seems utterly ridiculous, so I just never pressed the subject. It's just… this is the third time. Once is an instance, twice is a coincidence, and thrice is a pattern. Still, I guess it _is_ just a coincidence he seems to be sick at the same time every month. It's _only_ been three times. Maybe he has some sort of illness that causes him to be sick at that time. I hope not. Despite my crush, Remus has become somewhat of a good friend of mine.

Sirius is probably with his current fling, Mallory Timpson, snogging senselessly in an empty classroom somewhere. I swear, that boy has no morals at all. He's such a player that it's hard to believe that he was ever involved with me. It hurts to know that Sirius has gone back to his playboy status after being with me, and I don't really want to find him with another girl. It's been awhile, but it will still hurt too much. It's not even that I still like him or anything. Yeah, things are awkward as we struggle to become friends; it hasn't been that long since we… dated, if you can even call it that. Actually, I know that enough time has passed for Sirius to be dating again; I guess I'm just really hung up over him. The bad thing about me and relationships is that when I fancy someone, I fall incredibly hard for that person, and it takes me forever to, first off, accept that that person doesn't want me, and secondly, get over them. It really is a long, drawn out process.

James is nowhere to be found. I'm not necessarily looking for him, but on my search of finding someone to spend the day with, I have been to the Gryffindor common room, the Great Hall, most of the Hogwarts grounds, and the library, and James isn't occupying any of those places. He can be so mysterious and unpredictable sometimes. It isn't really that I want to spend time with him either. I'm confused by our whole not-quite-friends-but-acting-like-it relationship and I'm not sure what to make of it. I just wish I knew what he wanted. I think life would be so much easier if boys just told you exactly what they want. Instead, they say one thing, and do another. Arg! They're so incredibly frustrating! And infuriating! Anyway, James is just my last resort, really, and nothing more.

Liz… I guess she has plans of her own with Charley. She was scared when she realized that they were dating, but an excited type of scared. The day before, she asked me if I had plans, but I told her that I would find someone to hang out with and that she should spend time with Charley, or Char, as she has recently come to call him. It's ironic that she calls Charley 'Char,' because the word char means 'burn,' one of Liz's favorite past times. Charley, I suppose, has taken the place of Liz burning and I say 'suppose' because I have not seen any new visible burns. Char is good for her if it keeps her from burning, and any time she can spend with him I know is time well spent.

I find it funny how logical it is that Liz and I are friends. We are alike in almost every way—we both like fire and knives and pain. If she or I were born a guy, we would be absolutely perfect for each other and we both know this. In fact, we have conversations about it fairly often.

After coming to the conclusion that no one wants to or has time to spend with me, I decide that I'm perfectly fine spending the day alone. I don't want anyone's sympathy. Though I hate being alone, I decide that I'll just have to suck it up and bear the day by myself since no one else had time to waste on me. And that was just fine, thank you very much.

I walk back into the castle, trying to drown out the sounds of everyone else laughing and having fun. Today is one of those hot-cold days. Despite the snow that covers the ground, the sun is shining, and shining brightly. I hate the joyful sun; it seems like it's mocking me.

Because of the heat the sun is giving off, I shrug off my heavy jacket and change into jeans and a pretty white top. I want to look pretty because I am spending the day alone. Maybe… Maybe people would look at me and not know I'm dying inside. Afterwards, I go to lunch alone.

After a sulky lunch, I gather my books and go back outside. I decide that I should do something useful on my only day off. As long as I'm not doing something fun, I might as well catch up on my classes.

I walk to my favorite tree and begin to work. I have a foot long essay in each class, plus I want to read a chapter in the book I am currently reading for fun. It's very intriguing and I can't wait to see what would happen next. It's a page-turner that I can't put down.

I have been so focused that I didn't realize that I worked all day and through dinner. Now, an hour after dinner, thunder cackles above and it starts to pour on me. How funny the weather is. It's fucked up, that's what I think. It was only snowing this morning.

Sighing as the sleet-like drops cover me, I begin to pile my books into my already overfilled bag, and I begin to shiver. Suddenly, my bag rips in tow, scattering books, parchment, quills, and ink everywhere. I know the world is laughing at me. Life is mocking me. It's a game, I swear. I told you that life doesn't like to be nice to me. I swear the sky is smirking at me as I drop to my knees.  
Just great. I'm having the time of my life, really. Couldn't you tell? Only, things always get worse. As if life hasn't done enough to me, as I look at my shirt, I laugh. It never ends, does it? Thanks, life. You've outdone yourself this time. My white shirt is see-through.

Just bloody fucking perfect.

At least everyone is inside.

"Lily?" I know I spoke too soon. Leave it to me to jinx myself.

I try to cover myself up, but it's no use. I can't hid my well-developed body through my now clear-like shirt.

I laugh as I notice how ironic this whole situation is. It seems like it should have been in one of those muggle love movies. Only, without the love part. I think I just made a fool of myself.

Fuck it, I think. It doesn't matter anymore. I look up at the sky, close my eyes, and let the water rush soothingly all over my body. It's really the most amazing feeling in the world; I have always thought so.

"What are you doing?" James asks me. James is now standing right next to me. Of course it's James. Have I mentioned that life hates me? Yes? Good. Just for future reference: life hates me.

"I love the rain," is all I say. I don't care if he thinks I'm screwed up. I'm not sure I want to be friends with him in the first place. It's all a little too weird, even for me. I know. Shocker there.

"It's weird weather," James says, watching me. "It was just snowing this morning, sunny this afternoon, and now raining." James chuckled and magically fixes my bag, sending everything back in it neatly. I didn't even ask him to. I don't like that he did that without me asking him to, and I really don't know why.

"Thanks," I reply through chattering teeth.

James walks closer to me and wraps his arms around me. I'm not sure if I like being this close to him. I'm not sure what to make of it and I'm not exactly sure what the hell is going on. I'm just not sure of anything anymore.

"Better?" He asks.

"Mmhmm," I reply, my voice muffled because my face is against his chest. All I can think is, he smells so fucking good.

The weirdest thing is, I feel something is James's arms that I've never felt before. It's a mixture of safety and feeling wanted, I think.

And I like it.

* * *

We walk into the castle some time later, looking like we took a swim in the lake. My shirt is more see through than ever, but I don't really care. I feel strangely comfortable with James and it isn't like it would matter if I covered up then. Unfortunately, James had already seen everything he was going to see.

After a quick 'thanks' and 'goodbye,' I rush up to my dormitory for a much-needed bath.

When I get out of the bath, I hear someone crying. Being me, I can't just ignore it.

"Hello?" I look around for someone. "Lex?" I notice Lexi on her bed, sobbing into her pillow. "What's the matter?"

"B-B-Brian… B-Brian… He b-broke up with m-me!" Lexi says between sobs.

I hug her, with a gasp of disbelief, and Lexi collapses into sobs on my shoulder. He is an asshole and I hate myself for not seeing this coming. I should have been protecting Lexi. I failed her once again. The only thing I want at that moment is the satisfying feeling of a knife. I know I have to be there for Lexi, though. I will not fail her again; I have to protect her.

Apparently, Brian pulled the 'let's just be friends' routine with Lexi. How cheap. And lame. And disgusting. She told him that being friends wasn't a good idea and walked away from him, head held high.

"I'm so proud of you!" I reply after hearing the whole story.

"I can't believe _he_ broke up with _me_!" Lexi sobs even harder.

"Shh…" I whisper reassuringly. Lexi's head is in my lap while I ruffle my best friend's hair. This always seems to calm Lexi down. "It's okay," I continue to whisper. "It's going to be okay."

* * *

One night, as I am walking up to my bed myself after prefect duties, I am grabbed from behind and pulled into a closet. I try to scream, but my mouth is covered my my captor's hand.

"Lily! I'm going to remove my hand, okay? Don't scream." I nod and as soon as I am released, I turn and kick the person as hard and I can. It is then that I meet his pained eyes. It's James who has captured me.

"Fuck, Lily! What the hell!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you!"

"Who the fuck else do you know with my voice?!"

It's then that I realize the place I kicked James. He is bent over, holding 'where the sun don't shine.' I laugh and he scowls at me. This makes me laugh even harder.

"Sorry," I whisper.

After a few moments in which James uses to compose himself, I finally muster up the nerve to speak.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we doing in a closet?"

"I don't know, but I saw it in a muggle movie one time and always wanted to try it." I laugh and James put his hand back over my mouth. "Shh…" He opens the door a crack and we see professor Vector walking around the corner. When she disappears he opens the door and walks out. James still keeps his arms around me like we were inside the closet. When he realizes that, he lets go immediately.

"So, what's up?" I ask him.

"Well, I kind of have a surprise for you," James says nervously. My face lights up. "Don't get too excited, it's nothing special…" He grabs my hand and pulls me outside. "Wait here."

When James comes back, he is holding his Comet 360. He gets on and holds out a hand for me. All I can think is the next thing I say.

"James, what the hell are you doing?"

"Well, remember a few days ago when you told me you wanted to fly away?" I roll my eyes. Note to self—don't ever be sentimental and cliché ever again. "Well, let me take you away."

Yes, I know that's corny and lame. But it's cute. You really can't blame him for trying. I try so hard not to laugh but a strangled one came out anyway. James's face falls the littlest bit.

"Sorry, but, wow, James," I whisper. "Thanks…"

"Don't even worry about it. Now get on!" I laugh and slide on behind him, my arms around his waist, holding on for dear life. I am petrified of heights. I even get scared when I'm walking around!

"I like it when you laugh, Lily." I smile. I snuggle closer to him in attempt to use his body heat for warmth.

My eyes grow wide and I let loose a scream as James lifts the broom from the ground.

After a moment, I get used to the ride. I love the feeling of my legs dangling off the broom, but still the feeling of safety, plus the wind blowing in my face and through my hair. It's like being on a roller coaster, only, less safe. It's the best feeling in the world, being on a broom.

I close my eyes and soak it all in. I lean against James and savor his warmth.

"I love this, James. Thank you, so much."

"Uh, Lily?" James asks nervously. "Um, a while back when you got drunk at the party… you, um told me some things…"

"Oh, don't worry about that. Bad drinking habits."

"But, you meant it, didn't you? Weren't you telling the truth?"

I think back to what I had told him, wincing as I remember how stupid I had been to tell James personal secrets not meant for his ears.

_"…I hate my prefect badge! I'm practically an alcoholic! I like painkillers… I like fire… I like knives…"_

"No," I lie. "I didn't know what was going on. Are you sure I said something? I don't really recall…"

"Oh. It scared me, is all. The things you told me, I mean."

I know James has bought my lies… at least for now. I don't know how long it will be before he finds out the truth, but I know it will be a long time. I'm getting so good at lying.

I fall asleep against James, pulling him tighter over my freezing body. I fall asleep as we ride off into the sliver of a moon.

* * *

Soon, but not too soon, Lexi got over Brian. She stayed single and preferred to do things alone most of the time. Maybe it's just the result of being so close and serious with Brian, but Lexi always said she needs to learn to be independent, and gather her thoughts alone. That's certainly the worst excuse ever, but Karly and I respect Lexi's space. What kind of people would we be if we didn't? Though Karly and I never talk about it to Lexi (unless she brought it up) Karly and I talk amongst ourselves.

Karly has been getting pretty serious with Adam, and I suppose I can't be happier for both of them. They've found someone to get them, to stand still with them. I think that's what everyone really wants, after all.

Who will stand still with me?

_No one,_ my mind answers.

Karly has never really gotten too close with any boy, at least to my knowledge, but like I said, she doesn't talk about that kind of thing with me. I wish she would; I just want to be a part of her life. But she doesn't know how much I love her, how much I need her. Through the five years at Hogwarts, Karly has dated a couple of guys, but things have never gotten too significant, from the looks of it. There's a first time for everything, I suppose. It's a bit odd to me considering her lack of… experience. I'm not trying to be a bitch (I guess I just am one), but in my experience, guys only want one thing. I suppose I don't really have much more experience than her, though, having been dumped for not 'doing favors.'

Christine, I guess, is so in love with Malfoy. She sits at the Slytherin table every meal, hangs out with them between classes, and spends every waking hour with Malfoy (even some sleeping ones, ew!). It's crazy; it's fucking sick. Don't they remember that she's a Gryffindor? I guess I'm a little jealous, having not been accepted as Christine is. Then again, I'm not shagging the Slytherin Prince…

Ew. Excuse me while I throw up.

It's not that he's awful looking; he's actually rather handsome. It's just… he's so incredibly… awful. He's not only a horrible person, but he takes pleasure in the weaknesses and pain in others. He's sick; he's bloody fucking sick.

Anyway, Christine has completely crossed over to the other side: the dark side. It's hard to believe we were ever even friends. It's sad, that's what it is. It's almost funny to see her throwing her life away. Except, it's nauseating.

I walk to class, twenty minutes late because I had woken late, as usual. Leave it to me to be the one late to class. I don't really care, but I know that I'll be getting detention due to my lack of punctuality and it really isn't what I need. I truly don't need any more shit in my life, so I run to class, my bag clanking painfully against my waist.

Today, however, I have the misfortune to find out that I'm not the only one late to class.

I turn as I hear footsteps behind me. The last thing I need is Filch on my case about being late to class. Yet, it's none other than Lucius Malfoy with Christine on his arm. I laugh as I see Christine—the picture of Slytherin stuck with a Gryffindor's personality and mind. It's funny. She can do everything in the world to make her look like a Slytherin, and she has, but deep down, I know she is and will always be a Gryffindor. And she had to live with that. It must be eating her up inside. In her, all I can see is a pathetic coward who makes Gryffindors look bad. She's only something all Gryffindors will weep over in this disgraceful and useless state.

"Oh look," Malfoy says and I can hear him sneering. "The mudblood's all alone."

Christine laughs a high-pitched, fake laugh that doesn't suit her in the slightest. I shudder at my ex-best friend's laugh and walk faster. Not only do I not want to be any later than I am, but seeing Christine transformed into the bitch she always had the potential to be hits me hard. Plus, Malfoy is just an asshole whom I hate. I know he wouldn't do anything to me since he's in love with Liz and I'm Liz's best friend. Unfortunately, I'm very wrong.

"Oh, is the little mudblood scared?" I wince because it is Christine who said that.

Okay, so Little? Yes. Mudblood? Yes. Scared? Never. I have never been scared of people and I never will be.

You bitch, I want to scream out, but I just glare and continue to walk. If Liz was here, she would tell me to go kick her ass because I know I could beat Christine up, but… I know that this is her choice; this was the path she had chosen. Yeah, I could get upset, give her a few bruises and all, but that wouldn't do anything. In the end, I will still have to accept her decision because I know she wasn't going to change. She's in with the Slytherins now (something I would never be, I think enviously.), if only because Malfoy scared them into liking her. She's in, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Except, perhaps Malfoy.

And Liz. I'm sure she could sway Malfoy to get rid of Christine. She has that kind of power over him. He's putty in her hands, screaming "mold me! For god's sake, form me into anything!"

_You're not mine anymore,_ I think. _I don't even know you anymore._

Lucius pulls out his wand and makes my bag rip to shreds, causing me to lose my balance and fall on the frozen dungeon floor. Christine shrieks in laughter. Fucking bitch. I still don't do anything. I refuse to sink to their pathetic level.

I stand up, brush my robes off, and pick up my books. I walk at a swifter pace because I am now a half hour late to my class of Double Potions. Great. It's my favorite class, I swear. Believe me? Didn't think so. Maybe that sarcasm thing works better than I thought.

How do I always get off topic? I swear, I have the shortest attention span anyone's ever seen.

"Oh come on, mudblood! We're just having some fun!" Malfoy replies. Yeah, fun. I'm sure that's it. I must have missed it. I give Lucius the dirtiest look I've ever given anyone, and that's really saying something. I can be the nastiest person alive; I'm skilled at that.

I briefly hear Malfoy call me a mudblood again and I turn around, an unknown fire burning in my eyes. That's the last straw. I get higher marks than he does, and we both know that. How can he say that mudbloods are filth when I clearly do better than him? Him and his pureblood we're-so-superior snobbish bullshit. He's the real filth, if anything. Malfoy, my ass.

Off topic again. I promise not to stray too much. I do try, you know. Anyway… where was I? Oh yeah. Things are starting to get good, I promise. In comes the action. However, it's not especially… just read.

I lift my shaky hand and slap his perfect pale cheek with all I have. I swear, did that boy ever go outside? Anyway, Christine gasps and I smile, admiring the effects. A blue and black bruise is already beginning to form on Malfoy's cheek and I laugh as I notice it's in the shape of my dainty little hand.

"Not a good move," Malfoy replies, no longer smiling. I bite back a sarcastic remark and settle for a disbelieving look.

It's funny how Malfoy's usual exceptionally handsome face, even for a slimy Slytherin, is twisted with malice into an ugly sneer. He quickly raises his wand, not looking away from me. He looks into my eyes, searching for some sign of fear—something to feed on. I will not give him that satisfaction. I will not be afraid.

I hear Malfoy mutter what sounds like a curse. I, however, never heard what the curse was, but soon find out that it's not one we're taught her at school. It's something only really dark wizards would know and that much brought me to the brink of fear.

Suddenly, I'm thrown against the cold brick wall with such force that it leaves me dizzy. I groan from where I land on the ground. I feel like I am experiencing fifty hangovers at the same time, but this hurts so much more. My head spins and when I rub it with my hand, blood pours our everywhere. I'll take the hangovers any day. I'm concerned for the blood loss and I can't even think. I feel another wave of dizziness come over me and I take a deep breath, wincing at the sharp pain in my ribs. I try weakly to get up, but fail miserably.

"Oh, get up _Lily_." Malfoy twists my name as if I'm the most disgusting creature upon the earth. He stands over me, smirking at the state I am in. "I'll even help you." He raises his wand and mutters another spell that sends me shooting up and thrown back against the wall. I cough in pain as I slide down the wall. Mafloy laughs and I hate him more than anything.

I feel a river of what feels like sweat pouring down my face, but when I wipe it off, I realize it's my own blood running down my slowly draining face. Obviously, this boy has anger management issues.

"Have you had enough, mudblood?" Malfoy's face is calm, as if nothing has happened. I do the only thing I know I'm capable of doing, considering my frail state. I spit on him, laughing lightly at his disgust. I don't fail to notice how the spit is mostly made up of my blood. I wipe my mouth, but still taste metal. I breathe heavily and know I must look like a wreck. What did it matter now, anyway? I'm such a freak. My sister was right.

_"Bastard,_" I whisper only loud enough for him to just barely hear me. His eyes quickly turn into hatred, as he doesn't bother to mask his eyes. I note that Christine is nowhere to be seen. I guess she can't handle it all. Poor pathetic bitch.

I'm nice. People tell me that's my best quality, but I don't miss them coughing right afterwards, sounding suspiciously like 'yeah, right.' I know I'm mean, and I can't help being proud of it. Life has turned me bitter and cynical.

Malfoy mutters another dark curse that I don't seem to hear. Maybe he doesn't want me to hear them, but whatever the reason, I never seem to catch any curse he aims at me. I think that's the point.

The curse plunges me into indescribable pain. Deep cuts form all over my body as I am, once again, violently tossed against the wall. At this moment, I mentally beg him to kill me. Anything would be better than the pain. If I could speak, I would plead him to kill me right here and now, but I know that that's way out of my range. My unmoving body slowly slides down, leaving a trail of blood clinging to the wall.

I fall to the floor, my robes soaked in my own blood as is my hair, my face unnaturally pale from the blood loss.

I fight to keep my eyes open, knowing if I close them into the sleep I strangely wanted so desperately, I may never open these emerald eyes again. As I struggle to breathe, Malfoy walks over to me in his usual classy, slow stride. He has no idea how ridiculous he looks with the bruise I have given him and the cut that had formed over it from the ring I am wearing.

Yet, at the same time, Malfoy is incredibly terrifying. I feel my breathing grow faster as he approaches me.

That's the goal Malfoys want, you see. They hurt others to gain power. They thrive on the pain and fear of others so that they can win them over and have total control. Without power, they are nothing; Lucius is nothing. I know this all too well, it seems.

So with his father's voice roaming his mind telling him to gain that power, and to be eloquent in doing so, Malfoy gracefully walks over to me with perfect poise and posture. Being eloquent and elegant shows others how much class the Malfoys have and that they know how to use it.

"Aww, Evans, it's all right. I'll tell your friend that you're safe with her parents in heaven now." My eyes widen as I catch the meaning behind his words. Suddenly, a surge of power coming from nowhere erupts in me and I find my voice somewhere along the way.

"How dare you! You, with your bullshit class and power! How dare you even think about Lexi and her—ahhh!" At that note I lose the little energy I have and am thrown into the air and spun around.

"Let me down!" I gasp, knowing there was too much space between me and the ground.

"If you say so…" Malfoy drawls lazily. He stops the spell from coming, causing me to fall from the air. An _oomph_ emits involuntarily from my lips as I hit the ground.

When Lucius struts over to me, my eyes are closed. I am covered in so much blood that it's hard to tell if it is still flowing. My face is whit as snow and I am barely breathing.

The thing about Malfoys is that they lost themselves in anger and take everything out on others. They take things way too far and often can't control their temper.

I just lie there, unmoving. I have fallen unconscious.

* * *

James was the one to find me. I am, of course, telling the story afterwards and this is how I tell it with such knowledge, seeing as I was obviously unconscious. James takes my pulse.

"Go get a teacher!" He screams to someone. He seemed so worried. Someone worried about me? It's an odd thought, seeing as no one really has before.

I know Malfoy thinks that I am simply a mudblood and had this coming to me. That I deserved it.

I know I was close to death and later find it funny how I almost died. I could have died right then and there. Would anyone care? Would anyone come to my funeral? Would my friends know that my secret desire was to be cremated, having been repulsed at the idea of being buried, and have my ashes thrown into the ocean? Would anyone cry over my death? Would anyone miss me? Or would they all shrug it off and say, "oh, Lily was a fun girl, it's too bad about her" and then laugh at a joke someone makes?

I don't think I would have been able to handle it. And it hurts, because I don't feel like anyone would miss me. I wonder if my ex-boyfriends or ex-best friends would come to my funeral, but my heart tells me that they would just laugh.

Though I do not die, I am grateful for the comforting unconsciousness. All I know is black, and black is my favorite color.

**Author's Note-** Stupid Malfoy! -hexes- Take that! Bahahahaha... what's going to happen next? Who knows? I know!! -raises hand- Yes? "Next, Lily is going to--"

You didn't think I'd give it away that easily, did you? Come on! You got to work for it!

So, quick update, I must say I'm very proud of myself. I hope you guys like this chapter... Lotsa important stuff happen...

I will promise you that in the next chapter, Lily wakes up. I won't be that mean to make you wait for ANOTHER chapter.

So, I must say that thank you's are in order, yes?:

xX-Ashi-Xx-- Wow, thank you! I really don't think I'm that good of a writer, but I'm real passionate about it, and I think that's what counts. Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope you liked this chapter. Don't worry, there will be PLENTY of Lily's drunkenness in future chapters! Thanks, again! P.S.--if you like this fic, and like D/Hr, you should read my other fic, Masked Denial. I think that one is written a LOT better than this one!

cosmopolitan-- Reference to the drink? Lol... Thanks so much! And thank you for the constructive criticism! I can always use it! Thank you so much for reviewing and I hope you read my other fics too! I could use as much support as I can get!

Lily-Sun-- Omg, thanks! I wasn't sure if anyone would like it because it's SO AU, but I'm glad that I've found someone who likes the diferentness! (Is that a word? Lol...) So, again, thank you, and keep R&R!

Thanks to everyone else who read, and I hope you keep reviewing! Thanks!

xDreamerx


	6. I Want To Run Away

**Chapter 6—I Want to Run Away**

The room is silent. No one knows that I hate silence more than anything. Of course, I don't know that either. I don't know anything. I don't even know who I am.

Suddenly, call it a miracle, but my eyes flutter open. I don't recognize where I am and there are all these strange people around me. I don't know them and I don't like them being around me.

They all look at me outlandishly and I find myself scowling and I don't know why. They all smile and it freaks me out.

"Lily—"

"We were all so worried—"

"How are you—"

"How do you feel—"

"Are you okay?"

They all bombard me with questions, but I just look at them funny. What the hell is going on? Who are they? What are they doing here? Do I know them? Why don't I know anything? Endless questions fly through my head and it hurts to think.

As I look around the people surrounding me, I try to recognize them, hoping something would trigger a memory.

The chair closest to me holds a boy with messy black hair and chocolate colored eyes. He wears wire-rimmed glasses, but is not unattractive. I feel a twinge in my stomach when I look him over and wonder briefly if he is my boyfriend. As I study his eyes, I find fear, concern, and a flicker of an emotion of which I have never felt or have ever seen it directed towards me. His eyes intrigue me and I don't want to look away from the intense orbs.

Next to him is a boy with longer black hair, pretty dark eyes, and stunningly proud features. He was very attractive, if not more so than the first boy, and I felt the same twinge when I searched his eyes. His intense orbs bore into mine and I feel as though my heart hurts as I meet his eyes.

Beside him sits a sandy-haired boy with deep hazel eyes. He's beautiful, by all means, and I feel a blush creep up my cheeks as he looks at me. I wonder if _this_ boy is my boyfriend, or perhaps I am in love with him. He certainly is a looker, but also looks as if he is a deep thinker. For a brief moment, I wish he is my boyfriend, so maybe I can know what it feels like to have his perfect pink lips pressed against mine.

Alongside the pretty boy rests a striking girl with beautiful pale blonde hair. Her eyes are the same color hazel as the previous boys, but that's only where the similarity begins. Both have soft, intense gazes. They're delicate and passionate. They're strong and gentle. They're good people.

Finally beside the pretty blonde sits a girl with black hair and deep brown eyes. She looks sensitive and very intelligent. Her eyes are not only profound, but sincere. She looks _nice_ and it made me think briefly how close I must have been to losing her; to losing all of these people who care so deeply for me that they stayed by my side through the troubles I know I must have caused.

All of the people surrounding me look vaguely familiar, but still, nothing comes to mind. It makes me feel sick trying to remember anything.

"Who are you? Where am I? What happened?" I ask after carefully surveying the unfamiliar surroundings. My voice sounds alien to my own ears.

Their cheerful smiles quickly fade into fearful looks. What did I do wrong? Am I supposed to pretend that I know them?

"Y-You mean you don't remember anything?" The blonde girl questions quietly.

My head hurts so I don't even try to remember anything. I lift a hand to my throbbing head to find it bandaged. What the hell happened? I'm confused and I feel sick and I just want to go back to sleep, but somehow I figure sleep in the state I am in is probably not a good idea.

The people go around the room introducing themselves. I know it must feel odd to introduce themselves to someone they must have known for years. They go on to say a little about themselves and how I know them. It's funny, and it helps a lot.

"Okay," I try to remember everything. "You're James. I'm sort of friends with you, and from what I can tell, we have the most screwed up relationship I've ever heard of." James nods and laughs. "Sirius," I continue. "You're my ex and now we're kind of friends? Okay, whatever. Next, Remus. I'm friends with you and we've always been good friends. We hang out a lot too? Okay, then. Next is Lexi. I've been friends with you and Karly for five years."

Everyone smiles and nods, showing me I got it all right.

"I'm sorry," I say, a puzzled expression on my face. "I don't remember anything more about any of you; I just don't remember you."

"Madame Pomfrey!" The boy named James yells out. Or is it Sirius? I'll never get this right.

A lady dressed in all white comes in and smiles at me. I find myself smiling back at her good-natured grin.

"Good, you're up," she says directly to me.

"Madame Pomfrey, what's wrong with Lily?" Someone asks. At least I know my name is Lily! I just might be catching on! "She can't remember anything. Will she be okay? What happened? Will she be sent to St. Mungo's?"

I lay back down as my head throbs more with each passing second.

"Lily will be fine. She has suffered a concussion, but she will be alright. As for what happened, no one knows. When Lily gets her memory back she can tell us all. I have to perform a spell on her twice an hour and she needs to drink these potions, but she will get her full memory back. She will stay here in the hospital wing for as long as it takes her memory to return. It all depends on Lily. Now, all of you get out. My patient needs sleep." My friends, I guess, reluctantly file out, shooting furtive glances at me all the while.

The lady in white performs a spell on me; it makes me dizzy. Then she hands me a green potion.

"Take these," she says. She hands me two more potions—a purple one and a clear one. The clear colored potion is a "Dreamless Sleep" potion I find out by reading the label.

I gulp down all three of the revolting potions obediently and then yawn.

"Uh, white lady? Hi. Who were those people who came to see me?" I ask.

"They were you're friends, dear. Don't worry. By the time you wake up you should remember a little of your childhood. In a few short days you should have your full memory back and you can go back to your normal routine. Now, go to sleep, dear. It'll do you some good."

I yawn again.

"But I'm not even tired—"

With that, like the 'white lady' said, I am lured into a dreamless sleep. I guess the potion doesn't lie, which is more than I can say for people.

* * *

It takes a full two days to get my entire memory back, but Madame Pomfrey won't let me out just yet. It's times like these when I remember why when I feel sick, I never go to the Hospital Wing.

It's nothing short of hell to have to relive my heartbreaking childhood memories. It's as if I'm going through the same shit twice those few days and I couldn't sleep—I just stayed up, rocking back and forth, wanting what has been my solution for the past couple years—cutting, burning, starving myself, and drinking. I couldn't even have the simple comfort a searing knife gives me scraping across the already mangled skin of my wrists because, obviously, I can't do much of anything under the watchful eye of Madame Pomfrey.

"Madame Pomfrey! I'm fine! I can remember everything and I just feel perfectly fine!" A lie. I hadn't felt fine in years. I wasn't even sure what the word meant anymore, but I was pretty sure there had to be something, anything better than the way I felt. "Why can't I go to breakfast with my friends?" I yell at the older woman.

"Because breakfast is over." I sigh in defeat. "Here, eat this."

It's the colorless, tasteless, horrible mush of oatmeal everyone is forced to eat during their stay in the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey walks out, leaving me to digest in peace. As if I'd actually swallow that stuff!

"Bloody woman," I mutter under my breath and stir the mush with my spoon. I make a face, but continue to play with the interestingly thick paste.

"Gross, huh?" A voice says.

I look up and see James. I swear, he's everywhere! I don't know how much I want to see him, especially in the gown I'm forced to wear. I don't even know how much I want this odd relationship to happen.

"James. You scared me," I reply.

"I snuck you in some toast." James pulls out buttered toast from behind his back. I quickly abandon the mush and reach for some toast.

"Thanks!" I say, biting into it. "Mmmm!"

James laughs and sits down on the edge of my bed. I try to be nonchalant in pulling the covers over my pale form, but James notices anyway and laughs at me, scooting away slightly as if to tell me that he's not looking, or something like that. I never have been very good at reading body language.

"So, you have your memory back. How are you feeling?" He asks me. I quickly finish my breakfast and lay back down.

"Good," I reply. A lie. What is the definition of good anyway? I'd really love to know, because now that I think about it, I can't even remember being good. I don't even know what the word means. However, James means well, so I lie to him (I'm getting so good at that!) And I suppose he really can be nice when he wants to be.

I did not just think that.

"So, what really happened?" James has a more serious expression on his face.

"I believe that's something we'd all like to know," says a voice from the shadows. The curtains are drawn to reveal the headmaster.

"Oh, professor, would you like me to leave?" James starts to get up.

"You may stay," Dumbledore replies. It strikes me as odd that James is allowed to stay, but I know that the school will know about what happened sooner or later, and I know that Dumbledore would rather everyone know the facts. I've never seen Professor Dumbledore look as downheartedly as he does now, and I almost want to lie to make it all go away.

I take a deep breath, knowing I have no choice. I retell the dreadful events of what had happened in the corridor and by the time I finish, my throat hurts, my head throbs, and my voice is half gone.

While I had been speaking, when James would open his mouth to say something, Dumbledore held up a hand to stop him, letting me go on without interruptions. I like that. It's easier to get out the entire story if I wasn't getting interrupted, forcing me to actually _think_ about what happened.

Dumbledore's face is as calm as ever and I find this odd. I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head, but I could never in a million years know what he's thinking. I believe no one can.

James's face is twisted into hatred. It's amusing and I almost laugh at him, but I look away before the laughter can burst out of me; however, I can't stop a smile from forming on my lips. I quickly force myself to think of something depressing and the smile is wiped off my face.

James mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like a couple of swear words directed at the young Mr. Malfoy. I take note that Dumbledore ignores this. This is funny, but not ha-ha funny. It's different and hilarious.

All Dumbledore says is 'thank you' and then he sweeps from the room.

I watch James pace angrily across the room, examining his movements carefully. I can read his mind easily—James is simple like that. He can be so readable and predictable at times and I find in funny and incredibly interesting.

"Lily! He hurt you! He could have killed you!" Comes a sudden outburst from James. I almost jump, but catch myself in time and force my fright into a sneer. I always seem to push people away when the one thing I need is for them to be close to me. I stand and begin to speak, not yelling, but not speaking in a pleasant tone either.

"You don't know how it works with the Slytherins. And why would you care anyway? It's not like we're friends. We were enemies just weeks ago. Don't act like now you're my best friend just because you got to me seconds before someone else would have found me in that corridor and don't you _ever_ act like you know _anything_ about me. I don't know anything about you, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to. You're mind must be an awfully sick place. You hated me just weeks ago and I was perfectly fine hating you. Now you want to be my friend and play mindless games? Let's play then! I bet it's fun to be friends with poor little mudblood Lily!" At the end of this, I realize I am screaming, however James never cowers in fear of me. He towers over me, angrier by the second.

"How can you be such a bitch? I'm just trying to be friends! What, even the perfect Lily Evans doesn't need friends? It's not a game. Yeah, we were enemies a few weeks ago, but you were dating my best friend. What the hell was I supposed to do? Maybe I shouldn't care, though. You would rather hate me, right? Yeah, well, I _don't_ fucking care! I've got better things to do then spend my valuable time with _you,_ of all people! I know a million people who'd _die_ to be around me!"

"Yeah, half of them being yourself! God, you are so conceited! And a bastard! I don't even know why anyone would ever want to see your ugly face!" I yell back, a triumphant smirk on my face. My comeback rocks! I'm so proud! I won! I finally beat James Potter at his own game!

James smiles a villainous grin and it scares me half to death. It's a murderous look he wears and it's me he wishes it upon. I almost cower, but then realize that that wouldn't be me, so I stand tall, my jaw line hard and proud. I swallow and look his squarely in the eye, though I am terrified of what he's going to do.

James walks towards me slowly; I have no clue what's going to happen. I know I hit him where it hurts—his pride, his ego—and that's what damages him the most. I'm skilled at hurting people and I know it—I'm skilled at treating people like shit.

I close my eyes as he comes close. I feel his hand around my wrist, pressing so hard that it causes the not-yet-healed cuts to bleed once again. His other hand I feel around my neck, gripping it so that I can barely tell that his hand is at my throat. It doesn't hurt at all; I can only just feel his hand there.

It might seem odd that he would react this way, but I know something, a hidden message in my words, if you will that you do not know about our lovely Mr. Potter. I called him a bastard, and as we common swearers know, a bastard is someone whose parents were never married, and commonly, their father left them. I know for a fact that James's father left him and his mother when James was only five years old and hasn't been seen since then. You see the meaning in my words? I hit him where I know it will destroy him, and I'm sorry to say that I did it on purpose. I can't control my temper and it always gets the best of me.

"You know, I could kill you so easily right now… no one would even know," he whispers. I feel his breath on my lips and I know he's within inches of them.

I feel tears sting my eyes, and I honestly believe that James is going to kill me right here and now.

"I'm sorry—" I whisper, a single tear running down my cheek, but I'm cut off when James kisses me.

It would be a lie to say that James is not an amazing kisser. It's the most amazing kiss I've ever experienced, besides the fact that his hand is at my throat. The hand he has around my wrist softens until he lets go, placing his hand gently around my waist, pulling me closer. The hand at my throat moves so he's now cupping my cheek gently.

I subconsciously wrap my arms around him, pulling his closer, deepening the kiss. I don't know why I pull his closer. I just… like it.

James pulls away briefly and I smile, only able to have one breath before I'm plunged into another kiss. James kisses me feverishly, as if there's no time left in the world. He pulls me towards him, as if I want to resist, as if I don't want to kiss him back.

Then, after a few moments, the kiss fades into smaller kisses and then he leaves my mouth, kissing my cheek and then pulling me into a hug, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist—so tight that my body is pressed completely against him. I slip my arms around his neck and have to step on my tip toes to hug him properly. We stay like that a moment before James whispers to me.

"I'm so sorry," he says, and I know what he means. He doesn't have to say it because I understand and I know what he means; I can hear it in his voice.

"I'm sorrier," I whisper back. He kisses my cheek and then my forehead and then catches my lips in another brief kiss.

Less than a minute later, James ends the kiss and turns to walk away, not looking back, but I know it isn't because he's angry. I know he's anything but angry with me.

* * *

Later that same day, I go to visit Liz in the prefect bathroom she fucks guys in. It isn't only her dirty room, it's _hers_. It's the place she can think, be real, and be undisturbed.

I knock curtly before whispering the password and stepping inside. There's a single candle lit in the middle of the room and Liz is lying on a couch, alcohol bottle in her hand, but it isn't even half gone. She has just started drinking.

"You know, in some cultures they light a candle for the suffering people they care about," she says quietly, knowing I'm there.

"That's religions," I reply standing at the foot of the couch. Liz stands, magically turns the couch into a bed, smirking at the green and silver covers I have to lie in, and lies back down. I slide in the covers beside her and she holds me close to her as if I am her sibling, as if she thinks I will go away, as if she doesn't think I'm real.

"I loved how you weren't there when I woke up," I say to her using all my strength not to sound mad.

"Oh, don't be like that. You know those…" She catches herself just in time. "You know your _friends_ don't like me. I _did_ visit you. A lot, actually, just not while you were awake. Just not when they were there."

I nod and she puts a hand to my cheek, forcing me to look her in the eye. Her eyes are so intense that I can barely look at her.

"I tried, babe," she says. "And just so you know, Lucius Malfoy is _dead_." There is an unknown fire burning in her eyes, and I change the subject, hoping she'll forget about her plans to hurt Malfoy.

"Guess who I made out with today," I say, dismissing the subject and showing her that I accept her unspoken apology.

"Who? No, wait, let me guess… Dumbledore?" I giggle. "Um, Snape? Malfoy?" I stop laughing. "Sorry," she says. I know she hates saying sorry as much as I do. I nod and then smile again.

"James Potter," I tell her.

"He's hot," she says, her way on complimenting my choice. "I just hope you know what you're getting into."

"I know how to handle myself. I can handle my own life and my own problems," I say crossly. I know she's only looking out for me, but I'm tired of everyone treating me with kid gloves and treating me as if I can't handle my own life. I'm not going to put up with it anymore. "And, besides," I continue. "I don't even like him. I just like to make out with him."

We both dissolve into a fit of giggles.

That night, Liz and I get drunk together, fall asleep in her bed in the prefect bathroom, and we both wake up with massive hangovers. But it was worth it.

* * *

Christmas is swiftly approaching. I've spent a few days in Hogsmeade, finding presents for everyone. My mother sent me a little money, but the rest I got from gambling on poker night with the Slytherins and I've saved a lot from the job at a muggle coffee shop I had over the summer. All I need to do is figure out what to get everyone.

I walk through Hogsmeade just thinking about what happened between James and I in the Hospital Wing that day not too long ago. I think about when I made out with James, totally oblivious to anything but my thoughts. I haven't kissed James since then, but whenever out paths cross, we act no differently than we normally do.

It's odd and slightly hilarious that we act this way, but it's all a little too awkward for me and I have never done well with awkward. I used to say that it's the worst thing in the world, but now I know better. Now, I know how to deal with it better.

I asked Liz what to do since she's obviously been in these kinds of situations before and she gave me some very good, very valuable and useful advice. I am to see how James is coping with this discomfort and follow his lead. Otherwise, I am to act like nothing happened between him and me, unless he does something like bring it up first. Liz told me that's definitely easier said than done, but it's not impossible. I hardly ever back out from a challenge and so I take this possibility and work hard at acting to James like I had before we made out.

Not noticing where I'm going, I run into someone, causing my bags to fall on the snow-covered ground.

"What the fuck! Watch where you're going," I say rudely for now I am covered in wet, drippy snow and so are my bags. I'm beyond pissed. Everything I just shopped for has to be ruined now. What kind of person doesn't look where they're going?

That's rhetorical.

"Wow, what a bitch," the person says, helping me up.

"Excuse you! I hardly think that you knocking me down on the ground makes _me_ a… James, you're an asshole," I say, smiling when I realize it's James. I push the hair from my face and brush off my robes. James picks up my bags and I mutter an angry 'thanks,' for I've always hated taking help from anyone.

We stand there a moment, the awkwardness seeping in. Deciding that I don't want to pick this up, I sigh.

"I've got to do more Christmas shopping," I say, turning to walk away. "I'll see you."

I leave before James gets a chance to say anything. 'Keep them guessing,' is Liz's number one tip on guys. I swear she can write a book on this and make millions.

By the time I get back to the castle, I've bought a beautiful robe for Lexi, a book on quidditch for Karly (she's on the Gryffindor team), and a magical friendship necklace for Liz.

Magical friendship necklace are different that muggle friendship necklaces, obviously. The magical one I bought for Liz comes in a set of two, and it's in the shape of a heart. Hers has her initials on it and mine has mine on it, with a few diamonds on the hearts. They're lockets and when you open them, you can see what the person with the matching heart necklace is doing at anytime of the day. It's an amazing concept, really, because not only can you see what the person is doing, but on the other side of the inside of the locket spelled out is the emotion or emotions the person is feeling. It's a connection thing more than anything, and it isn't as if Liz and I need to become more linked, but I love the idea of these necklaces and I know that she will too.

It might seem selfish that I bought myself a necklace too, but I feel that I have been good lately and I need to reward myself. Plus, all the shit I've been going though has driven me into my own personal 'shopping therapy,' as I call it.

Notice, I don't get anything for my family. I know they won't get me anything. They haven't in a few years and it isn't something to complain about. I don't care anymore, but I'm not going to spend any money or useless thoughts on people who don't feel the same way about me, and who don't deserve it.

I won't shop for the Marauders either. I don't feel that I'm close enough to them to buy them presents and I don't really want to. I feel like it would be awkward to give them presents and, as you know, I hate awkward. I just skip buying them anything.

I also don't get anything for Christine. I have serious doubts that she'll ever be part of our group again, or that I will ever forgive her, so I don't spend my time of thoughts on her; she just isn't worth it. Also, it has finally occurred to me that we had our chance—that she will never be in my life again. And it hurts. As much as I try to pretend everything's okay, it's not. It fucking hurts and for some reason, I care. For some reason, it's slowly killing me. But I still pretend it's all okay. And they just keep falling for all my lies.

Honestly, I don't need her kind of shit polluting my life and it's my goal this year to weed out all the shit and extra baggage.

It's my goal to run away from my problems and lose them along the way.

**A/N:** I made a mistake in this chapter and realized it writing the next chapter of TTT... so it only takes Lily 2 days to get her memory back... sorry! Anyway, thanks, and TTT is coming up this weekend (hopefully?)!

xDreamerx


	7. I Have Faith In Nothing

**Chapter 7—I Have Faith in Nothing**

I awake the morning of Christmas Eve and dress myself. I take extra care in picking out my clothes because it's Christmas Eve and there are certain things I have to make sure I hide. I put on a red long-sleeve shirt and a black skirt that bows and strings hang off. I'm wearing red—I'm trying to be festive. I have to wear long sleeves, of course, so I wear a skirt to make it seem like I'm not hiding anything. I've done this so long that I know all the tricks, but I guess that's nothing to be proud of. I re-painted my fingernails last night since the black was chipping off and to finish it off, I wear my trademark red and black bracelets and big black combat boots.

I let my hair down and decide to curl it, just to try something different. I want to feel pretty for at least one day. Plus, taking so long to ready myself and looking extra special makes it seem like I have nothing to hide as well. Yeah, I know how to conceal things far too well. To finish my hair, I put a black ribbon in it, tied in a bow.

For make-up, I wear my trademark crap. Over the summer after fourth year, I had bought some black make-up to try it out since I was changing into such a darker person. I love the way I look in it and I've worn it everyday since. I can't go a day without it. I just feel naked.

So, my 'traditional crap' is black eye shadow and black eyeliner rimming my eyes. Jet black mascara tops it off and a simple chapstick on my lips. I guess it's dark and depressing, but dark and depressing is just me.

As soon as Lexi and Karly are ready, we start to walk down to lunch. While walking, we run into the Marauders who are also walking to lunch. Our group, for some reason, decides to walk with the Marauders, and head off to the same destination, _together._

As far as James and I are concerned, we've had several more 'encounters' and we're becoming pretty good friends. Well, friends with benefits, but friends nonetheless. I truly do love him as a friend, but I also love making out with him, and I feel like he feels the same about me.

While walking to the Great Hall, a voice calls to us from behind our backs. Simultaneously, we turn and it's funny the way we all wear identical scowls. I would have laughed if I wasn't so busy scowling. Of course, it's an insult and it's aimed at me. Who else gets this shit thrown at them left and right?

"Hey, looks like the mudblood's better," Malfoy sneers. Christine is, once again, hooked to his arm, but she's in horrible condition. She's pale, horribly skinny, and looks as if she hasn't eaten in days.

The sight of Christine alone makes me break my scowl and I can't help but laugh at her appearance. Christine is someone who is obsessed with the way she looks, and she has really let herself go. It's hilarious, but at the same time, I feel a twinge of guilt for laughing at her.

"Fuck you, Malfoy. If I were you, I'd be paying more attention to Christine than you are. Have you seen how shitty she looks? No offense to you, of course, Christine. But, just look. She's pale, skinny, and… just looks like horrible. Now, if you paid the same attention to Christine that you do to Liz, then maybe Christine would be in better shape, and you'd be happier too because you'd be getting fucked a lot more from her since it's pretty obvious that Christine will open her legs to anyone who pays her any attention," I say, smirking at the way I leave everyone in the corridor gaping.

I smile as I see how my comeback is affecting Malfoy and Christine. If Christine wasn't clinging to her beau, she looked as if she would've attacked me and Malfoy stands there, mouth agape, nothing to say.

"Go to hell, mudblood," he says. Good comeback, is all I can think, but there's more he has to say. "Have you seen how fucked up you look? Honestly, look who's talking. You're so pale that the snow is darker, you look dead all the time, that shit you wear on your face makes it look worse, your bones stick out everywhere, and it's so painfully obvious that you hate yourself so you abuse yourself because of it. Fucking slut. It's actually a good thing you abuse yourself. You deserve it. You're a worthless piece of shit and you deserve everything you get. You _should_ hate yourself. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't."

"Oh, and by the way, _Lily_? You always looked like shit. You're just a good-for-nothing piece of shit. You're worthless and you'll never amount to anything. Why do you even try?" Christine says. "Oh, are you going to cry now? Did I hurt your feelings? Why don't you just go kill yourself? The world would be better off without you. I hope you go kill yourself."

I look at the ground as tears form in my eyes. I can feel everyone looking at me, waiting to see what I'm going to do. The worst part of it all is that they're right. And now everyone knows my issues.

They're right—I _do_ look fucked up. I can see it. I hadn't noticed how I gradually became this way, but now I see it. I look…_dead_. I don't know how, but Malfoy figured it out. I _do _abuse myself and I can't help wanting to kill Malfoy for letting everyone know. They're right—I'm worthless. I'm good-for-nothing and I won't amount to anything.

As I look up from the ground, a tear escapes my eye and trickles down my cheek. Everyone looks at me. I start to get dizzy. The world spins under my feet and everyone turns blurry. Before I know what I'm doing, I lunge at Christine knocking her to the ground.

James jumps at Malfoy, knocking him to the ground. And a battle between good and evil breaks out and I'm not sure which side I'm on.

I don't even see Christine, I just feel her. I feel myself pinning her to the ground and punching her, blindly. Tears blur my vision and I feel them cascade down my cheeks, but I keep on hitting her.

All the sudden, Christine pushes me off her and slaps me. I feel a cut forming on my cheek. I feel the blood seeping down. This only makes me fight harder, work harder to kill her. I know it's only seconds before I lose it completely and reach for the knife I keep in my bag. I know it's only seconds before I actually try to kill her. I just want her dead. How dare she tell everyone my issues? I'll make her forget she ever thought of doing it; I'll make her wish she were dead.

I don't know what's going on around me; all noises blur together and I don't understand any of it. All I can hear is my mind—make her bruise, make her bleed, make her suffer. Make her wish she were never born, make her take it all back, make her plead for death.

It's not long before Christine slaps me again and then she gets smart and kicks me in the stomach. She kicks me again and again. One more time she tries and I grab her foot, pulling it out from under her. She flies to the ground and her head hits the floor hard. I see it bleed and laugh, pinning her again and hitting her.

All of the sudden, I'm swinging and not hitting anything. I push the hair from my face and see Christine cowering on the floor. I can barely tell it's her. She's bruised and bleeding and the sight of her makes me cry.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and I can only hear her curse my name and everything that I am. "I'm sorry!" I say again, but it comes out strangled by my sobs.

I turn to see who's holding me and it's Remus. I turn to face him, bury my face in his chest, and cry while he hugs me tightly, trying to reassure me, but not knowing where to start.

Fast forward to two hours later in Dumbledore's office. Madame Pomfrey had looked over Lucius because of the fight he and James had gotten into—Malfoy was perfectly fine, just a few bruises and a bloody nose. I'm more than relieved to find out that Christine is fine. She got a broken nose, a lot of bruises, a black eye, and a bloody lip, but it was all easily fixed. James had nothing wrong with him—only a bloody lip, which he cleaned himself.

Madame Pomfrey wouldn't even look at me. She refuses to take care of me, but I have nothing wrong with me anyway. I know there's a long cut on one of my cheeks, there are bruises on my stomach from being kicked, and bruises line my arms under my sleeves, but I can't even look in the mirror. James tells me there's nothing wrong with my face except for the cut. I wish more was wrong with it.

James and I sit in chairs in from of Dumbledore's desk. James holds my hand because I grabbed his hand first. I need something to hold on to. I squeeze his hand and he doesn't mind. He squeezes mine back. Dumbledore paces. I have never felt worse in my entire life.

I'm getting it worse, I know. I hurt Christine more than Malfoy was hurt. Tears brim my eyes and my vision turns blurry.

"James," Dumbledore starts. "Fifty points will be taken from Gryffindor for this and you will receive detention every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for one month with Mr. Filch. You may leave."

James gives a curt nod at Dumbledore, gives my hand a final squeeze, and stands to leave. Only when the door shuts does Dumbledore begin to speak. He can't even bring himself to look at me.

"I am disappointed in you, Lily. I thought better of you. I'm not going to lecture you or tell you how saddened I am by this fateful event because you know it was wrong. I'm just going to tell you your punishment. Fifty points will be taken from Gryffindor and you will have two months of detention with Professor McGonagall. Also, I'm sorry to have to do this, but you are hereby stripped of your prefect badge."

I can't believe it. I have grown to love my badge and I don't know what to do without it. I don't know where I belong without it.

"Is there a possibility to get it back?" I whisper without thinking.

"Anything is possible," Dumbledore replies, but he says this with sorrow which makes me not want to even try to have it returned to me.

I absentmindedly take the badge from my bag and place it silently on Dumbledore's desk. The Headmaster's back is to me; he won't look at me.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, but I know he hears. I silently leave, but not before tears have their chance to sprint down my cheeks.

Outside his office, I lean against the door and sob, After a moment, I wipe my eyes and walk towards the prefect bathroom. I tell it the password for the last time and find it surprisingly empty. I sob. Liz isn't here when I need her.

Stealing the remaining alcohol and pills from the room, I stuff them in my bag and proceed to the Astronomy Tower, glad I have my knife with me.

As I enter the Tower, I smile at its emptiness. Sitting on the edge, I grab a bottle and down half of it in one gulp. Then I reach for the bottle of pills and swallow half of its contents, one by one. I suddenly feel better so I reach for my bag and pull out my knife.

The sight of the perfectly sharp blade and the black handle causes my stomach to jump. I pull back both my sleeves and stare at the scars and old not-yet-healed cuts. I close my eyes and hold the knife to my arm, swiping it past my wrist quickly and deep. I feel the familiar searing as in engraves my arm. I feel the blood run down my wrist. After a few more clashes, my wrist is a sea of crimson water. It runs down like tears and the saddest part is that I can't even cry. I've never been able to cry at times like this.

I finish off the rest of the bottle and swallow a few more pills. And then I start on the next wrist. As soon as I've taken all I can take, I just sit, taking sips of the alcohol, watching the blood run never-endingly.

After finishing a second bottle of alcohol, the blood stops, staining my arm. I laugh at its beauty and then I throw up off the Tower. I wipe my mouth and open another bottle, downing it in a single gulp. I finish off the rest of the bottle of pills and put all my "tools" away before lying on the floor, looking at the stars. It's not long before all the stars go out and I'm plunged into complete and endless darkness.

I don't realize that the alcohol, blood loss, and pills have finally taken effect.

* * *

Days later, I find out from Remus that it is days later, I awake. It's all black. It hurts my eyes. I can't look at it. I'm trapped in a black box, no windows, and no doors. Just blackness. Just emptiness.

I roll around in the bed I'm lying in, feeling as if I'm strapped down. I feel like I can't move and the darkness is the searing pain I've always wished my knife would give me. I hear my name being called and I try to answer.

"I'm blind!" Is all I can say and I feel hands holding me down. I start to cry. "Please, let me go! Let me go! Please! Please!"

"Lily, please, stop! You're fine! It's me, Remus!"

"Remus?"

"Yeah."

His hands find mine and he holds them for a moment. I struggle, but open my eyes and the blackness disappears. I see a blurry outline of Remus and I don't know where I am.

"Where am I?" I voice my thoughts.

"The prefect bathroom."

I sigh in relief. Finally, something I know.

Remus lies down on the bed with me and holds me. I put my head on his chest and can't let go of him. He doesn't let go of me and I feel safe. I pull him closer to me and hold him tighter.

"What happened?" I whisper.

"Well… um… You were unconscious for a few days. James found you in the Astronomy Tower Christmas morning with empty alcohol bottles, empty pill bottles, and… and blood. What exactly were you trying to do?"

"What do you think I was trying to do?" I ask rudely. I'm so mad at being caught doing all the things no one knows I do. And then quietly I reply, "I was trying to make the shit stop."

"Lily, _why_?"

I don't know what to say. What can I really say, though? So, I say the only thing I can think at the time.

"I'm sorry. No one was supposed to know about all of it."

Remus laughs and I can't help smiling. I feel dizzy and my head hurts.

"Why didn't you guys take me to the Hospital Wing when you found me?" I ask.

"We didn't want you to get into any more trouble that you're already in."

"Thanks," I whisper.

Remus and I stay quiet a long time, just cuddling.

"So, who all hates me?" I say, wanting to know how much damage my Christmas Eve has brought for me.

"Well, I'm pretty sure you're not Christine's best friend right now."

My stomach lurches and I want to cry.

"Sorry," Remus replies. "Lexi and Karly aren't too happy with you for the whole Christine thing and I'm sure that's it."

"Who all knows I'm in here? Who all knows what I tried to… what I did last night?" I ask, finding it's the most difficult thing in the world to utter those words.

"Just James and me, I promise."

"_Please_, don't tell anyone. Please."

"I won't, I promise."

"I'm sorry, I'm a cutter," I say, feeling ridiculous. "Do you want to see?"

"No, that's--"

I lift up my sleeves and reveal my wrists. They're gruesome. I can't believe it. I wince at how horrific they look and Remus gasps. I pull down my sleeves and Remus pulls me tighter.

"Lily, I just don't understand why. You have so many people that care about you. There's Liz… She's your best friend and you're hers. There's James and me! We all care so much about you."

"Yeah, right. No one gives shit about me."

"That's not true."

"It's just so hard. There's so much shit I've gone through and I'm going through so much shit--"

I stop talking as I hear the door open and shut.

"What's going on in here?" I hear and smile as I recognize James making his way towards the bed.

"Oh, don't worry. We're just having sex," I say smiling. Remus laughs.

"Fine then," James says jokingly and makes to walk away.

"Wait, I'm just kidding! Come back!" I say and James walks over, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"How are you?" He asks in a gentler tone.

"I'm good. I'm lying… I'm bad, but, hey, things can't get any worse!" I laugh, but no one else laughs. "Come on! Lighten up!"

"Lily, you've been unconscious the past three days. You kind of tried to kill yourself. I don't really see how I can lighten up," James says.

"Well, she's not dead," Remus replies. "So, we can lighten up about that."

"Right! We should celebrate! Drinks all around!" I say. James and Remus exchange uneasy looks. "I'm just kidding."

Only I'm not.

"I've got to start hanging out with Liz more often."

* * *

Later that day, I escape the Prefect Bathroom and find Liz, giving her her Christmas present. She loves it as much as I knew she would.

Her present for me is a few sets of especially sexy thongs, custom made by a famous French designer, Jacques Janpaul. They played sexy songs when you took them off. I was glad to have gotten something, but slightly skeptical to what someone would think as I took them off. I decided to wear them only when I could take them off when no one was around.

After Liz, I go on a search to find Karly and Lexi. I know this is going to be hard. I'm not even sure if they'll talk to me.

"Hey, guys," I say, sitting next to them at lunch. "Happy Christmas." I held out presents for them.

"Christmas was a few days ago," Karly says and it hurts me so bad.

"I know, but I, um, wasn't around then. I was sort of busy so I'm doing Christmas now."

"Oh, you can fit us in now?" Karly replies.

"It's not like that… Look, just open them please." They don't move or even look at me. "Listen, I'm really sorry about what I did to Christine. I didn't mean to… I just lost my temper. I swear, I would take it all back and would rather have worse done to me. I know it was wrong and I wish it could take it back, okay? I really am sorry… it's just… what they said… Anyway, please take my gifts."

To show they accept my apology, they take their presents from me and smile at me. I smile back and love how it makes me feel to watch them open their gifts.

My Christmas is one of the worst times, but I guess this shows me that something good can come out of the bad. It's not like I believe it. I just like to tell myself things, hoping I can trick myself into believing I'm not lying to myself.

Still later that day, I meet up with James. He doesn't really bring up the whole me trying to kill myself shit so I don't either, but part of me really wants to talk to him about it. Mostly, James and I just talk normally, joking around like we always do. I really love it, but there's a nagging feeling in my stomach that wants it all out and talked about.

"James, thanks for being there for me," I say, not caring if I sound ridiculous and mushy. "Thanks for… saving my life," I say and I think he knows what I mean.

"Well, I'm not going to just leave you there!"

"I know, but still. Thanks."

"No problem," he says.

I smile at James and he smiles back. Then, he puts his arms around me and kisses me. Before I know what's happening, we've crossed the friendship line again and I don't think either of us minds.

Friends with benefits is the best kind of relationship, I always say, and I still can't tell if it's me lying to myself again, or if I've finally gotten the capability of telling the truth.

**Author's Note- **Hey guys... I know it's been like forever... work, summer school, blah... Anyway, heavy stuff in this chapter... sorry about that... I hope you liked it... kind of happy ending, but whatever... Anyways, thanks for reading, now let's do more specific thanks...

Cry Blood Tears- Oh my goodness, thanks so much. Yeah, I don't really buy the perfect Lily either. I mean everyone goes through crap, and I guess it just took her a lot of crap to get where she was? I don't know, but I love my Lily... I hope it's original... I've never seen a Lily like this, of course I don't really have a wide span of FF stories I read... just the few I like that I read over and over again... XD but thanks and keep reviewing!

tricksterbynature- Wow, I am honored that you've done so little reviews and that you've chosen to review for mine! I didn't really think people would like this kind of story... you know how people get... but I'm really glad that people do like it and are actually reviewing for it! oh my goodness, thanks so much about the kiss! I feel like sometimes I really don't know what I'm doing! I don't know how you describe a kiss unless it's in the middle of it! Even then... I don't know! And yeah... maybe a little peak into her past? I'm planning on eventually having it all explained... maybe when she gets closer to James she'll tell him or something... I don't know... I'm just kind of taking it one chapter at a time with an overhanging theme and idea in mind about the story! Thanks for the advice... I had no idea that there was a restriction on my reviews... I don't even think I know how to take it off! XD And yeah, a summary would get more readers... I'm really not good at summaries though! I don't even think I'm very good at writing period! So THANKS SO MUCH for reviewing and I really apreciate advice on helping me get more readers and reviewers! Keep reading!

Zarroc- Oh wow, thanks so much! Sometimes I feel like people don't get the point or anything... but thanks! I don't know about well written... I'm not even out of high school yet! But thanks, I really appreciate it! I don't really think of myself as a very good writer, but reviews like this make me feel SO good about it! Thanks again for reviewing and PLEASE keep reading!  
--So thanks to everyone else and keep reading and reviewing!

xDreamerx


	8. Living Dead

**Quick A/N--**I am quite aware that the dates are all messed up for this story and Two Twisted Teens, since Harry was born in 1980 and I certainly don't intend Lily to have him when she was 16, but I'm too lazy to go back and change them. Plus, I already poseted stuff with the wrong dates and it's such a hassle and takes so much time to go back and change all the dates... so, I'm acknowledging this mistake!

So, read on! Thanks!

**Chapter 8—Living Dead**

I'm a walking, breathing, barely thriving corpse. I'm dead, only I'm alive. I'm the living dead. This crudely honest thought is the single one every other thought centers around these days. I'm incredibly embarrassed at being seen because of the way I look. I know people are staring; I know they're talking and they're not saying anything good.

But, I know they're right. I'm beyond pale and I don't know why. For once, I'm scaring the shit out of myself.

I get enough sleep, I swear. I eat, I promise. I'm just so little that I can't eat three meals a day. I just can't figure out why I look deathly ill and it's really frightening me.

I'm still mostly in my depressed stage, but I haven't hurt myself since everyone found out about it. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I need to, but I can't seem to get away long enough to inflict the internal pain upon my outer self. I guess that's a good thing, though, because I think it's a well known fact that I'm not safe with my thoughts. Yet, I feel like I'm constantly swarmed and I think that's the point. It's like they have to take care of me, since I obviously can't handle myself. It's like I'm a child and they have to hold my hand through the forest at night, only I'm fifteen and the forest is life.

Winter vacation has been dragging on forever. It's the kind of dragging when you break your leg and you don't go to a doctor because you don't believe you're injured and you can 'handle it' by yourself, but it only gets worse to the point where it kind of lugs behind you when you walk. Or the kind of dragging when you have a little dog and you take it for a walk, only it's so little that you end up pulling it the entire way. Or when you have a really huge dog and it ends of taking you for a walk. That kind of dragging.

And, yes, I'm aware that I'm rambling to avoid the issue.

By the time New Years Eve rolls around, I'm sure I've been dragged kicking and screaming since November.

I'm really starting to get annoyed by the balls at every holiday. I mean, do I need another reminder that I'm all alone? Personally, I think it's unnecessary and slightly ridiculous.

In case I haven't mentioned, Liz and Charley are on a 'break.' What this means, I haven't a clue. It was Liz's call, really; she wanted it. They still fool around, apparently, but they fool around with other people too, so I guess that's what a 'break' means. The reason Liz wanted this is because she can't stay tied down, which I completely understand. I get that way too. Also, she has strong feelings for Charley and I know she needs to see what else is out there before she commits to anyone for the first time in her life. I understand, and as far as I can tell, Charley does too. He's taking advantage of the break in the same way Liz is.

James and I have stopped 'fooling around,' if that's what you want to call it. He's finally obtained a real girlfriend and so he has no need for games like me anymore. Her name is Ashlee something, though I could honestly care less what the hell her name is. All that I can think about the slut is that she took James away. Not that I want him. I just… He's a good kisser and everyone could use that. I don't fancy him or anything. He's just fun.

Karly is still dating that Adam guy. He seems pretty okay, but I have a bad feeling about him and I can't explain why. You see, whenever I meet someone for the first time, I know immediately whether I'm going to like that person or not. I know who they are, what they want, and if they're good. I have never, and I mean _never_ been wrong, and yes I am aware that I must sound at least slightly insane.

With Adam, though, I really do have a bad feeling. I don't like him; I don't think he's good and for some reason, I don't think he has good intentions at all. Of course, I can't tell Karly that I hate her boyfriend; that's just not done. So, for once in my entire life, I'm keeping my mouth shut and I hate it, but if it's for Karly's benefit, I guess I don't really mind. I'll just have to keep a close on him.

Keep your friends close. Keep your allies closer. Keep your enemies the closest.

Lexi is doing okay, I think. I hope. She's single and making friends that are… friends that are more like who she really is. I like to think that she's doing alright, over the grieving process, if you will. At least as much as she can be given the amount of time that has passed. I still keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't wander too much. I know what the bad kids are like. Hell, I _am_ part of the bad kids and I know a girl like Lexi would never survive with my friends. They'd chew her up and spit her out, cursing her along the way. I just want to take care of her, since taking care of myself, I've realized, is a lost cause.

Karly is also making some jock friends and spending most of her time with them. I feel like we're all splitting in opposite directions, but in the back of my mind, I know it's for the best. I'll never lose them as my friends, at least I hope I won't, no matter how different we're all becoming. I have my new Slytherin friends as well, at least the ones who are willing to look past my Gryffindor state to the dark, sadistic person I am inside.

And now that New Years Eve is here and there is the ball looming in the near future, it's the worst time ever because everyone has a date except for me. James is going with his new girlfriend and I'm starting to wonder if she's just an excuse to not be alone at the time for the New Year's kiss. Sirius has a new flavor of the week, some blonde chick. Karly is with Adam, Lexi is with some Hufflepuff friend that I don't know, and Liz is going with some really hot, really rich Slytherin. Even Peter has a date! What is the world coming to when Peter Pettigrew has a date and I don't?

One of my Slytherin friends, Ross, said he's take me, but I declined. It's always fun hanging out with him, but I don't really want to go and I think that going to a ball that's supposed to end in a kiss would be awkward and just confuse things. Also, I'm still recovering from my intentional near-death experience and I'm so sick of balls it's not even funny. I promised to spend the whole day with Ross tomorrow instead, so he's taking a different friend to the ball. I feel bad about rejecting his proposal, but I really don't believe I have it in me to gag down some unwanted food, dance amongst the happy couples, and go to bed alone, feeling no contentment from the night.

So, I watch Liz get ready in the Slytherin girls' dormitory, receiving several dirty looks, but they know not to mess with Liz even when her wand isn't in reach.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself," Liz says smiling. "It'll only make you look pathetic. I know you don't want that."

"Damn it. How do you know me better than I know myself?" I ask. Liz smiles and shrugs.

"It's mutual. You know me better that I know myself, too."

I flop down on Liz's bed, taking in the scent on the pillow as she carefully removes her Hogwarts clothes and slips into a dazzling deep blue robe. The robe fits tightly to her perfectly shaped figure and I smile, thinking about how much fun she's about to have. She catches me smiling and manages a similar look back.

"These robes look terrible on me. I wish I looked good in them. They're terribly gorgeous. If I could only lose a couple of pounds," she ponders modestly, but we both know she looks incredible.

With a swish, her Hogwarts clothes disappear and it's time to put on her make-up. I stand quickly, dying to take part in her getting ready. I wait behind the chair she sits in, in front of a mirrored table. She takes out her make-up and I run my hands through her perfect hair, trying to decide what would look best.

Liz applies her make-up expertly and by the time she finishes, I'm done with her hair. Her eyes are done in a deep smoky outline and it's the lightest make-up I've ever seen on her. She normally displays her face similar to mine. We used to joke that it was deep black to match our hearts. Now I wonder if it's true.

Blush tints her naturally rosy cheeks and mascara elongates her already never-ending eyelashes. A slightly pink shimmer lipstick highlights her lips and I've done her hair in perfect ringlets.

Liz smiles a sincere smile at me—a look reserved only for me, her best friend. I smile in return and Liz sprays a touch of perfume over herself. The smell is intoxicating as she buries me in a hug and I don't want to let go. Finally, she lets go and kisses my cheek. As she pulls away, I see the glimmer of a chain from the locket I gave her for Christmas. She never takes it off, just as I've never taken off mine. It's like were linked constantly. I manage a smile and kiss her cheek in return.

"I love you," I say. "Have fun. Owl me when you're… when you're done with your date." I can't help laughing as she catches the words I almost said. "He's really hot so have fun and use protection."

Liz presses her forehead against mine and looks me in the eye, a smiling twinkle in her eye, though she is no longer laughing.

"Duh, I always do. What the fuck do I want a kid for?"

"And don't worry about me," I say, trying to sound convincing. I don't think she buys it, but she knows me well enough to realize that if she started to feel sorry for me, I would start to feel ever sorrier for myself.

"Okay," she replies, eyeing to determine the level of the risk she's taking by leaving me here by myself. "I love you. Don't do anything stupid," she adds as an afterthought.

"I love you, too. Now, leave! Your date is waiting! Owl me and I'll meet you so you can tell me how the sex was."

"Will do, honey. See you," she says as she takes a step towards me and gives me a hug. For an instant, I wish I could make up an excuse to keep Liz here longer, but instead I force a smile and pretend that it doesn't bother me that I'm spending yet another holiday alone. I decide that her night doesn't have to be ruined just because mine is.

As I sit on Liz's bed, I open my book and thankfully find myself getting lost into a make-believe world. That's the thing about reading: I always lose myself in the fiction, forgetting, if only for an instant, that life isn't like the fantasies, that it won't all turn out all right in the end. After what seems like hours, I check my watch and confirm this belief; it's almost the new year, 1980.

Suddenly, I feel a shiver of something that feels like loneliness. I can't help feeling rejected by everyone I love, and even those I don't love. Everyone is paired up and I'm just alone, still. I feel like everyone is going places and I'm staying right here. It's a new year, and I'm still in the exact same place.

As I close my book, I begin to count to myself, feeling slightly ridiculous, but not letting that absurdity ruin my favorite tradition—the countdown.

"10," I begin, my voice a slight whisper. I hadn't noticed the thick coating in my throat caused by the beginnings of tears. "9."

Honestly, who spends New Years Eve by themselves? I've never even kissed someone as the clock strikes and the thought alone makes me feel lonely and, somehow, unnecessary.

"8… 7…"

I mean, I hate the fact that people can live without me. It feels like everything is falling into place for everyone else when I'm not in their lives.

"6… 5…"

When everything is falling apart for me, everything is fitting together like a puzzle for everyone else. My puzzle is a jumbled mix and I don't even have the picture to tell me what it's supposed to look like.

"4… 3…"

And suddenly, I turn the blame from everyone else to myself. It's my fault I'm having the worst night. I dig my own grave and bury myself in it. And the funny part? I keep falling for it each time. The even funnier part? I keep tricking myself into walking right into it, walking into my dug grave, that it's not even a surprise that I'm my own gravedigger.

I'm such a pro by now.

And I hate myself. I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. I hate myself for not letting myself feel. I hate that I blame everyone. I hate that I blame myself. I hate that I feel helpless and out of control.

"3…"

Tears sprint down both my already wet cheeks and I hadn't known I was crying, let alone what I'm crying for. I am vaguely aware that I've already said three, but I can't remember how long it's been. The New Year might have already come and gone without me noticing.

I start to shake with sobs. I can't concentrate when the one thing I want to say is ONE. I can't breathe, I'm crying so hard.

I want to die.

No, wait. I take that back. I don't want to die. I want to live, really live my life and make the most out of it. I want a new slate, another go. I need another chance to cherish each minute and live in each and every moment of my life.

I need a new year.

"T-Two," I somehow stutter through the sobs, as my mind continues to contemplate the idea of this new attempt at life.

I want an eraser to get rid of what I've done.

No, wait. I don't want to get rid of it. I want to keep my mistakes; I love them; I need them. I want to embrace them. I want to learn from them.

I don't want to regret them. I don't want to live in the past anymore, things I could have thought, said, done… I don't want to contemplate the things I did wrong.

And suddenly the thought hits me like a Quaffle: the only thing you can do in the present to change the past will only fuck up the future.

"One. One!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "Happy New Year, Lily. You did it. You didn't fuck it up. You fucking made it to another year."

I didn't think this moment would come. I didn't want it to come, but now that it has, I couldn't be happier. I didn't want to live to see this year, but now that I have, I couldn't be more grateful to be alive, to get the chance to simply live. I've never been happier to be me, just me. Imperfect, klutz, bitch, fucked-up, me. That's all.

I get up from the bed as I shiver, but this time from the cold. I decide to walk around the corridors for a while in an attempt to regain some of my body heat. I exit the Slytherin Common Room, immediately feeling a gust of warmth. I wonder if the Slytherins keep their tower cold on purpose to keep their minds on their evil plotting and off getting laid. Except Lucius, that is. I don't think anyone gets more sex than he does, and really, I don't know why. Gross.

As I round a corner, a smile playing on my lips as I realize that even the "goody-goody" Gryffindors get more sex than most of the Slytherins, I hear a scream all the way from the Great Hall.

My heart stops as do my feet, dead in their tracks.

A second passes that feels like a millennium and then I hear my heart beating quicker than ever. I start to run.

As I round another corner, I smack into something that feels like a solid wall and am thrown against the floor by the force of the blow. My head throbs, but I immediately recognize the urgency in whatever is going on in the Great Hall, so I ignore the pain.

"Lily! I was looking for you! I didn't know where you were and you weren't at the ball, and I was worried something happened to you since you weren't there and you'll never believe what's in the Great Hall and because of it I was scared that they got you and killed you and—"

"James! Shut the hell up and help me off the floor!"

"Right, sorry," he says, lifting me easily to my feet.

"Okay, let's take this one step at a time. First, come with me. It can't be safe out here," I say, and I pull James into the Slytherin common room. He eyes me curiously. "Don't you see me with Liz? I have a few other Slytherin friends as well, if you haven't noticed. Yes, you're in the Slytherin common room. Big Deal. Now who is in the Great Hall?" I ask, sitting on a couch in front of the emerald fire glowing fiercely in the fireplace.

"Death Eaters! And Voldemort!" James exclaims, pacing across the room.

"Why?" I ask, more to myself.

"Think about it. Dumbledore loves muggleborns and this is one of the only Wizarding schools that allows muggleborns and half-bloods in. Voldemort hates them and it's his goal to rid the world of muggles. He only wants purebloods."

"But, that doesn't make any sense. Voldemort isn't pureblood," I blurt out before I can stop myself. I am aware that it's not a known fact that Voldemort isn't pureblooded, but I discovered it one night when Liz got drunk and mentioned that she was told by a Death-Eater-In-Training here at Hogwarts. Of course, she wouldn't reveal who it was because, despite Liz's closeness with me, she is still a Slytherin and they take each other's secrets to the grave, much like Gryffindors, but they're a lot darker secrets.

"What? How do you know that?" James asks, his eyes widening and feet stopping dead in their tracks. I scrambled my mind for a lie.

"I read it in a book," I come up with, realizing that it's believable because I'm rarely seen without a book.

"Oh," James says quietly. "You should see the war going on down there."

"Well, we should go help then!" I reply, jumping to my feet, somewhat excited to protect Hogwarts, my home.

"No, we're safer here," James replies casually.

"What? Can you only think of yourself? People could me dying! God, how selfish are you?" I scream at him, not knowing the source of my anger.

"That's how it is in the real world. It's a Hippogriff-eat-Hippogriff world out there. Get used to it, babe. You have to save yourself."

"Do you listen to yourself when you talk? Or is your ego too thick for you to hear anything? It's just in one ear and out the other, right? Well, let me make it clear: PEOPLE ARE DYING! We need to help. Plus, I want to fight Death Eaters!" I am vaguely aware that my tone sounds like that of a two-year-old when I say that last sentence, but I don't care. Had it been under any other circumstances, I know that both James and I would have burst into giggles.

"Well, now is your chance to fight a Death Eater and it is even better because this one wants you specifically dead," a sneering voice from the shadows says. I jump and quickly turn around and James's quick reflexes cause him to immediately raise his wand. I can almost see a curse on the tip of his tongue.

I've always known there are Death Eaters at Hogwarts. I mean, I am friends with a few Slytherins and they've mentioned it a few times, but it's just strange. In a way, I feel betrayed. I feel ganged up on because my Slytherin friends know that there are Death Eaters here and that they want me dead because I'm muggle-born. I sort of feel like it's my own kind going against me, despite the fact that I'm far from being accepted by even a minority of Slytherins.

A gasp escapes my throat as the Death Eater steps out of the shadows and takes off its mask, revealing its true identity. The Death Eater in front of me, wand drawn to point at my heart, is the one person I want dead. At least the feeling is mutual. Can you imagine how awkward is would be if I didn't want him dead?

Oh, yeah. I'm getting off topic again. I have a tendency to do that.

Anyway, the Death Eater is none other than Lucius Malfoy. Big shocker there, huh?

But, it's strange. I've never seen the Dark Mark on Malfoy. True, he isn't my best friend, but I've spent a decent amount of time around him because of the few friends I have in Slytherin and his somewhat obsession with Liz. Still, I've never seen it. And I know that he's dark and violent, but I still never thought he would sign over his life to start a new one of murder.

"But, you're not…" I start, letting my mouth run away with me again.

"Oh, I'm not, am I?" Malfoy replies casually as if we were discussing the weather. He lifts his sleeve carelessly and reveals the mark branded on his forearm. It's still red around the edges and only slightly black in the center. It would be an awesome tattoo if it wasn't the Dark Mark. It was obviously done incredibly recently and it looks terribly unnatural on his unmarked milky white skin.

My eyes widen as I take a step back. Malfoy laughs his unmerciful laugh and I wonder briefly if he practiced it as a kid.

"It was a pity I did not get to finish you off last time," he says, walking towards James and me. "But, I did far too much damage out of anger alone. I have strict orders from my Lord to finish off any mudbloods, specifically you, and kill anyone who stands in my way. But I have no problem killing you. It will actually be quite fun to see you and this traitor suffer." Malfoy is far too close now, only a couch between him and I. "You see, mudbloods dirty up everything. There should only be full-blooded wizards allowed in school, in existence. And that is exactly what the Dark Lord believes. He just lets those ideas turn into actions." Malfoy is so close now that he lowers his voice to a whisper. "So, let's do this and get it over with."

Stupidly, I search my pockets before realizing that I left my wand on Liz's bed. As I run towards the stairs to retrieve it, I'm captured by Severus Snape. Great. More Death Eaters.

Snape holds his wand to my throat as if it were a knife. I try to scream, but Snape holds a hand to my mouth.

"Lily!" James calls out to me, taking a step towards where Snape and I stand.

"One more step at the girl dies," Malfoy says, his wand pointed at James. He turns to Snape only briefly enough to give a curt nod, which Snape responds to by tightening the wand at my throat.

It's only now that I remember that Dumbledore is away. I'm sure that Voldemort sent him that so-called "urgent" message he received. It is said that Dumbledore is the only one Voldemort fears. I now wonder if it is true.

"On the count of three then," Malfoy says, raising his wand a little higher. James nods and raises his wand as well.

"One," James says shooting a quick glance at me.

"Two," Malfoy says, smirking at James.

I bite the hand Snape has at my mouth and he drops it from its place.

"Ouch! She bit me!" He says to Malfoy.

"Snape! She's just a bloody mudblood _girl_! You should be able to handle her!"

I take one leg and blindly kick Snape. My plan works and Snape lets go of me and falls to the ground, holding a place where I have a knack for hitting guys, without meaning to. I laugh at my expertise, kick him again in the same place, and turn to Malfoy. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the proud smirk James wears and I can't help being proud of myself for having defeated the most of a Death Eater by kicking him in the place all girls love. I smirk at Malfoy.

"You couldn't handle me if you tried," I say before running towards Malfoy. Before he knows what's coming, I've knocked him to the ground and I'm sitting on top of him, one leg on each side of him. Malfoy smirks.

"You know, if this were under any other circumstances, I would have no problem with this positioning," he says and it earns him a slap across the cheek from me.

"Prick!" I yell.

"That's a shame that you don't feel the same. Though, I guarantee it's all to keep up appearances. I think that deep down, you really do feel the same," Malfoy replies.

Okay, so he's hot; who wouldn't think so? Just because he's hot and, from what I'm told, an amazing kisser doesn't mean I fancy him or even like him, for that matter. He's such and asshole and that just makes him hideous in my book.

I lift a hand to slap him again, but someone holds my hand back. I turn to see who it is, but James is already on it, tackling Snape to the ground, wands forgotten.

"It really is such a shame that you're going to die tonight," Malfoy says, turning my attention back to him. "It's a pity you have to die like this." He runs a finger over my cheek and it gives me chills. "So young. You know, if you clean up your make-up and eat something once in a while, you would be beautiful. Even for a mudblood."

"Have you forgotten who's pinned to the floor," I ask, thinking he must be out of his mind.

"No, of course not. It's just disappointing how naïve you are."

"What do you mean?" I ask. Malfoy shakes his head at me.

"Lily, Lily, Lily. Do you honestly believe good triumphs over evil? This is real life, remember? And who determines what is good and what it evil, anyway? There is no good or evil. There is only power."

I don't know how he and I became on a first name basis, but he's called me 'Lily' for a while now. Hearing my name come out of his mouth is like hearing someone puke. It just made me want to vomit. It was just unnatural.

I remember that what he has just said is one of the many things that Voldemort has said in an attempt to explain his ways. "There is only power." That's a direct quote, a page taken out of his so-called 'Lord's' book. I wonder when the Death Eaters stopped thinking for themselves and started being mindless killing machines. It's like they don't even have a mind of their own, like they can't do anything themselves, like they're the living dead, just begging to be put out of their misery.

Before I know what's happening, James has stunned Malfoy and he pulls me to my feet. I don't even concentrate on what's going on. All I can do is replay my enemy's words over and over again in my head.

_"Do you honestly believe good triumphs over evil? This is real life, remember?"_

I can't help thinking how true the words are, even if they come from the worst creature I've ever met.

"Come _on_, Lily! They're only stunned for a short while! We have to get out of here!" James says. I snap myself back to reality and run to the girls' dormitory, grab my wand, and head to the boys' dormitory with James as an escape route.

They Slytherin boys' dormitory, besides facing the Forbidden Forest, is a complete mess and has a foul odor hanging in the air. I scrunch my nose up at the smell and knowingly lead the way to the window closest to Hagrid's Hut.

I conjure a rope with my wand and open the window, throwing one end of the rope out. I look up at James.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"I saw this in a movie once," I reply, tying the other end of the rope to the post of one of the beds. I tug on it to make sure it's sturdy and I attempt to push James out the window.

"What the hell are you doing?" James exclaims, hanging on to the curtains for dear life.

"Trust me. This will work, I swear. Just use the rope and climb down."

James eyes me carefully, not knowing what to do. Should he trust the psychotic, permanently fucked up Lily Evans or take his chances finding his own way to safety? Sighing, he takes a deep breath and pulls me into a tight hug.

"Whoa, there. What are you doing?" I ask, pushing James away from me. It's always been weird to hug him since we used to be arch enemies and then "fooled around" for awhile and now… well, I don't even have a guess at what we are now.

"Thanks," he says before climbing out the window.

Thanks? Thanks for what?

I shrug and grab my bag, following James out the window. When I reach the bottom, James helps me down and I take the knife from my bag and cut the rope.

"Whoa, do you take that everywhere with you?" James asks, eyeing my knife with distaste.

"Pretty much," I answer laughing.

We run until we're out of breath, until I can't even think straight. We reach Hagrid's Hut, scared to death that we're being followed by Malfoy and Snape. I knock on the door hastily and it opens a few seconds later, revealing the Keeper of Games.

"Hagrid!" I croak, despite the fact that I'm out of breath.

"Lily? James? Come in! I was jus' makin' tea! What happened ter ya two? Ya look like ya seen a ghost!"

Well, not exactly.

I take a deep breath, my throat burning from running. I cover my face with my hands, finally letting myself be at ease, finally feeling safe.

"It's a long story."

**Author's Note--**I AM SO SORRY!!!!!

I honestly don't know what happened. Usually I have a whole boatload of excuses for why I haven't posted in forever, but I've got nothing, except that I probably got wrapped up in my own life and left poor Lily hanging, which we all know is not good to do to her! But, I'm very very sorry! It won't be this long again, I really promise!

Anyway, thanks for reading, yes I've come back from the dead, and I won't even bug you to review because I don't deserve them after making you wait so long (Though they will still be welcomed with open arms!).

So, thanks again, I'm sorry, and go read Two Twisted Teens!

xDreamerx


	9. Life's a Sick, Twisted Freak

****

Chapter 9—Life's a Sick, Twisted Freak

Call me ridiculous, but I feel like I owe James because he _did _save my life, technically speaking. That's twice that he's saved my life this year, once from myself, and now from Death Eaters. It's three times, I suppose, if you count the attack from Malfoy that landed me in the hospital wing towards the beginning of the year.

Dear Merlin, I'm in debt to James Potter. That's a story to tell your kids.

Anyway, I didn't really finish the story of what happened with the Death Eater attack. I suppose I have to finish the story, even if I'm upset with my actions.

We enter Hagrid's hut and Hagrid makes us tea, which seems to calm us down considerably. Hagrid knows about the attack, and I guess he just assumes that James and I were shaken up by it and ran away scared. We don't attempt to set the record straight. An hour later, we are contacted by Professor McGonagall and are told it's safe to go back. James and I walk back in complete silence, and I am still gripping his hand in fear.

We enter the common room and collapse on the couch. For a long time, I just stare into the fire, trying to make sense of this night, trying to put the pieces together logically and get my mind around the fact that it wasn't a dream. After a moment, I rest my head on James's chest, feeling a certain closeness as a result of this night, a closeness I could never achieve with anyone else, even if I tried. Then, I fall asleep.

When I wake, I can tell it's morning, even though it's too early for the sun to be awake. I shift against James's arms and I guess this wakes him up, because when I look up at him, he's staring straight at me.

"Sorry," he mutters, still half-asleep, when he realizes he's smothering me. He lets go of me and I straighten myself out and move to a seated position.

I wring my hands in my lap, remembering my obligation to James. I feel struck with guilt, suddenly, as I realize that James probably has better things to do than watch me to make sure I don't land myself into trouble, gambling with my life. After a moment, I decide I can't take the searing guilt any longer and my debt must be repaid.

"James?" I say, calling his attention towards me. "I know that I'm not the most careful person and that I land myself in trouble a lot. And, well… you saved my life. And not just last night, but… it's been three times so far this year that you have quite literally 'pulled me from the gallows.' You just keep saving my life. Why?"

James looks at me hard for a good minute, as if he's analyzing me. He sighs and shifts almost uncomfortably before responding.

"Well, you do tend to be quite accident-prone," he says, laughing. I smile, realizing it's the truth. "But… I don't know. It's like I've elected myself to keep you safe, as ridiculous as that sounds. It's almost as if I know it's not your time to go, that you still have more to do. I feel obligated to help you because…"

"Just say it," I say, knowing what was about to come out of his mouth.

"Well, let's face it: you really can't take care of yourself, and when you do, you don't do a very good job at it."

"I know," I reply looking at the floor in shame. "Well, um… What I mean to say is… Damn, I'm no good at this… Um, thanks, James. Thanks for being my savior." I look up to see James smiling.

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"Well," I begin, knowing this can't have a good outcome. "It would seem that because you saved my life, I am in debt to you."

"Oh, really?" James comments quietly, inching closer to me. Soon, I can feel his breath on my cheek.

"Yes," I reply, suddenly sounding breathless. I turn to face him, my lips just inches from his. "So what do you want?"

With a careful hand, James pushes some of my hair from my face and crosses the inches between us in a millisecond, pressing his lips on mine. My eyes flutter shut and I feel as if I've just been reunited with an old friend. All the familiar feelings begin to come back because kissing James isn't something new.

Yes, I am quite aware that he has a girlfriend. I know this is wrong and that I don't want to be _that girl._ But, on the other hand, _he_ kissed _me_. If he wants to cheat on his girlfriend with me, there's nothing I can do about it. If he's going to cheat on her, there's obviously something wrong in the relationship.

I know, I know. I sound like a terrible person.

"Wait," I say, pulling away, but breathing heavy. "What about Ashlee?"

See, I'm a good person, right?

"It's over. I dumped her a few days ago."

Oh. I guess I never got the news that Wonder-Boy dumped his Wonder-Girl.

In that case…

I kiss James back, putting my arms around his neck to pull him closer. This time, he pulls away from me and it makes me mad. Why doesn't he want to kiss me? I think I'm insulted. I feel, again, like maybe he's using me. Maybe he just wants someone to fool around with. Maybe he doesn't care about me at all.

Story of my life.

"Wait, wait," he says. I cross my arms, harden my expression, and look at the floor. "I'm sorry, I'm just starving." I can't help smiling. Typical James.

"Me too," I respond, grabbing his arm and dragging him in the direction of the kitchens.

* * *

An hour later, James and I emerge from the kitchens. I suddenly realize, as I looked at my watch, that I don't have classes today. Students won't be coming back from the winter holidays until tomorrow. What in the world am I going to do to fill that time? I somehow want to be alone, but don't think it's a very good idea. Plus, given James's speech about my apparent lack of concern for my own well-being, I doubt James would let me be alone. I decide to give it a try anyway.

"Well," I begin. "I have some homework to catch up on, so I'll see you later."

"What?" James asks, looking at me as if I had just proclaimed my love for the giant squid. "Lily, it's winter vacation. There's no way I'm letting you do your homework."

Just as I suspected.

"Well, then what are we going to do?"

James ponders this a moment before responding.

"Want to go to the prefect bathroom? We can swim or something."

"One second," I say, opening the locket around my neck, checking to see if Liz is occupying the Prefect bathroom. "Okay, let's go."

We're oddly silent walking to the prefect bathroom. I think that we're both not too sure what to say. I hate the silence. I hate it more than anything. I start to hum a muggle song to myself.

"What are you doing?" James asks, looking at me as if I'd just proclaimed my love to pickled artichokes, never mind that he probably doesn't even know what an artichoke is.

"I'm humming, is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, it's just… you're so weird."

"Thanks," I reply, continuing with my song.

"What are you humming anyway?"

"It's a muggle song. You wouldn't know it."

We're quiet for a long time.

"James, do you know what an artichoke is?" I ask.

"What?"

"An artichoke. I was just thinking… have you ever heard of one?"

"No, I don't think so."

Just as I thought.

We finally arrive at the portrait for the prefect bathroom after what seems like an eternity of silence. I whisper the password, careful not to let James hear. The portrait swings open and I am greeted with the vaguely familiar smell of the prefect bathroom. It reminds me of all the times Liz and I spent in here; I almost feel guilty allowing James into our space, but I rationalize it with reminding myself that Liz brings guys in here all the time.

"Okay, there are extra bathing suits in this closet," James tells me gesturing.

"How would you know all this?"

"Let's just say I come here a lot," James replies, smiling. I can't help but be disgusted. Once again, I feel like maybe James doesn't care about me at all. Why else would he bring me to the place he takes so many other girls? "So, I'll get dressed in this back room," James continues, "and you can get changed here, I guess. I'll knock before coming in to make sure you're done. Sound okay?" I nod and James disappears behind the door of the back room.

As soon as I hear James lock himself in that room, I lay on the bed, thinking about how much fun Liz and I used to have in this room. I pull the covers over myself, wondering how different life will be outside the safety blanket that is the walls of Hogwarts. I suddenly feel extremely protective of my home and the precious time I have left here. I don't want to grow up and leave. I want to stay like this, stay here, forever, stuck in this time where life is as simple as waving a wand. I want to remain in this place where life can't creep up and slap you in the face. Because, very soon, life would do just that to each and every one of us. I just want to stay in the one place I know will be unchanging because soon, life will contort people's images and even personalities, making them cold and cynical.

Damn, life's a sick, twisted freak.

* * *

I stir under blankets and my eyes shoot open immediately. I don't remember falling asleep last night. I look around and I'm in the prefect bathroom. Okay so I must have fallen asleep when I was with James. I look around. Then… where is James?

Finally, I spot him, only… he's taking a bath in the bathtub. I quickly pull the blankets over my head straight away in an attempt not to see more than I've already seen. I know I'm blushing redder than a tomato.

"Uh, James? What are you doing?" I ask, still under the blankets.

"I'm taking a bath. That's generally what you do in a bathtub."

"Well, why would you take a bath when I'm here?"

I hear James walking closer to me. I hope that he remembered to put clothes on.

"Lily, look at me," he says.

"No! You're naked!" I say and I can't help feeling ridiculous saying it aloud.

"Lily," James says, pulling the covers off me. "Open your eyes."

Slowly, but carefully, I open my eyes, wondering what James is doing. Oh. He's not naked. He's standing before me, soaking wet, in swimming shorts. Could I feel any more stupid? I don't think it's possible.

"Oh. Sorry, it's just that you're taking a bath and people generally take baths naked and yeah… Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," James replies, grabbing his wand to dry himself magically. I stretch and ask him what time it is.

"It's noon," James tells me.

"What?" I yell, jumping out of bed. "How can it be this late? I've missed breakfast and lunch starts now and I have to get ready for the day and that'll take at least an hour and everyone will wonder where I've been and _I can't believe you let me sleep this late!_"

"Me? You're the one that was sleeping. You looked so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you up."

"Yeah, well you should have. Fuck!" I yell, remembering that I made plans for today. "I forgot about Ross! He's going to kill me! I've got to go!"

"Wait, what? Who's Ross?"

"I have to go!"  
"No you don't. Just owl this guy and tell him something came up and you'll see him later. In the meantime, stay here with me," James tells me, trying to pull me back onto the bed with him.

"James, stop. No, I have to go. _No!_ James, I'm serious."

Of course, James being about a million times stronger than I am, he pulled me onto the bed on top of him.

"You see now this, I don't mind too much," he says, smiling.

"James, shut up. I have to go."

"I don't think so," he says, still smiling. He reaches his arms around me and holds me in place on top of him. I can't help but laugh at the compromising position. "I at least get a kiss."

"Fine," I say and I kiss his cheek. "There. Now can I go?"

"You call that a kiss?"

"James, I'm serious. Ross will be looking for me. I have to find him before he comes here."

"He won't. He's not a prefect. He doesn't know the password. Now, I believe I saved your life last night and you owe me whatever I want for as long as I want." I rest my elbows on James's chest and put my head in my hands.

"Great time to bring that up. What do you want?"

"I told you what I want."

"Fine. Where do you want it?" I ask.

"Never did I think I would hear those words coming from the mouth of Lily Evans," James replies, smirking.

"You're so mean," I say, smiling but feeling incredibly embarrassed. Leaning down, I give James a quick kiss on the lips, barely lasting a second. "Happy now?"

"Nope. That was the crappiest kiss I've ever gotten."

"Well then, will you kindly enlighten me as to how you would like your kiss so that I may go?"

"I can't explain it," James says and I know exactly what he wants me to say. There's a long pause before I say it.

"Then show me."

Smiling and quicker than lightning, James rolls over so that he's on top of me, pinning me to the bed. As he leans down towards me, my eyes flutter shut, and James's lips touch mine.

If I wasn't pinned to the bed, I would have slid off. James's kisses always make my head spin, but this kiss makes the entire room spin. This kiss is intoxicating and addicting and I feel a hunger for more that I've never had before. Not only is it something familiar, one thing that I've always felt at ease with, but it's as if he can't get enough of me and the thought alone makes me feel beautiful for perhaps the first time in my life.

James's kiss makes me dizzy and I'm not sure where I am anymore. His kiss makes me forget everything in the world and it's breathtakingly refreshing.

I break from James's lips briefly to slip off the sweater I'm wearing. James's hands slip down to the belt on my jeans and he attempts to undo it, while still kissing me. As he successfully undoes the latch, I realize that he has probably done this several times before. I begin to feel self-conscious, but my thoughts are cut short as we both hear the door click open and snap our heads that way.

I cover my face with my hands. It's Liz.

"Oh, wow. I'm sorry." Liz covers her eyes and turns away.

James gets up off me and grabs his clothes, quickly slipping them on. I re-do the latch on my belt and pull my sweater back on. I receive a final glance from James before he slips out of the room, fully clothed.

"Whoops," I say, laughing. Liz walks over to the bed and sits down next to me.

"Were you… Is that your first… Are you and he…"

"Yes, James and I were about to have sex, I guess. That would have been my first time and James and I… I don't know what we are," I reply, still extremely confused about the entire situation.

"Are you dating him?" Liz asks.

"No."

"Isn't he with that ditzy Gryffindor chick?"

"He said that was over."

"I don't think so, honey," Liz replies.

"Why would you say that?" I ask quickly, sitting up in discomfort.

"Because I saw him making out with her in here yesterday."

I can't help my face from falling. Why would James tell me he and Ashlee are over then? I trust Liz with my life and I'll believe her if she tells me she saw a pig flying without magic.

"I'm sorry. I thought you knew."

"Oh, yeah," I reply, attempting to sound sure of my words.

There's a long pause where neither of us knows what to say.

"Do you love him?" Liz asks me.

"No," I answer immediately. "I don't love him."

"You have to be careful, Lils. I don't mean this to sound… In my mind, you _are_ a Slytherin. You're just like me and I believe you to be as cold-hearted and cynical as the rest of the Slytherins. And, well… Guys like him don't fit in our world. Guys like him don't belong with us."

"I have to go," I say getting up, but Liz grabs my arm.

"I'm sorry, sweetie."

"I know," I tell her.

You're always sorry, I want to tell her, but I don't.

"I said I'd go meet Ross. I'm supposed to spend the day with him. Why don't you go find Charley? The room's all yours now." Liz nods and I take this as an okay to leave. I give her a smile, hiding my true emotions and I step out of the prefect bathroom. It's then that I let myself give in and cry.

* * *

I've completely decided to start things with a Slytherin guy who doesn't seem to care about the bloodlines of wizards. He's a friend of Ross's that I met when I left Potter to go hang out with Ross a few days ago. His name is Luke and he's the perfect thing I need to get my mind off matters of the heart because there's not much more than a physical attraction between us. He's like a drug, and I'm addicted to the high of forgetting my problems.

So, I know what you're going to say. "What about James?" James… James can go fuck himself for all I care. He basically used me and he lied to me, and in my book, that's not okay. I hate liars more than anything and lying is one of the only things I can't stand.

Well, despite the fact that I'm one of the best liars there ever was. I'm good at lying. I'm skilled at treating people like shit, remember?

What can I say? I'm a walking contradiction.

After Liz told me that James had never, in fact, ended things with Ashlee, I found Sirius and he confirmed this accusation. Just my luck; no one wants me, again. It's funny that I'm coming to find that what I stumble upon is what I already know.

So, tonight, I've decided to push things with Luke into 'high-gear.' If James wants to mess with me, I'm game. If he's going to play these games, I'm better at them.

I meet Ross, Luke, and Liz in the common room Ross and Luke are completely absorbed in some intense wizarding game, so I sit on the couch with Liz, bored out of my mind.

After a few hours of this, Liz demands to play, but I have a suspicion that it's only to make Luke spend time with me. I swear, she knows me better than I know myself because I haven't even told her I'm interested in Luke.

Luke and I make little conversation as I realize that I know absolutely nothing about him. Soon, we find ourselves forcing topics to talk about and just give in to the whole reason for tonight, the entire reason for Luke and I to even spend time together.

I believe it is the same feeling for every first kiss with someone new. The world stops for a moment as you lean in and hope for the best. Your eyes squeeze shut and as your lips meet, there a bubbling in your stomach at the beginning of what could ultimately be a new part of your life.

I lean into Luke's kiss feeling all of this, plus some emotions I don't want to feel. I feel an almost immediate sick feeling of guilt in my stomach. I feel strange and slightly promiscuous knowing that Luke's good kissing skills are the only reason him and I will ever be together; he will never be more than a person to snog for me.

Luke and I stay on the couch like that for a considerable amount of time. I am snapped out of the reverie Luke has put me under when I hear someone clearing their throat. I break from Luke's lips and meet Liz's eyes.

"I have to go meet Charlie," she says as she leans in to give me a hug. I give her a kiss on the cheek. "Be careful," she warns, whispering in my ear. "He's one of us. Not like you are one of us, though. He's seriously a complete Slytherin."

I wrinkle my forehead in confusion and brush off her words.

"I'll be fine," I respond, a little more coldly than I had intended. Liz eyes Luke carefully before turning her attention back to me.

"Owl me later," she says and walks out of the room.

As soon as Liz leaves, I turn my gaze back to Luke, ready for another session of forgetting my problems. It's like therapy, like I'm confessing my sins and then letting them slip away. I can't imagine how good it would feel to actually sleep with Luke, seeing how it's almost spiritual to kiss him.

"I've got to go to," Luke says after checking his watch. Never much of a talker, I'm surprised to hear his voice. "I have a previous engagement."

True, Luke is a year older than I am and I've never heard him speak much, but I had never imagined him to be such an eloquent speaker. I am actually impressed and it makes him more attractive.

Luke leans down to kiss me once more before he is out of the room. I turn to look at Ross, who smiles knowingly at me. I sigh and lay down on the couch. A moment later, Ross slides on the couch next to me. We both stare at the ceiling, lost in thought.

"What was the matter with you tonight?" Ross asks after a few minutes. "I know you and you're not normally all over someone you just met unless you've had a few drinks in you. What's wrong?"

I cover my face with my hands, remembering the last time I spent with James. _He's_ the reason I'm not myself; _he's_ the reason I'm looking for affection and someone who wants me, if only to fool around with me.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Ross says. This is what I love about him. He always seems to know when to not get involved, while at the same time, I know he genuinely cares.

Taking a deep breath, I proceed to tell Ross the entire story with James, without using James's name. Ross listens intently the whole time and I know he's really interested in what I have to say. That's another thing I love about Ross. If you have him on your side, you have him for life. I have never met someone more loyal.

"…and the thing is, this guy is kind of a whore, but I have a crush on him, I guess and he's told people that he likes me too, but… I don't know what to make of it. I don't know why he acts the way he does and I don't know why he treats me like he doesn't care at all. And I just keep going back to him, even though I keep telling myself he's just using me. So, I use Luke because I'm so angry. If this guy is just going to toy around with me, I'm going to play games right back at him, you know?" I sigh, feeling exhausted by simply hearing the account of my last few days.

"I don't know what to tell you, Lils. It sounds to me like you both don't know what you want," Ross replies, using the benefit of his objective personality.

"Exactly," I respond. "And that's what scares me the most."

* * *

The next morning, I eat lunch with Liz and Ross, both of which wore warning expressions towards any Slytherin who looks like they would approve of me. Just in case I need to evaluate and rationalize these relationships with Slytherins in the future, another thing I love about Ross is that he doesn't even bring up our conversation last night. Not only is he extremely loyal, but he knows when something is a secret and would die protecting that secret. Sometimes it's good to have your natural enemy on your side.

Ross shoots someone a threatening glance before turning back towards me.

"Listen," he says. "There's going to be a back to school Slytherin party this Friday. I know both Liz and I want you to come."

I begin to feel uneasy about this. Yes, I have a few friends in Slytherin, but as far as everyone else is concerned, I'm still a mudblood, no matter who accepts me. I don't want to land myself into another fiasco like the one with Malfoy, and considering that I was attacked by Slytherin Death Eaters just days ago, I'd rather not put my life in jeopardy too soon.

"Look," Liz says, noticing my uncomfortable expression. "As far as I'm concerned, if Lucius Malfoy thinks he can cozy up with the Gryffindors, then you can most certainly come to one measly Slytherin Party. You know Ross and I will hex anyone who even looks at you wrong."

"I know," I respond, because this is the honest truth. Liz and Ross have done an extremely good job of keeping me safe while I'm in their company. It's when I'm away from them that I have to be careful. "But I don't know if I'll be up to it. This whole thing on New Years really freaked me out, not to mention shook my belief in Slytherins. I really don't know that I'll feel safe or even welcomed going to this 'Strictly Slytherin' party."

"Lils," Ross replies, looking determined. "How many Slytherin parties have you gone to? You know it's not a party unless you're there." I'm still not convinced, so Ross pulls out the one card I can't resist. "You know we've got Firewhiskey, right?"

What a low blow.

"Well, maybe I'll make an appearance," I reply after a moment, realizing I'm defeated.

"Perfect," Ross says, smiling. "It's going to be in the Room of Requirement at seven."

I sigh, wondering if I'll regret attending afterwards.

"Can't wait," I reply, hardly enthusiastic. I set my head on the table as Ross and Liz laugh in unison.

* * *

I push open the heavy door of the Room of Requirement and am met with an empty room. As soon as the door clicks shut behind me, the empty room vanishes into another room, where cloaks are strewn everywhere. I head across the room to the door on the other side and as soon as I drag that door open, I'm immediately greeted with heavy music. The room obviously has a silencing charm on it and the room is dark because the only thing lighting it is a few lamps on the walls.

The few couches that lines the walls are filled with either passed out or snogging couples. I struggle to move around the cultivated group of people in the middle of the room and soon spot Liz and Ross discussing some topic furiously, as made evident by the vicious hand gestures, which spilled their forgotten drinks. They spot me instantly and Liz rushes over to give me a gentle hug. As soon as Liz releases me, Ross pulls me into a bone-crushing hug and shoves a drink into my hand.

At one point in the night, I must have had too much to drink and forgotten my plan to stay only a few hours; I stumble into the Gryffindor Common Room near one in the morning and fall asleep on one of the couches. I wake up a few hours later having no idea how I had even made it to the Gryffindor Tower, let alone how I ended up on the couch.

* * *

The next day I wake with a massive hangover and an unclear memory of the previous night. I sit with my Gryffindor friends for breakfast, but don't eat and only put my head on the table, taking careful sips of water. I also can't help feeling that we're sitting entirely too close to James, because there's only one person sitting between us and it's Sirius.

"Alright there, Lily?" Sirius asks as I nurse my head, feeling like it's grown four sizes with the pain. I groan.

"Late night," I manage to croak out. "Too much F-Fi-Fire…"

"Firewhiskey?" Sirius finishes my sentence. I make a face as my stomach lurches unpleasantly at the name of my cause of illness. Sirius just chuckles and turns back towards the rest of the Marauders.

I set my head back down, but raise it again as I hear someone clear their throat behind me. I turn and find Luke, of all people, standing behind me.

"Hey," I acknowledge. "You weren't at the party last night." I can't tell if I'm disappointed or happy about this.

"That's not really my scene," he replies, returning the glares he receives from some of the Gryffindors. "Plus, I had a previously planned engagement."

I'm beginning to notice how Luke and I never quite give each other specifics on our lives. I mean, we don't really know much about each other at all, unless you count the inside of each other's mouths. I somehow feel relieved that he's not trying to make a relationship out of something I'm certain is fleeting. I'm glad he sees me the same way I see him: a snogging partner, and nothing more.

"So," he says, lowering his voice to make the subject sound secretive, but making it loud enough for the Gryffindors to hear. I wonder secretly if he's provoking them. "Do you want to meet up later tonight?"

As soon as the words leave his mouth, I feel ashamed and terrible about myself. Once again, I can't help feeling that no one wants me for anything besides getting in my pants.

"Sure," I manage to reply, feeling degraded.

"I'll owl you later," he says, stroking my cheek once with the back of his finger. I close my eyes and swallow. When I open my eyes again, Luke is gone.

My eyes follow Luke for the briefest instant before I turn back to the Gryffindor table, unintentionally locking eyes with the last person I want to at this moment: James Potter. I can't read his expression, but I find a hint of something that looks suspiciously like jealously. Then again, he only wants to fool around with me, right? I should be happy that I finally have the chance to treat him the way he's been treating me.

I quickly tear my eyes away from James's and stare down at the table in shame because, for some reason, I feel lower than dirt because I know that I'll still go meet Luke later. Like I said, Luke is a kind of therapy and dealing with James Potter, I feel completely mixed up. I don't know why, but treating James the way I suspect he's been treating me is somehow healing; it somehow makes me feel like I am unconquerable and standing up for myself.

And, just for the record, I am aware that I'm a little insane, but if no one were crazy, then the whole world would be fucked up.

**Author's Note--**Yes! This chapter is on time! Go me!

So, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! I really don't have anything else to say!

Masked Denial will be next, but I'm really at a bit of a writer's block with it, so I think it might take me a while seeing as I haven't started it yet. I hope to have it up in a week, but no promises because we all know I can't really keep them. It won't be forever though. I've got a lot of free writing time coming up in the next week, so I'll work hard. I promise that!

Thanks, and keep R & R!

xDreamerx


	10. The Dangers of Strip Poker

**Chapter 10—The Dangers of Strip Poker**

When did I become the kid parents don't approve of? I mean, even when I was labeled a "goody-goody," Liz was my friend that my parents didn't approve of. She smokes, drinks, starts fights, and so on. Now, I've become that person. I've become the bad kid, and in most cases, the "scary" kid. I've become what I used to frown upon. I've become the anti-Lily.

Now, I smoke and drink—two habits I refuse to give up—but I'm working really hard to be the person I was because I know I messed up my life and I need to get it on track. I need to be the Gryffindor prefect with a rebel side that I know is in me somewhere and I won't stop until I find the real me—a mixture between both the Slytherin and Gryffindor sides of me.

As I begin to think about the changes that have been taking place inside of me recently, I can't help remembering the bad things the old Lily used to do. Such as cutting and burning.

Such things can not go unnoticed, I suppose.

I certainly do not want to pick these habits back up when I become the old Lily again, but I suppose it's unavoidable, as is turning into your parents. However, I promised myself a long time ago that I would never become my parents and if I won't hold myself to it, my friends certainly will.

But, I miss the way things used to be. I miss how good I was with everyone and now I know that I've fucked up so badly that things can never go back to the way they were.

And, I'm sorry. I'm just so incredibly sorry that I changed and that I'm not the person I used to be. I miss the old Lily and I miss how okay I was with everyone. Bottom line is, I miss the old days and now I know that I messed up and I can never get the good days back.

Sometimes I wish that things had never changed. Sometimes I wish that I was still the holier-than-thou teacher's pet that I used to be because things were so much simpler then. It was black or white, now or later, right in front of my face, staring back at me. The answers were all there without me having to look for them. Now it's grey, hidden in the distance, never to be decided. Deep down, I know I miss the way things were. I know I miss the Lily that would have rejoiced at the fact of being made prefect. I would have never gotten involved with James Potter, of all people, and I would have never, in a million years, have even thought about getting involved with any Slytherins. Well, besides the whole rivalry thing.

Sometimes I wonder… what if I had never met Liz and I stayed the goody-goody that I was? What if I had never been exposed to the rebel bad ass side of me? What would have become of me? I almost shudder in the thought of it. All my emotions kept locked inside, all the rebellion never to be released… who would I be if I had never turned into the person I am now? And more importantly, would I like the person I was, and would I be okay with it?

***

It has become a ritual for me recently to go to the kitchens every Sunday morning. I take joy in the solitude of the quiet morning and a warm cup of coffee. I sit and allow my mind to wander wherever it might roam, something I never usually allow. It's the only real time I can escape with myself and I need that.

As I make my way towards the kitchen the next day at 6:30 sharp, I have to prevent myself from running to my sanctuary. After the hectic week I've had, I desperately need to reflect and have my coffee time. This time is rescuing me from myself, and I desperately need to be saved.

I tickle the pear on the door, chuckling to myself when it squirms. I grab the handle and push the door open, a smile on my face. The joy melts off my face when I see another student occupying my thinking chair. I immediately glare at the occupant.

"James Potter," I half-growl in anger. James doesn't seem to notice the hostility in my voice because he looks up from _The Daily Prophet_ and smiles.

"Hey," he says, sipping his coffee. I smile weakly and it comes out as more of a grimace. This is all too much. I think I'm going to cry. I feel as if my head will explode if I don't have this personal time, and here James is, monopolizing all my time.

There's a long pause. I sit across the counter from James and the house elves, knowing my Sunday routine, place a cup of coffee in front of me, exactly the way I like it.

"So, how are you and _Luke_?" James asks, trying to sound casual, but failing miserably.

"That's not any of your business," I reply coldly, still angry with him for lying to me about his girlfriend.

"I'm sorry," he replies, not sounding sorry in the least bit.

I rub my forehead—a sign that I'm not okay.

"Look, I don't mean to be a bitch, but can we not talk about it?"

"Fine, whatever."

I sigh and place my head on the counter, trying to drown out the throbbing in my forehead. I open my eyes and look across the counter.

"James, what are you doing here?" I ask, annoyance dripping from my words.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting coffee."

"That's all you want?"

James stands and walks over to me getting dangerously close.

"Well," he says, leaning down to whisper in my ear. I shut my eyes tightly. "I might want some sugar in it." He smiles and turns around to grab the container of sugar. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding in.

"James, what is it we're doing here?" I ask, needing clarification for his actions. "Because I'm not going to be 'the other woman' and all that bullshit. I'm not that girl and I will never be that girl. I need to know what this is before I can decide what I want from you."

"Well, that's a little conceited, don't you think?" James says, smiling. I maintain my seriousness and James sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Well, I've decided to break up with Ashlee. Does that sway you're decision?"

"Why? Why are you going to break up with her?"

"Because… I don't know. It's just not working."

"James, it's me. You don't have to sugarcoat things," I respond, wanting the truth.

"Oh fine. I don't like her anymore. Frankly, I'm getting bored of her. And let's face it: I'm not a relationship person."

I laugh, but then a though occurs to me.

"Where does that leave us?" I ask, not sure which answer I want from James. He walks over to me and tilts my chin up to kiss me. I can't resist, and find myself sinking into his arms. I stand and push him up against the counter. Slowly, James breaks off the kiss and smiles.

"I think that leaves us right about here," he replies, giving me a soft kiss on the lips.

"What does that mean?" I ask, my eyes still closed, inches away from his lips.

"Whatever you want it to mean," he whispers back, leaning in for another kiss. I pull away.

"No, don't be cute. I'm being serious. What is this, you and me? You're obviously not a relationship person, and I am," I say and James snorts out a laugh.

"You, a relationship person? What about this Slytherin guy right now? You can't be dating him. Tell me, Lily, when is the last time you dated someone longer than two weeks?"

I immediately push him away and grab my bag to leave.

"Wait, wait, Lily," James says, grabbing my arm and pulling be back towards him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." James wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a kiss. "Come on, you know me."

I pull away from his lips, but allow him to hold me still.

"I just want to be friends. That's it. Nothing less, nothing more. Is that okay?"

James sighs and lets me go.

"Of course," he says and I smile, feeling like maybe, just maybe, things are starting to fall into place.

***

Valentines Day has snuck up on me. It's like I blinked, and all the sudden, it's tomorrow. Everyone seems to be overjoyed. Frankly, I don't need another reminder that I'm alone.

Everyone is all paired up. James decided to hold on to Ashlee long enough to take her to the ball. Sirius is taking, what else, a girl he's having a fling with. I'm going with Ross, since he wants a break from what he calls "girl drama." Liz is making her first public appearance with Charlie, which is a huge deal for her, but this is not even the most surprising news. The most shocking pairing is Remus and Lexi, going on their first date to the ball.

Like every other year, the halls are plastered with pink and red hearts, and the house elves are following students around, singing them Valentines. It was pretty funny until Ross sent one of them after me.

After dinner, I head to the Room of Requirement where another one of Slytherin's parties are happening. After making my rounds to the few friends I have in Slytherin, I decide that I don't want to be around people. I grab a couple firewhiskeys and shrink them, so they'll fit in my bag. Then, without saying a word to anyone, I walk all the way to the Astronomy Tower.

After I arrive at the top and magically lock the door, I return the bottles to regular size. I crack one open as I watch the sun go down, and I take a long swig, hanging my feet off the edge.

After a few moments of quiet serenity, out of nowhere, an object flies past the tower. I scream out loud and nearly drop my drink.

"Lily?" Comes an unmistakable voice from beyond the railing on the tower.

"You scared the shit out of me," I reply, smiling at James.

"What are you doing here?" He asks. I hold up my bottle.

"Join me." It wasn't a question.

Smiling, James pushes his broom onto my side of the railing, before swinging a leg over and climbing in the room. He runs a hand through his hair and sits down next to me as I hand him a drink.

"So, what are you doing here all by yourself," James asks after taking a long sip of his drink.

"Sometimes you just need to get away, you know?"

"I know."

So, James and I sit in that Astronomy Tower for hours, just drinking and talking about absolutely everything. After quite a few firewhiskeys each, we get onto the topic of our relationship.

"I mean, you're a good kisser, and you know you're gorgeous, but you can be so fucking arrogant. You can be such an asshole," I say, finishing a bottle and throwing it over the edge. The ground is so far down that I don't even hear the glass shatter.

"Oh, come on. This coming from the girl who dated Sirius," James replies, snorting.

"I resent that. Me and Sirius were nothing like you and me. I can never tell the way you feel about me. And I mean, let's face it: I'm not exactly your type, and you're not mine. I have absolutely no idea how we even hooked up in the first place."

"Because I get everything I want," James whispers, leaning in to kiss my cheek.

"Oh, see that's not arrogant at all," I reply, as James lips travel down my neck.

He leaves his mark on my neck, in the sweet spot that makes my knees go weak. Then he travels back up my neck and finally captures my lips in a deep kiss. He wraps his arms securely around my waist, pulling me closer. I quickly cup his cheek with one hand and break off the kiss, but keep him an inch away.

"What about just being friends?" I ask, eyes still closed.

"I don't want to just be your friend. I want all of you," James whispers before pressing his lips back onto mine. I pull away again.

"What about your girlfriend?" I ask, breathing heavy.

"I don't care," he murmurs, his lips pressed against my neck. "I want to finish what we started in the Prefect bathroom a few weeks ago."

And so I kiss him because I'm drunk and it doesn't matter. With the stars and the sliver of a moon, it's romantic. It just seems like the thing to do, and James seems like the person to do it with.

Breaking from my lips briefly, James conjures a blanket and a pillow and we take off our school robes. Now only in my shirt and skirt, James explores the smoothness of my legs while I struggle in taking off his tie. After I unbutton his shirt, he slips it off, and I examine this new area with my hands, while James works on my shirt.

Still locked at the lips, I reach for the buckle on James's pants and slip them off carefully as James begins to explore skin he's never touched before. As he begins to reach under my skirt to slide off my underwear, I break off the kiss.

"Wait, James," I say, breathing heavily.

"What?"

"Well… the thing is… I don't want to be just another conquest. I don't want to be just another girl that you shagged just to see if you could. I'm not a game."

James sighs and moves to lay next to me. He faces me and cups my cheek, turning my face to look at him. He's quiet for a minute before speaking.

"Lily, do you know that you're one of the only people I can talk to about absolutely anything? You're real, and I like you for everything that you are. I like you for everything you're not. I even like you for the things you try to be and fail miserably at. Anyway, the point is, I respect you. You're so much more than just a cheap shag." He kissed me softly on the lips before continuing.

"I'm not going to lie to you, I don't know where this can go. But I care about you."

"Well, I mean, I care about you too, but I'm confused about how I feel about you. And we can't just keep doing this all the time," I say, gesturing to our half-naked bodies.

"Well, you have to admit," James replies, smiling, "we are pretty good at it." I playfully swat James on the arm and can't help a smile from creeping across my face.

"James, I'm being serious."

"Okay, I know. How about this, tomorrow, while everyone is at lunch, we'll set up a little game. And I'll invite Sirius and Remus. It will be a blast."

"Exactly what kind of game are you talking about?" I ask, eyeing James suspiciously.

"It's a surprise," he replies, smiling and giving me a peck on the lips.

"Can't wait," I respond, sarcastically.

After a moment of silence, sitting with James, half clothed, his arm snaked around my naked waist, my hand resting on his bare chest, I had a thought.

"Well… what does that mean for tonight then?" I ask quietly.

"Personally, you've exhausted me with thinking while I'm 'in the mood.' I guess we'll just have to take a rain check on finishing what we started in the prefect bathroom."

I can tell that James is disappointed that I didn't give myself to him, but he respects me and cares too much to force me into it. I smile and kiss him softly.

"Thanks," I whisper in his ear. "Thank you for understanding. Thanks for making it okay."

And for the rest of the night, we sit wrapped in each others arms, watching the starts and talking about anything. We don't even bring up his girlfriend or how much damage tonight has caused to this relationship. We don't talk about friends, or our problems, or the future. And strangely enough, not talking about them almost made them disappear.

***

The next morning, I wake too late for breakfast and too early for lunch in the Great Hall. As I lie in bed, listening to the other girls slowly wake, I nearly forget that it's the one day of the year that everyone has a reason to flaunt their love interest. My thoughts are somewhere else, with James, Sirius, and Remus and the mysterious "game" James us planning for lunchtime. I'm nearly distracted from the looming love ball when all the girls in my dormitory finally wake and start discussing hair and make-up for tonight.

With a disgruntled sigh, I drag myself out of bed, grab a towel, and decide that this is the perfect time to take a shower.

I turn the water on full blast as hot as it will go and step into the heat, smiling as it soothes the pain from lying on the Astronomy Tower's hard floor. A blush creeps up my cheeks at the thought of the previous night, but I shake my head and begin scrubbing my face, as if the soap with somehow clean off the redness.

As I begin to lather shampoo into my hair, I finally allow myself to think about this past week.

The fact that Lexi and Remus are attending the ball together and that I heard about it from James says a lot about my relationship with both of them. If there was anyone out of my old group of friends that I felt closest to, it was Lexi. And yet, here she was, dating one of my good friends and I hadn't a clue about it. Now I'm wondering how good of friends we really are, and if there's even a way for it to return to how it used to be, before change complicated everything.

As I scrub my hair a little more vigorously than necessary, I can't silence the small voice in the back of my head that screams it's my fault. I had run from my Gryffindor friends into the arms of their sworn enemy.

I quickly vow to restore my relationships with them because, after all, they've been with me since the beginning of Hogwarts, since the beginning of my life. I decide to make an appearance at the Gryffindor after-ball party. Now I just have to endure the ball.

As of the moment, the only problem with the ball is seeing everyone claim they're in love for the magic of Valentine's Day night. I know I'll have fun with Ross; I always do. I just don't know how harshly the ball will effect my feeling of being alone.

Of course, I'm not alone, not really. There's always James, who jumps at any sign of my uncertainty of my feelings for him. And while I do enjoy spending time with him, and his kiss still makes me weak in the knees, I just can't accept that I fancy him. It just seems too easy, almost like a trap. It's simply too good to be true that popular James Potter, who shags anything that looks halfway decent in a skirt, has renounced his ways and fallen for a girl like me. It doesn't make any sense.

I shut off the water and grab my towel, deciding that as long as I'm unsure about my feelings for James, I won't give in to him. I can't give him any more than he's already had of me because I'm not entirely sure I'll get it back. And, even as much as I deny it, I can't handle that.

I head back to the dormitory to grab some clothes and notice that most of the girls haven't moved an inch since I entered the bathroom. I had already begun to tune out their mindless ball chatter when I hear one of them call my name. I turn and meet Christine's eyes. Never one for concealing her thoughts, Christine blurts out her question, oblivious to how it will affect me.

"Lily, is that a hickey on your neck?"

My eyes go wide as I run to the mirror and flush as dark as my hair.

"It is!" Christine exclaims as I evaluate the seriousness of the mark. "It looks new too. What were you doing last night? Or should I say, _who_ were you doing last night?!"

I shoot her my nastiest glare as her laugh fills my ears. I groan as I finger the mark, cursing James under my breath.

And I could swear the purple red blob is specifically shaped. I could swear it somehow spells out "JP."

***

I finish getting ready fairly quickly now that I have an incentive. I shoot my reflection one last glance ("that mark on your neck is getting a friend today!") and proceed down the stairs into the common room. I scan the room and spot James instantly.

"We need to talk," I mumble once I reach him. "Alone," I clarify and he smiles, making my heart flutter hopefully. I ignore it.

I drag James off to a quiet corner and he immediately pulls me close to him.

"What are you doing?" I ask, panicking as I attempt to pull myself free from him. "There's so many people…"

"I thought you wanted to _talk,_" James replies, his face pulling into a half-smile.

"Yeah, that's what I want to do. Talk, you know with words and everything." I roll my eyes.

"Oh," he says, dropping his arms from around my waist. He smiles again, completely unfazed. "Well, what's on your mind, Lils?"

"What's on my mind," I reply, struggling to keep my voice quiet, "is this!" I pull down the collar of my shirt, revealing a dark mark that even the heaviest make-up can't conceal. James immediately bursts into laughter. "I don't think it's funny," I continue. "What is this, you branding me? How did you even make it spell out your initials?"

"Let's just say I've got talent. And A lot of practice," James replies, still smiling.

"Ugh, that's disgusting!" I yell, not even bothering to control my volume.

"Aw, come on, Lils. You've got to admit, it's a little funny."

"No it's not! I don't think it's funny that every girl in my dormitory felt the need to discuss every way I could have gotten this! I don't appreciate being made to look like a slut!" I take several deep breaths and have better control of myself when I speak again. "I said I don't want to be just another girl. This is utterly insulting. I don't want to be just another 'loved and lost' by James Potter. You had absolutely no right…"

James lifts my chin to meet his eyes. He's not longer smiling, but his eyes are serious, apologetic. His eyes sweep the now almost empty room once before giving me a soft kiss on the lips.

"Look, I'm sorry, Lily. I thought it would be funny. I didn't mean anything by it." He holds me carefully in his arms and leans down to whisper in my ear. "What did I say last night? You've never been just another girl. I would never want to hurt you. I care about you more than you realize." He pulls me tighter, kissing the top of my head, before pulling away and smiling. "Now, didn't I promise you a game?"

James grabs my hand and tows me through the now empty common room. Lunch must have already started. I'm not hungry again. My stomach has this way of knowing when it won't get food; it doesn't even ask for it anymore.

When James stops walking, I peer around him and see Sirius and Remus sitting at a small table, Sirius looking slightly more smug.

"We've been doing some research," James explains. "About muggles, I mean. And their pastimes."

I raise one eyebrow, looking from James's knowing smirk, to Sirius's mischievous grin, to Remus's apologetically sincere smile.

"They dragged me into this, Lily," Remus says. "I had no idea—"

"The hell you didn't!" James replies, smiling. "Who's the brains behind all our stunts, big or small?"

"Ahem," Sirius clears his throat as Remus opens his mouth to respond. He closes it and lets Sirius continue, recognizing his defeat. "The name of the game," Sirius says, conjuring what appears to be a set of muggle playing cards, "is strip poker."

***

A half hour later, the four of us are still crowded around the small table, me in only my bra and skirt, hastily trying to cover myself up. Remus has lost his robes, shirt, and pants, looking more comfortable than I thought he would in only his red and gold boxers. James has just lost his second game and is now removing his shirt as Sirius, the practiced strip poker player, is fully clothed, making cat calls at James.

As Sirius deals out the cards for another round, I see him eyeing my half-naked body with interest.

"Now there's something only a select few have seen," he says, gesturing to my blue lacy bra. "We're probably the only ones to see this beauty, eh Lils? I'm just disappointed I never got a closer look when we were dating," he jokes, making me blush and roll my eyes.

"Well, I'm shocked at you, Sirius," I reply. "This is probably the first time in your entire life you've been in a room with a girl, fully clothed."

"Don't knock it until you've tried it, princess."

The game is over in ten minutes. I've lost again. I tried to get out of playing; I told then I never could understand how to play. Sirius said that would make it more interesting.

I throw my cards on the table angrily and stand up from the table as three pairs of eyes follow my movements.

"Oi, Lily, I believe that's another game you've lost," Sirius says, smiling and eyeing my skirt. "You know the reules."

"Nuh-uh. I'm not giving you guys any more feebies," I reply, glaring at Sirius, who laughs in return.

I walk to the window and observe the life out there for a second. I know we don't run the risk of anyone walking in and seeing us half clothed. It's one of those rare warm winter days and the entire Hogwarts population seems to be outside, taking advantage of it.

Sighing, I walk over to a couch by the fire and make myself comfortable, not even bothering to put my clothes back on. I vaguely hear the three of them mumbling to each other, but I close my eyes, the weight of this week hitting me all at once.

"Lils, me and Remus are going to get some food in the kitchens. You want?" Sirius asks. I shake my head, keeping my eyes closed.

"Make sure you remember to put your clothes back on, Remus," I mumble and I hear him chuckle.

"Thanks, Lils."

There is silence for a minute, then footsteps coming towards me. They stop, but I still don't have the energy to open my eyes.

"Can I sit with you?" I hear James ask. I shift so he can fit next to me and he sits, pulling me into his arms. "Are you okay?"

I try not to think about how perfect his arms feel around me—strong but gentle, firm but soft. And I'm not thinking about how perfectly he cradles me, or how his arms feel just right.

"I'm just tired," I reply. "Long week."

I feel him nod in agreement and I snuggle closer into his arms. As if he can read my mind, he tightens his arms around me and kisses me once on the lips.

I begin to drift into sleep, into that pleasantly illogical half-dream state. I hear a strange bang and a couple quiet thuds but decide to ignore them. Well, I was going to ignore them until a high-pitched noise startles James and he jumps off the couch, knocking me to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

I blink and rub the blurriness out of my eyes. As I look up, I find the source of the noise: James's girlfriend, Ashlee.

And in the midst of all the stress and embarrassment, I can't help but burst into hysterical laughter.

Ashlee doesn't find it quite so funny.

***

An hour later, fully clothed, I walk on the Hogwarts grounds alone, wrapped in thought.

Ashlee must have broken up with James. I really doubt there's any way she would stay with him, knowing that he cheated on her several times. Of course, James could lie to keep her with him, but he wouldn't do that. He's not a liar and he didn't even really want to be with her anyway.

And now I'm more confused than ever. Because, where does that leave James and I? I'm not even sure how I feel about him half the time, and I could never date him, housing this uncertainty.

But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe he doesn't even want to date me. I mean, he's using me after all. And why would I want someone who doesn't want to give me all of them? Who would only cheat on his girlfriend with me?

"Lily."

I look up from where I'm sitting by the lake and see Luke standing over me. I manage a weak smile.

"May I join you?" He asks, and the differences between him and James have never been more apparent. I nod and pat the patch of grass next to me. "I've been looking for you," he says as he sits and takes my hand.

"I was in the Gryffindor Tower with some friends," I reply, feeling anger blaze behind my eyes. "What's on your mind?"

"Well, I've been thinking lately. About you, I mean. And I'd really like to get to know you better."

I force away the pointless thought that James doesn't want to get to know me better, and make myself focus on Luke.

"I'd like to get to know you better, too," I hear my voice saying, but my mind is still somewhere else.

"Well, I realize you're attending the ball with Ross." Is it my imagination, or does he look disgusted as he says Ross's name? "But I would enjoy it very much if you would accompany me to the Slytherin after-ball party."

"I have to make an appearance at the Gryffindor one, but I'll only stay there for an hour," I reply. "But I'll be at the Slytherin one after that."

"Excellent," Luke says, smiling. "Lily, you're an amazing girl; I hope you know that. And to be perfectly honest, I would be overjoyed if you would consider being my girlfriend."

I can't help my mind from flashing to James. I'm angry with him for jerking me around. I hate that he doesn't want to be with me, that he only wants to snog me. And anger always makes me illogical. So, out of spite, I hear myself answering Luke.

"I would love that."

Luke smiles and kisses me. I force myself to feel good about the decision I've made. The truth of the matter is, I've been pretending for so long that it's become a reflex, and absolutely effortless.

**Author's Note:** I did it again, didn't I? I promised quick updates and then wait six months before updating. I'm really sorry. I've just been at a weird place in my life, but things are starting to get back on track.

Thanks to:

Windows of the World

Binka Fudge

And all the other loyal readers that are too fed up with me to review. Thanks for sticking with me. And I promise that I will finish this story, even if it takes me forever. I'm the kind of person that I have to finish something I've started, no matter what. So you will eventually see an end to all my stories, I swear.

And, please review. I love hearing from you all, really I do.

I'll work my very hardest of Two Twisted Teens and post it as soon as I can. I promise it wont be six months this time.

And one last time, sorry. XD

xDreamerx


	11. One Drink to Remember, Another to Forget

**Chapter 11—One Drink To Remember, Another to Forget**

I get ready for the ball in a hurried manner, not sparing the final outcome very much thought. I'm finding myself caring about less and less these days. I've lost my motivation; I don't see the point in much of anything.

I sit in front of the mirror after getting ready, not really seeing my reflection. I try my hardest to sit very still and clear my mind. I'm exhausted of thinking. I just want to shut my brain off.

And I don't really understand the things I do. All I want is to be loved, and I know Luke isn't that guy. Deep down, I think I know that he isn't right for me, that it's pointless for me to waste time with him. But really, what else am I going to do? Nothing I do these days makes sense. Every action is more illogical than the next and I can't help wondering how far my friends are willing to let things go before they realize I need to be saved. Saved from myself, I mean, because I don't know how to take care of myself, remember?

I run a brush through the waves I magicked into my hair, sigh as I observe my reflection one last time, and climb downstairs. As soon as I set foot in the common room, I am immediately bombarded by Sirius and Remus.

"Looking lovely as ever," Remus says, giving me a wink. I don't miss how his hand is enfolded in Lexi's. I give her a smile and shoot Remus a knowing look.

"Hm, silver robes?" Sirius says, commenting on my outfit choice. "Well, I suppose you _are_ going with a Slytherin. When in Rome…" He gives me a kiss on the cheek and whispers in my ear. "You look stunning, love." I can't help blushing.

"Where are you meeting your date?" Remus asks.

"In front of the Great Hall," I reply and I can't help looking around the room for James. Remus notices, but doesn't call attention to it, only giving me a questioning glance. I shake my head to brush off the subject, and hopefully the thoughts of James as well.

"Well, how would you like two escorts?" Sirius asks, both he and Remus holding out the arm that is not taken by their dates. I smile and nod, taking their arms.

When we arrive at the horde of students in front of the Great Hall, I promise each Remus and Sirius a dance before leaving to find Ross.

I find him with a group of Slytherins I don't know, so I stand a little away from them, waiting for Ross to notice me. After a few minutes of what appears to be an intense conversation, Ross looks up at me and smiles. He excuses himself from the group and greets me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"You're lovely, Lily," he says and I smile. "I love the silver. I guess I made the right choice in my robes, huh?" He's wearing robes of deep emerald.

"Let's get this over with," I reply, rolling my eyes.

As soon as we enter the room, Luke finds his way over to me and I can't help running excuses through my head, trying to find a way to get out of spending the ball with him. I don't know why, but I feel annoyed and slightly stupid about my decision to date Luke. Maybe it's because I did it partly out of revenge for James. Or maybe it was because James just walked into the hall with Ashlee hanging off his arm.

I force a smile at Luke and let him kiss me.

"Care to dance?" He asks me and I look to Ross for help. Ross covers up his laugh by faking a cough.

"Actually, Lily is promised to me for the night," Ross explains. "You can have a dance, but she's promised not to leave my side." He smiles, but Luke only gives him a hard look.

"How nice of you to allow me a dance with my girlfriend," Luke says. I can feel his eyes on me, but I refuse to lift my eyes from the floor. "I'll see you at the Slytherin party," he says to me after a long silence in which it's obvious I'm not going to defend him. He gives me a kiss on the lips and walks away without a backward glance.

"So, you're finally dating?" Ross asks me after Luke is out of listening reach. "So, what was that about?"

"I really don't want to talk about it," I reply, sighing.

"Come on, Lils. Did you see the way he looked at me? I'd at least like to know why I'm putting my ass on the line."

We each grab a glass of pumpkin juice and sit at an empty table in a quiet corner of the Great Hall.

"It's complicated," I say, playing with a piece of string on my dress robes.

"Try me."

So I begin to explain about James and the messed up relationship we had while he was dating Ashlee. I explain to the best of my ability the reasoning behind me agreeing to date Luke and my confusion about my feelings for both boys. The entire time, Ross listens without saying a word. And though I don't know if he can relate, he hears me out and doesn't judge me even though I'm the girl James cheats on his girlfriends with, and I'm dating Luke mostly out of spite. He doesn't even look at me strangely when I admit that I can't promise I won't cheat on Luke with James. And when I finish, I look up at Ross and he smiles, pulling me into a hug.

"Lily, Lily, Lily," he says shaking his head. "It never ends for you, does it?"

I manage a weak smile and shrug.

"I guess I do this to myself, right? I get myself into these situations. I've made my bed, I should probably lay in it, right?"

"Lily," Ross says, taking my face between his hands. "I would never say that to you. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Only you know what's best for you. You just have to do the best you can with what you have. And people make mistakes, so don't think it's the end of the world if you step out of line once or twice." He kisses my forehead and it's not so hard to smile this time.

"That was strangely insightful for you, Ross," I reply, still smiling.

"I have my moments."

"Well, thanks. It means a lot to me."

"Anytime, doll. Now can we enjoy this ball or what?" He asks. I sigh.

"I highly doubt it. But I'll pretend to, if it makes you happy."

"Of course. All I can ask for is a decent charade." He stands and holds out his hand. "Let's dance."

I roll my eyes but take his hand and let him pull me around on the dance floor. After one dance, Sirius taps Ross on the shoulder and takes his place, one hand on my waist, the other in my hand.

"So, you and this Slytherin guy, huh?" Sirius says, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

"He's like a brother to me," I reply, sending Ross a smile, which he returns before going deep into a conversation with the same Sltherins from before the ball. I wrinkle my forehead in confusion, but Sirius pulls me to another part of the room and I refocus on him.

"Not the one you came with," Sirius responds. "The one shooting me daggers from across the room." He gestures to Luke, who is brooding at a table with a few Slytherins including Malfoy and Snape. I didn't even know he spoke to them. I suppress a shudder and turn back to Sirius.

"Uh, yeah," I reply, shaking my head. "It's complicated. I don't really have energy to talk about it, Sirius." He looks at me thoughtfully for a moment before smiling and responding.

"All right, Lils. But if you need me, you know where to find me."

"Thanks," I reply as Remus appears over Sirius's shoulder. I didn't realize our song was done.

"Well, thanks for the dance," Sirius says, kissing my hand. "She's all yours, mate," he tells Remus, clapping him on the back. Remus quickly takes Sirius's place.

"How are you, Lils?" He asks softly.

"I'm… I'm surviving," I reply, smiling. "What about you and Lexi? She doesn't mind you dancing with me?"

"Of course not. You're her friend and…" Remus lowers his voice. "I think she's preoccupied at the moment."

I look over to the table I saw Lexi at earlier and see her chatting it up with a Ravenclaw boy.

"Lexi's not like that. She's probably asking him about a class or something. Besides," I say, lowering my voice to keep him interested. "I've seen the way she looks at you, Remus. And you're absolutely adorable," I say, pinching his cheek. He laughs but shoots a glance at Lexi. "Remus, you know you're gorgeous. Half the school wants to get in your pants. And Lexi is not the type of girl to waste her time on something she doesn't think is worth it. You're worth it, Remus. Just a little advice, knowing both of you so well…"

"Please," Remus urges.

"Tell her how you feel. If she thinks you're not interested, she'll move on. Don't let her go, Remus."

"Thanks, Lils," Remus replies, looking slightly brighter. "And if I may offer you some advice? Don't be too hard on James. He's at a weird place in his life. He's confused. About everything. And you mean more to him that you know."

There's a strange glint in Remus's eyes, but I ignore it and sigh, feeling heavy with the weight of my actions.

"Thanks, Remus, but if he really cares about me, he's going to have to do better than using me to cheat on his girlfriend." Remus opens his mouth to respond, but I kiss him on the cheek and cut him off. "Thanks for the dance, babe."

I wander across the outskirts of the dance floor, scoping the tables. Ross is still absorbed in a strangely secretive conversation with the Slytherins. Remus seems to be taking my advice, as he and Lexi were in a deep discussion. Sirius was busy snogging his date and I can't handle being around Luke in my current state of mind. I spot Liz from across the room and she blows me a kiss, but remains seated with Charley. I continue to walk and end up at the refreshment table. Pouring myself a drink, I sip it slowly.

"I need to talk to you," a voice says from behind me. I turn and find James looking back at me.

"Okay," I reply cautiously and follow him out of the Great Hall and into an empty classroom. He pulls out his wand and closes the door magically, locking us in. "What's on your mind?" I ask.

At once, James advances towards me and presses his lips on mine. My head begins to spin, but I force myself to push him away.

"James, what are you doing?" I exclaim.

"What we do," he responds, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "You look unbelievable tonight."

Before I have time to respond, James captures my lips in another searing kiss. My knees get weak and as if James can sense it, he lifts me onto a table and uses it to his advantage. I feel my arms wrapping around his neck, despite my mind's blaring objections for me to stop. He reaches for the clasp on my robe and undoes it, running his hands on my bare waist. He lifts my legs to wrap around him and his lips travel down my neck.

"James," I breathe, trying unsuccessfully to push him away. "James, stop, please."

"Why?" He asks, his lips traveling further still.

"Because you have a girlfriend," I reply, still breathing heavy. "And… I have a boyfriend now."

I feel his lips freeze on my skin before he moves to meet my eyes.

"What?" He asks, a dangerous anger in his eyes. "Since when?" He takes his arms away from me quickly as if he's been burned by the contact of my bare skin.

"This afternoon," I reply guiltily, my eyes pleading him to understand. James lets out a cold laugh and begins pacing around the room. I can't do anything but watch.

"This afternoon," he repeats as if he's disgusted.

"Why should it bother you anyway?" I ask, finally finding my voice and getting angry. "You have _Ashlee_. I thought that maybe she had some self-respect to dump your cheating ass when she found out about us, but I guess she really is as thick as she looks. Or did you just lie to her to 'keep a good shag' or whatever it is you do?"

"How dare you! Don't talk about things you know nothing about! It's none of your damn business what happened between her and I!"

"None of my business?! Oh, of course not. I'm only the girl you _cheat_ on her with, why would it be any of my business?"

"I dumped her, okay?! Does that make you happy?" James's voice echoes in the room, his volume raising, but I refuse to let his scare me. That's exactly what he wants and I won't give it to him. "She wanted to 'work it out' or some bullshit but I don't want her. Happy now?"

"Why would I be happy? It's not like you wanted to date me anyway. That's why I started dating Luke. At least he wants me for more than just my body."

"I wouldn't be so sure, sweetheart," James replies darkly.

"What the hell does that mean?" I demand, standing in anger.

"It means you don't know what's good for you. You never have. You pick the wrong guys."

"Oh, and I suppose _you're _the right guy for me? Please, don't make me laugh," I snarl, my face twisted in rage.

Instead of blowing up like James usually does, his face goes oddly blank and he is still. He looks at me for a second and then speaks in a tone devoid of all emotion.

"This conversation is over."

James sweeps out of the room, leaving me standing alone, robes hanging open.

"Don't walk away from me!" I scream after him, but he's already gone and I'm left to collapse in tears.

* * *

I decide to spend as little time as possible at the Gryffindor party. Ross finds me in the classroom, crying on the floor, my robes hanging off. He escorts me to the Gryffindor Tower and is waiting outside for me to change out of my robes. I don't meet the eyes of anyone as I make my way up to the dormitory. I change into jeans and a t-shirt as quickly as possible before sparing my reflection a glance.

Twin black streaks run down my cheeks and I grab a tissue, furiously scrubbing at them. I guess this is the downside of wearing all my dark make-up. My eyes are still slightly puffy and I frown before heading downstairs to meet Ross.

He knows better than to ask what happened. He knows that if I want to talk about it, I will. But sometimes I just can't, and he gets me, which is next to impossible to do.

Needless to say, I get completely wasted at the Slytherin party. I can't help being all over Luke and after my sixth drink, I suggest he and I head upstairs to "make this party more interesting."

Upstairs, he shows me which bed is his and I lay down, pulling his on top of me. I kiss him and start to pull off his shirt. I unbuckle his pants as he lifts off my shirt and I ignore the voice telling me this somehow feels wrong. He breaks from my lips to slip off my jeans and then starts to kiss my neck. Abruptly, he stops.

"What's wrong?" I ask, my breath coming in sharp gasps.

"What's this on your neck?"

I feel myself growing red. Luke sees James's hickey and I don't know what to say.

"Who gave you this?" He asks, sounding angry.

"It doesn't matter. _He_ doesn't matter," I reply and give him another kiss. "All that matters is you and me, right now."

I kiss him again and try to lose myself in him. As he rolls over and pulls me on top of him, he reaches around me to the strap of my bra. Right as I feel it unclick open, someone clears their throat. As I strap my bra back on, I look up and see Malfoy standing by the door, looking amused.

As I slip on my jeans, I realize I've lost my shirt. Wanting to get out of there as quick as possible, I decide to leave it, praying I won't run into a teacher on the way back to the Gryffindor Tower. I give Luke a quick peck on the cheek and slip downstairs. As I'm leaving, I hear Malfoy speak to Luke.

"So, you're fucking her now, huh?"

The Slytherin common room is almost completely empty, filled with only a handful of people, passed out from drinking. I grab two bottles of firewhiskey from a table and shrink them to fit in my pocket. The, I leave for the Gryffindor common room.

By some miracle, I don't encounter any teachers on my walk. The portrait of the Fat Lady threatens to tell the headmaster on me for being out so late, but I think she's too tired, seeing as she starts to snore before the portrait closes behind me.

Once in the common room, I enlarge my bottles and down half of one in one gulp. I cringe at the burn in the back of my throat, but block out the pain and rebuild the dying fire. I sit on my favorite couch, the couch James and I were caught on by Ashlee earlier today. I down the rest of the bottle, setting the empty glass on the side table. I settle into the couch and stare into the flames. Sipping the second bottle slowly, I'm amazed that my mind is a complete blank for the first time.

I realize that I won't remember the events of tonight when I wake up and I'm thankful for that. Sometimes you need to remember, but sometimes your sanity rests on your ability to forget.

After a few minutes of sipping my drink and staring off into space, I drift off into an alcohol-induced sleep. Finally, the blackness takes over and I pass out, half naked on the couch, bottle still clutched in my hand.

For once, I'm grateful for the dreamless black.

* * *

The next day, I am awaken by whispered voices talking over me.

"…But she's just digging herself further into this rut. We have to do something. Look at her. She passed out with the bottle still in her hand. This is getting out of control."

"But what can we do? You know Lily, she has to do everything her way, on her terms. She doesn't listen to anyone and she'll just get mad at us for trying to control her."

"Maybe we should ask James to help. He's the only one who can really handle her. He's the only one who can make her do anything."

"I doubt it. Last night he came in from the ball in a terrible mood. Then, this morning, he took one look at Lily and cursed her name all the way out of the common room."

I begin to shift on the bed, tired of hearing these people talk about me. I open my eyes, but then close them immediately as the sun momentarily blinds me.

"My head…" I mumble, dropping the bottle carelessly on the floor. After a moment, I open my eyes again and see the blurry forms of Sirius and Remus in front of me, clad in red robes. "Remus, Sirius," I croak.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Remus asks, sitting next to me on the couch. I make a face in response and sit up to make room for Sirius on the other side of me.

"That good, huh?" Sirius says, smiling and taking the seat beside me. "Though, I must admit, it was quite a pleasant surprise waking up and seeing this." Sirius gestures to me and I look down. It's then that the events of last night come flooding back to me. I put my face in my hands and sigh.

"Don't worry, Lils. We're the only one's who've seen you. It's early; no one's up except the Quidditch team and we're the first to come down other than James," Remus tells me and I feel an unpleasant lurch inside at the mention of James.

"Oh," I manage in response, my voice devoid of all emotion. I feel Sirius and Remus exchanging a look above my head before either of them speaks.

"Why don't you get dressed and come down to the Quidditch pitch with us?" Sirius tells me and I find myself shrugging.

"I don't know…" I reply.

"Come on, Lils. We're not going to let you mope all day like you have a tendency to do. We need you there; we need your support. Forget whatever happened between you and James. Are you going to ditch us just because you two aren't getting along? Come watch us play," Remus told me. It wasn't a question. I sighed and got up grumbling.

"Fine, but if he says one thing, if he even looks at me funny, I swear…"

* * *

Skipping breakfast, I walk to the Quidditch Pitch between Remus and Sirius, who are talking Quidditch nonsense above my head. I find myself lapsing into my thoughts, hoping that very soon Remus or Sirius will pull me out of them.

When we arrive at the Pitch, the boys bid me goodbye and I wish them a half-hearted 'good luck' before they break off towards the locker room and I continue to the stands. I spot Lexi and Karly in the stands already and take a seat next to them, still lost in my own head. If they notice this, they give no signification and continue talking about Lexi's date with Remus at the ball.

All through the game, my thoughts are elsewhere. I keep remembering tidbits from last night, from the empty classroom with James to the Slytherin party, to almost sleeping with Luke, of all people. And I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I know that I don't fancy Luke and I don't know why I let myself do these things. I'm self-destructive emotionally. I'm intentionally bringing myself down, doing things I don't approve of, and yet, I can't stop. I still don't know why I insist on causing myself pain.

Before I realize what happened, everyone around me stands and cheers.

"What happened?" I ask, standing with Karly and Lexi. Lexi looks at me carefully, as if trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Little did she know, the only thing wrong with me is me.

"Gryffindor won!" Karly says, completely focused on the Quidditch Pitch. I give Lexi a slightly cold look as if to say, 'mind your own business,' and shrug.

We're halfway back to the castle when I realize I forgot my bag in the stands. I quickly tell Lexi and Karly that I'll meet them in the common room and head back to the Quidditch field. I search the place we had been sitting, but couldn't find my bag. Suddenly, it was being thrown at me from somewhere in the sky. If I didn't have excellent reflexes, it would have smacked me in the face.

"Nice catch," comes the voice from a speck in the sky. The figure comes closer on his broom and I glare, recognizing the owner of the voice. "Get on," James tells me once he's reached me, motioning to his broom. I gave him my death glare before turning and walking down the stands. James follows me, landing on the ground and throwing his broom over his shoulder before following me.

"Stop!" I yell, turning to face him once we were standing by the lake. "Why are you even talking to me? You made it pretty clear that I'm nothing but a slut. Why would you want to hang out with a slut if so many other girls want you? Oh yeah, I forgot, all you can ever get is brainless whores anyway. Well, you know what? I'm not that girl. Why don't you just go shag yourself? Or better yet, go shag the giant squid or your many admirers? But, definitely not me."

"You're mental!" James replies, his temper getting the best of him like it has a tendency to. "You're bloody fucking mad, do you know that? You say you're not a slut? Please, don't make me laugh. You, the one who passes out half-naked in the common room!"

Giving James a dirty look, my impulses take the better of me and I reach out, touching the firmness of his chest and waste no time in pushing him into the lake.

"What the fuck you daft—" James starts to say once he resurfaces, but I cut him off with my laughter.

"You deserved that!" I tell him once my laughs die down to silent chuckles.

"Fine, but at least help me out of here. It's fucking freezing. Are you aware that it's February, you insane—"

"I'll help you, you annoying prick," I say, cutting him off. "But only so you'll shut up." I hold out my hand to him, feeling James's soft yet calloused hand grab a hold on mine. Before I have time to realize what James is capable of, he had pulled me into the water next to him.

"James Potter!" I scold as soon as my head rises above the water. He starts laughing.

"You did it to me!" He accuses and I roll my eyes.

"But you deserved it," I reply, shivering. "Okay, help me get out."

James pulls himself out of the water, his robes dripping. He holds out a cautious hand.

"Don't pull me in," he tells me. I roll my eyes again.

"Please. I'm more mature than you." As soon as I finish speaking, I slip on the muddy bottom of the lake and fell underwater again. I hear James laughing at me and once I resurface, I spit out water at him.

"Ew!" He yells and I smile, taking his hand. He pulls me out roughly, and I end up falling on top of him. Great. As if things aren't awkward enough, add in this compromising position with a guy who tried to take off my robes last night. As if I need things to be any more weird that they already are.

"Sorry," I mutter, rolling off of James. We both stood up and I wrung the water out of my hair. "So, um…" I say, trailing off, trying to find some way to fill this awkward silence. I want desperately to come up with something smart, some great line to say before walking away and keeping him thinking about what I said. But the only thing rolling around my head is a bunch of "ums" and incoherent sentences.

James looks at the ground, being his stubborn self. We both know he should apologize for what he said, but we both know he won't. That's just James. He can never swallow his pride because his pride is much bigger than him. And I don't even really blame him because I know how he is. But still. Would it kill him to say those two innocent little words? Apparently, it would. Bloody prick.

"Sorry I pushed you in, even though you deserved it," I say, breaking the silence and hoping to convince James to apologize for what has been his fault all along.

"What kind of apology was that?" James asks, smiling slightly. I shake my head at him, feeling my hair already beginning to dry.

"_I _shouldn't be the one apologizing. _I _never did anything wrong. I was hoping to set a good example for _somebody _so the person who should really be saying sorry would," I reply, anger coating my words. James laughs and I turn to walk away, exhausted from dealing with him.

"Lily wait," he calls, catching up to me easily. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited, eyeing him with dissatisfaction. "I, um…" Yes, this was very hard for him, I could see that. But honestly, it's not that hard to do. It's two fucking words. If he can't admit when he's wrong, I think he has bigger issues than not being able to apologize for hurting people. Maybe he should consider professional help. "Sorry," he mutters.

"What was that?" I ask, teasing him just a little.

"I'm sorry!" He yells and I raise my eyebrows.

"Okay," I say, giving him a shrug and a half smile before heading back to the castle.

* * *

Somehow, I find myself in the prefect bathroom. Entering it, I find Liz on the couch, smoking a carefully rolled cigarette. She smiles once she sees me and gestures to the spot next to her.

"What's going on, babe?" She asks, handing me a cigarette. I take it and she lights it for me with a silver lighter.

"Nothing. I'm just exhausted. This day had been draining."

"Well, did you have a good time at the ball?"

"Define good," I reply, taking a drag and coughing a little. I sigh. "Well, I went with Ross, spent most of the time avoiding Luke, snogged James Potter in an empty classroom before getting into a horrible fight with him, got super wasted at the Slytherin party, and almost slept with Luke."

"What?" Liz responds, looking at me incredulously. I nod in grim agreement. "James Potter? I thought it was over with him."

"Well, technically, it was never really anything to begin with. Just lots of kissing and attempts to go further than that. But, I don't know. There's just something about him. I… I don't know. I don't fancy him or anything crazy like that. But, for some strange reason, I just can't say no to him. Every time I'm sure I'm through with him, he just pulls me back in. He's like a fucking siren."

"Well, what about Luke?" She says, putting out her cigarette.

"What _about _him? You can't really think I'm dating him for real."

"Well then, what are you doing?"

"I don't know," I reply, sighing. Liz takes the cigarette from my hand and starts to smoke it. I don't protest. "You know me, I try to get close to people in the wrong ways. I just wanted to feel like someone cared about me, I guess. So, I tried to sleep with him, but it got interrupted. And, I don't know. I don't even fancy him. I don't know why I agreed to date him. I just… I don't understand myself. I don't know why I do these things. I guess… I just want something to hold onto in this world that's spinning way too fast."

There's a long moment of silence. Liz finishes the cigarette and puts it out in a glass ashtray before speaking.

"Well, be careful who you hold on to. I don't trust him and I'm pretty sure Ross doesn't either. I know you don't want anyone to tell you what to do, but please, at least listen to us. You've only had experience with a specific type of Slytherin. And I've got a bad feeling about Luke. Just, promise me you'll take care of yourself."

I don't even know where to start, I want to say. I don't know how to take care of myself; all I know is how to cause myself further pain. All I know is how to ruin my life.

But I feel myself nodding.

"I just want to forget about all of it, about the ball, about James, about Luke, just everything. At least for a little while," I say, finally meeting Liz's eyes.

"Well, you know what they say," Liz replies, pulling a bottle of firewhiskey from behind the couch. She handed it to me. "One drink to remember, another to forget."

I down the drink in one gulp.

**Author's note: **Aw, poor Lily.

Anyway, thanks for reading! I don't really have that much to say this time. It's funny, usually I can't shut up.

Well, I promise that updates won't be as far apart as they have been.

And, well, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, and REVIEW!

xDreamerx


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